Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Waste Not, Want Not

Well, apparently and unfortunately, they couldn't put it off any longer. It's Democratic National Convention time in Denver, Colorado this week. (Democratic National Convention is also known by many as the DNC. It is also known by me as The Freak Show On The Left.) Break out your costumes and protest signs! Dust off the wacky headgear and support signs! Have your city pass some ordinances that outlaw the "throwing of human excrement" and you've got yourself a political arena like no other. Wait. What was the part about the "excrement"? There are poop throwers in Denver? Good Lord.

According to the fine folks a mile high above the rest of us at the Rocky Mountain News, the Denver City Council had passed and ordinance that would issue "a moratorium on the public throwing, spraying, smearing, hosing or inducing of excrement." And I think I speak for everyone in the civilized world when I say, "Ewww." Are you freaking kidding me? Poop is now the protest item of choice? Since when is poop an item of choice for anything?? Gross. Seriously, people. If you want your protest to be taken seriously at all or even a little tiny bit, you're going to have a much better chance of that succeeding if you're not wanting to tote around a bucket of crap for which you may or may not use for the purpose of hurling. Because if you're a crap hurler, you're going to be thought of as an idiot. A disgusting idiot that smells like crap. Gross.

"The new ordinance bars protesters from possessing noxious substances, which could be used to make feces or urine bombs." Look, I don't know what sort of "noxious substances" could be used to make "fecal bombs" or "urine bombs", but I'm guessing Taco Bell. But I do know that if you need an ordinance to make sure that protesters don't do these things, then there is a serious problem with how the minds of those who publicly protest things function and process information. You know what throw fecal matter? Babboons! Primates! Orangutans! Chimpanzees. All well-known hurlers of their own crap. Has our political protesting segment of society de-evolved so far backwards that they are once again back to the level that they were at right before they started walking upright? Well, if the Denver City Council has to pass an ordinance so that those who are not protesting at the convention do not have to engage in an unwanted game of "Dodge The Poo" with protesters, then the answer is clearly yes.

But here's what I found really amusing. According to a one Councilman Doug Linkhart, who is the chairman of the safety committee for the council, ""In other cities, they're not just handcuffing themselves to each other. They put their handcuffs inside PVC tubes, which are inside concrete. They've figured out ways that keep the police from just using bolt cutters to cut them apart. They also use buckets of urine and feces and various noxious substances to pour on themselves or the police." Wait for it. "Protesters are getting pretty sophisticated."

Huh. So it would seem that in Denver, "sophisticated" is equal to pouring urine and fecal matter on yourself. ON PURPOSE! Sooooooo sophisticated. That's why I don't protest. I'm nowhere NEAR that sophisticated where I'm dousing myself in my own human waste. Well, then so be it. If it takes doing....that to be sophisticated, then I'll just stay a heathen, thanks. A very clean heathen.

But why the protest at a political convention? Don't you poop pitchers vote? See, that's the thing about public servants. They're only in the position that they're in for ONE reason. That's because they were voted in by the public. If you don't like them, try harder to make sure they don't get re-elected. Try doing it without flinging dung around, too. (You'd be amazed at how a dung free protest is taken way more seriously than a dung filled protest. It's night and day, the difference is. Night and day.) What are you people doing the other 364 days of the year? If these ordinances are reflective of what your behavior has been in the past, you really should sit down and rethink some of the things you're doing. Not what you believe or why you're doing things, I didn't say to rethink those. I said to rethink some of the things you're doing. Or throwing. Because you really, really are making ridiculous choices in all aspects of your life. You just might not realize it because you're taking a dump in a bucket to use at the next neighborhood Fecal Bomb Making party.

And the antics will continue at the Democratic Freak Show in Denver for the rest of the week. Stay tuned, won't ye? It will be amusing. And from here on out, poop free!

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