Friday, August 29, 2008

I Don't Think They Were Endorsing THAT

Decisions, decisions. In the commercial provided below, Ortega Taco Shells are hawked by three Olympic athletes, the adorable Shawn Johnson and extremely effeminate brothers Morgan and Paul Hamm. All gymnasts, all very talented in the gymnastic arena, all horrible actors hawking taco shells.

I really don't know what the worst part is. It's a toss up between the robotic spewing out of their lines, the brother's high pitched voices which don't make them seem gay AT ALL, or the unfortunate choice of dialogue given to Shawn. It's bad enough the one brother calls out the other brother based on the fact that he has green chiles on his taco, but did he have to say, "Beat that, bro?" And he said it with all of the enthusiasm of someone who was just awoken from a deep slumber and was forced to sit up and do a commercial for taco shells.

Don't get me wrong, I think Shawn Johnson is just as talented as she is adorable and she was totally gypped at the Olympics by those underage, cheating Commie Chinese gymnasts. This is just not a good way to start off your product endorsement career. That's all I'm saying. It's only thirty seconds long, so you won't have to cringe for very long. But give it a gander and tell me if I'm wrong. (I'm not, by the way, but little challenges like that always sound...well...about as convincing as the green chile Hamm brother calling out the other one for Taco v. Taco 2008. It was all very "You got your chocolate in my peanut butter"-ish.)

Oh, f-ing hell, I really don't know where to start. But did you notice at the beginning when the announcer guy was saying all of their names and then there was footage of that person doing their crazy good gymnast thing? Well, the Hamm brothers are twins (shocking, I know) and when voice over dude said each of their names, the footage was still the same guy. So...just because they're twins you can show just one of them performing and that's as good as showing each one performing? Hey, Ortega, were you guys afraid you were going to break the bank by showing footage of each twin? Or did you figure that, since they were twins and all, no one would notice? Guess what? No one would have noticed...if you had changed shots or footage instead of just keeping the camera on the same guy as you announce both names!

Next, it's a commercial for taco shells and, according to the wall in the background, they are having this fiesta at Chow's Gymnastics & Dance Institute. The wall also says that it's a National Team Training Center. That's fine, but do all National Team Training Centers have a bunch of balloons in the background and in columns next to the apparati? There are an inordinate number of balloons in that training center. Most training centers that I am familiar with have no balloons. Is is the National Twisty Balloon Animal Team Training Center? It's definitely an Olympic sport I've never heard of (but I didn't know they had horse dancing in the Olympics, either, so nothing's too far fetched, really).

Those in the background are fun to watch as well. With the guy just swinging around on that bar to little pixie people making little hops that are supposed to look like jumps as they prance across their balloon filled training center. And there's a ton of them too. All performing their routines and pony tricks what appears to be a mere 20 feet away from the snack bar and 10 feet away from three people having lunch.

What made me just cringe out of empathy and sadness was the line (and you know you heard it), "It makes my taco pop." Oh, dear. That will not increase Ortega Taco Shells sales at all. It will increase the degree of horn-dogged-ness of many, many males of varying age groups across the land (and probably a lot more females than you'd think as well). Seriously, how many people over there at Ortega Advertising or whatever it is heard that line and said nothing? Thought nothing of it? No one? Really? How do you people manage to sell anything at all?! She's not going to know anything other than the pure innocence of taco shells, she's from Iowa for cryin' out loud! It's not her fault!

Please, Ortega, scrap this horrible commercial and start anew. Nueve. Whatever, just get rid of it. Adios. Andele. And as long as I'm making requests, whoever is in charge of photographing the Hamm brothers? Yeah, um, do you think that when they're photographed together you could try to do it so they don't look just quite so gay? I mean, come on, they're brothers, for cryin' out loud! But most of the pictures that I see of them together don't scream "We're brothers!" No, they scream, "We're lovers!" Look. Judge for yourself. (But again, I'm right.)

Oh, yeah, that's not gay.

Even more not gay here.

Typical non-gay, shirtless, brotherly pose here.

And those grape leaf crowns make them seem not even a little bit gay.

Sure. Not gay lookin' at all.

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