Friday, August 29, 2008

Oh, God! It's Jesus In A Moth.

Sweet Mother of God, will it never end? If Jesus is going to come back to Earth or if God is going to send down some sort of sign (about what no one ever really comes out and says. And you can't really tell from their reactions, either. Some are crying tears of joy, some are crying tears of sadness, some are crying tears from not being the highest bidder for the Jesus image on eBay, so many reasons, really.), do you really think that it's going to happen via the Virgin Mary on a grilled cheese sandwich? Or a Cheeto shaped like Jesus? (Mmmm....Cheesus....) Or an HVAC duct? Or on a freaking moth? Wait. What?

Correct. From the confused folks over there at CNN (who clearly have trouble distinguishing between that which is actually news and that which is actually not) we are presented with the story of a one Kirk Harper, a Texas man who spotted the moth (wait for it) on an RV trailer (Yes, shocking, I know!) and, according to a CNN journalist who must have just squeaked by in those journalism classes she took (in high school) "right away, could tell it was unique". Now, pun totally intended here as I shake my head and mutter, "Oh, good Lord." Behold! A moth with what looks like Jesus (but it's NOT) on it's back!

So Kirk did what you and I would never do and immediately took the Holy moth to his church and showed it to one Brother James Jordan. Brother Jim (as I'm calling him. It sounds cooler.) said that the moth looked more like Jesus in person than it did in photographs. As a person who has never seen Jesus in person (or in photographs, actually) I'm going to take the word of someone who seems to hang out with Jesus on a much more regular basis than I do. (Don't get me wrong. We hang, but it's more like we're neighbors who wave to each other when we're trying to get our car into the garage and close the door as fast as we can so that Jesus doesn't come over and start talking to us or ask to borrow our lawn mower.)

Brother Jim had this to say about the Jesus moth (I cannot believe I am typing the words 'Jesus moth'. It's not right.): "I don't want to bow down to it. It's not Jesus. It's an image on something that God created." Oh, my. Brother Jim isn't a crackpot. Brother Jim isn't a money hungry lunatic. Brother Jim has a rational and functioning brain. Brother JIM must be Jesus! Halle-freakin'-lullah!! Someone who does NOT think it's is ACTUALLY Jesus on that moth. Now that IS a miracle!
"But we're also warned in Romans 1 that we shouldn't worship created things." An excellent reminder, regardless of where it comes from, Brother Jim. (This guy is making more and more sense as this goes along. I'm trying to decide if that means I need to start calling him Brother James or something cooler like Jim Bro.)

The fine folks down under at The Inquisitor - Tech, Pop and Penguins were kind enough to provide their readers with several links to other "Jesus-In-A-_____" sightings (oddly enough, there's no "Jesus in a box", presumedly because Jesus is afraid of Saturday Night Live turning that into some horrifying, yet absolutely hilarious, Christmas time skit starring Justin Timberlake). These sightings would include:

  • Jesus in a plank of wood, seen in Florida

  • Jesus in a cell phone picture, seen in Florida

  • Jesus in a T-shirt in the laundry, seen in Florida

  • Jesus in an ultrasound, seen in, you guessed it, Florida

(Hopefully what you've learned from that little montage there is that Florida is a hotbedded breeding ground for freaks and the dim-witted.)
But from the looks of that list, wow, Jesus is quite busy these days. He's making more appearances than Barry and Grandpa John McCain. Why Jesus doesn't just go on Leno and get it over with, I'm not sure. This whole "Second Coming of the Savoir Hide and Seek" bit is getting a little old. And why has He chosen Florida as the place to make his grand re-entrance? The home of hurricanes and trailer parks and the mess and filth that both leave in their wake. I don't get it. And when I say "I don't get it" I'm sure you realize that means "I DO get it and Jesus isn't actually in ANY of these things and the folks down there in Florida are nuts and can barely walk upright without dragging their knuckles on the pavement." But "I don't get it" is shorter. I prefer brevity when it comes to mocking the intellectually challenged. And when discussing the Second Coming.

But for Christ's sake (pun soooo intended), what is it with people seeing the image of Jesus in all of these things? Does it make them feel better? Personally, I think it would make me feel worse if I found a Jesus Cheeto (known only in that instance as Cheesus). I mean, shouldn't Jesus have higher standards when it comes to his Second Coming than that of a delightful, orange, artificial-cheese coated snack? I would think so and I would certainly hope so! I mean, if it's OK with Jesus to come back as a Cheeto (or some other unhealthy snack. Ding-dong, Klondike Bar, Egg McMuffin, anything, really) what would that say about how important all of that stuff really is? (The Jesus and the Second Coming part, NOT how important the Cheeto is.)

But look, you can find the image of Jesus or anything else in just about anything you choose. You just have to look hard enough (or not hard at all really) and want to believe that you see what you see. And it doesn't always have to be something that's great or something that you want to find either. Behold! Peeto, the Cheeto penis!

I'm going to hell for that one, aren't I?

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