Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Screw American Porn!

Up there in Canada, America's Hat, those crazy Canucks are getting ready to show their national solidarity like no others by coming together (and taking it off) to launch a new porn channel which, according to the extremely mediocre reporting from Yahoo! News, "promises to serve up at least 50 percent domestic content" (because for some reason, having your porn stars be from your nation of origin is extremely important to Canadian, I guess. Me? I just want my porn to be porn. No plot, no clothes, lots of fun.).

The channel, dubbed Northern Peaks (pun has to be intended, don't you think?), will be the first adult video channel in Canada that offers "significant Canadian adult content." What does that mean exactly? Hockey porn? Porn actors with those furry hats with ear flaps? Porn people wearing just the maple leaf? How does Canadian adult content differ from, say, American adult content? Inquiring (and horny) minds want to know! (And that's unfortunate because Yahoo! News doesn't do a very good job in that arena. You know, the arena of reporting.)

According to one Shaun Donnelly, who is the president of Real Productions,"I think as Canadians there is a bit of a tiredness in seeing all American stuff." You do? "There is always that thrill for something that is local and you get the sense that these are people you can meet at the supermarket." Wait. What? That's right. Someone you could bump into (hopefully not literally, my God. It's hard enough to find ripe produce without having to worry about a porn star thumping the melons next to you.) whilst fully clothed and pushing a cart full of food. That's not exactly one of my porn fantasies. (Usually there are no supermarkets involved.) But according to the website, it could happen. The website states, "What makes us unique? Simply, our ability to find lovely women who have never appeared in an adult video in their lives and tape them in fully explicit action with amateur male performers!" I see.

I'm going to have to question this "ability" that they have to "find" lovely women who are willing to "hump" an amateur "male" performer and have it all captured on camera to be rebroadcast at a later time with minimal commercial interruptions. As far as I can tell, there's really not a lot of women dying to break into such a field, thank God. So, I'm guessing that by "ability" they mean "we have the Internet" and by "find" they mean "post on Craigslist". "Hump" is "hump" and "male" is "male" (on a good day), so I don't need to go into those.

Look, I don't know about you, (and again, I'm not a guy, so I could be way off base here) but I don't think that I want to meet those individuals who were participating in the porn that I watched. And that goes for at the supermarket or a mediocre market or any other public or private venue. And how would I get the sense that they're the kind of folks that I could meet at the store? What in the hell kind of groceries are they running up there in America's Hat? If I get the sense that I'm grocery shopping with a bunch of porn stars, I'm going to start shopping somewhere else. (Then again, I don't know how I'd get that sense, unless they were fornicating in the frozen food aisle or fornicating like crazed weasels on those little conveyor belts at the check out.)

But this is what I don't get. So, Northern Peaks is going to be America's Hat's first adult video channel. But the non-elaborating Yahoo! News article also states that, "Northern Peaks will be restricted to certain types of programming including long-form documentaries, dramatic series, feature films, game shows, mini-series, sitcoms, made-for-TV movies, general entertainment and human interest." So, wait. What?

None of those "certain types of programming" that "Northern Peaks will be restricted to" are porn. Does the porn have to be in those formats? A porn game show? (Alex Trebek IS Canadian. And he does look a little porn star-ish with that moustache and all. Why that head shot over there is him without a shirt on is beyond me. He does look rather smooth, though. Throw a little oil and glitter on that seal-llike physique and you've got yourself a Canadian porn star/game show host. Good God, that sounds horrible, doesn't it? All shiny and glittery, asking questions, giving answers. It's just wrong on so many levels.) Porn sitcoms? (Well, they are kinda funny if you're listening to the dialogue. But, then again, if you're listening to the dialogue, you're doing it wrong.) Porn long form documentaries? (OK, that one I can see.) And as far as "general entertainment" and "human interest" goes, it is porn and it does qualify for both of those categories in and of itself.


No word on when this is actually going to be on the air. I suppose after they have utilized their ability to find everyday porn stars and made a few flicks with some real, live, girl-next-door type, screwing Canadians or something. But I still can't see how it's going to be all that different from the good, old-fashioned American porn that we've all grown to know and love. Sure, they have those funny accents, but no one is going to notice that unless there's an announcer giving voice-over commentary. "In! Ooot! In! Ooot! In! Ooot!"

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