It's Late. So Sue Me.

Hey, so have I mentioned that I'm on vacation?  Yeah, I am.  Actually, I've been gone since last Monday.  Yet miraculously, I've been able to keep up with this blog.  Go figure.  Anyway, the point here is that things might be a little late, but they will be here.  Eventually.  Oh, and they might also be trite.  Like this. That's right.  This counts as a post.  Can you believe it?  Hey, after posting every single freaking day for 4-1/2 years, I'd be more surprised that this sort of stuff doesn't happen more often.  Tell you what.  In order to make some sort of an effort to post something of substance, here is a Bloom County comic strip that I find particularly amusing.  What I like about it is that it is as relevant and true today as it was when it was first published, probably back in the mid 1980s or so.  Some things never change and I guess that celebrities and their lame-ass excuses for their behaviors are some of those things.  Behold!

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I'm Ready For My Close Up, Mr. DeMille

I have just stumbled upon a rather disturbing Tumblr called Celebrity Close Up. It's just what it sounds like it is. It's a bunch of really close pictures of celebrities. And I mean close. Like scary close. Like so close, you really don't want to ever look at that celebrity again. I'll give you some examples. (All examples are being provided with neither permission, nor malice.) Here is the lovely (from far away) Zooey Deschanel. As you can see, she clearly bleaches that little moustache of hers. Behold!

Um, yeah. Back off! Seriously, I feel like I'm intruding on her personal space. Or maybe it's more like I feel as if she's intruding on mine. Whatever it is, it creeps me out. It doesn't creep me out as much as this close up of fashion designer John Galliano, however.

See, that just scares me. And that's no where near as big and as close up as they appear on the actual Tumblr. And I don't want to steal/borrow all of their stuff when you could (and should) just go over there and see for yourself. Just try and position yourself as far away from your monitor as you can. You'll only hurt yourself if you don't.

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How My Brain Works

I write these things the night before. Religiously, I might add. And while I don't ever "forget", I do sometimes put it off for quite a while. And sometimes, when it's getting close to my needing to come up with something to churn out, I kind of panic. There are times when I think that I have plenty of time and then I get distracted by something. (Did you know that you can watch every episode of Rocky and Bullwinkle on Hulu for FREE?!) And that's when I come to my senses and realize that I've really gotta start crackin' on something. I'm not going to lie. I panic. And it takes me awhile to recover. The extremely brief video below is the best way of explaining what I go through when I'm in this position. And since I am determined not to write about Anthony Weiner's weiner again, I am posting that video. Hopefully, there will be something decent for me to write about tomorrow so I don't have to post vivid descriptions of how my mind works under pressure.

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Si. Vale.

I have the best best friend in the entire world. Not only is she the most excellent friend anyone could ever want, she is a kick ass mother who has raised two beautiful children. One of those children, the boy, is a surfer and is about to turn 21. The other child, the girl, is 23 and is currently in Spain being a nanny. What's that? Oh, right. Excuuuuse me. An au pare. It's soooo European. Call it what you will, she's there. And now she's blogging about her experiences. Do you see where this is going? Of course you do.

I was so honored to be one of the first three to be instructed to read the aforementioned blog (the other two being her mother and her dog), that I felt the need to mention it here. I gave it a read and she's pretty funny. Granted, there's only one real entry at this point (if you don't count the part where she recounts accidentally calling "fruit" "bitches" in Spanish, as her mastery of the language has not yet peaked), but I anticipate it turning into quite the continuing saga. Give her a read if you feel like it. http://haleyclanton.tumblr.com/

Oh, and I was also instructed to mention that her mom loves her very much. I thought I could squeeze it in somehow above, but that didn't turn out so well. Her mom really loves her and is really super proud of her. So there.

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Happy New Year 2011!

Happy New Year! Or, Happy Saturday (if you tend to look at these things like I do and realize that there's not all that much 'new' going on just because two digits in the year have changed)!

Holy canoli, I did it. I posted at least once, every day, for the third year in a row. What is wrong with me? Oh, right, overly opinionated and quite amusing, that's it! I ended 2009 with almost 400posts and that works out to right around 1.13 posts per day. That's a lot. I don't care who you are, that's a lot. If you have almost 400 of something, you have a lot of that thing. And since I'm not one to be a slacker (well, I'm not one to be a slacker so that everyone knows that I'm a slacker. I might be lazy, but I'm crafty!), that is going to have to be the minimum number of posts for me for 2011. And judging from the 2010 debacles that have not yet ironed themselves out, I'm sure that won't seem like such a lofty goal come May or June when I've really got a full head of steam. (And with so many people still wondering if President Barry is a Muslim who was born in Kenya? (He isn't and he wasn't, by the way.) This blog will practically write itself! And on some days, that really wouldn't be such a bad idea.)

Well, this is all starting to sound a little self serving here, so I need to get to the point that I had meant to hit on to begin with. Pretty much, the only reason that I had for posting every single day for a year was simply just to see if I could. That and to get better at....whatever this is. That's just how I work. If I have an ongoing project, I'd prefer that I continue to improve it and get better at whatever it is that I'm doing. And I really wanted to get better at this...whatever this is. And the first year of doing that was work. The second year, while I thought it would be easier, was more work in some ways (I did not see that coming). And while I think that I have gotten better at it, I know that there's no way I could have done it (nor would there have been a reason for it) almost 400 times if it hadn't been for those of you who read this and have encouraged me along the way to keep it up (lest you actually have to hear me rant about something) via your comments, your readership, your emails or just telling me in person:

La Belle Canadienne, (My link to Canada, America's Hat); Remi, my biggest fan in Germany (I'm huge in Europe!); Irritated Tulsan (Some days, he's more irritated than I am!); Granny Ann, for her consistent readership and frequent comments (I love the comments!); My dear, dear friend Julie, for sharing this blog with other people, for leaving great comments and for helping me to think about things in different ways (ie, Christine O'Donnell and Glenn Beck); CW (who was probably the first to let me know that I might be on to something here); Gerard, my London link to all that is whores; Ruth, my UK link to everything but the whores (which is perfectly fine!); CA (who reads the posts, well...who reads the comments in bulk and loves the pictures!), Kate, for reassuring me from time to time that I am still at least a little funny; Scott, for being my newfound friend, on the blog and off; King of New York Hacks, for his consistent presence; Terrier, because what's not to like about someone who seems to be around 16 years old and follows a blog like this? And finally, AliceAmplified (who has helped shape my critical thinking skills, been an avid, yet blog-mocking, supporter as well as the best friend one could ever imagine. She also writes extremely well, which has left me wanting to learn how to express things as well and as concisely as she can. I can get wordy if I'm not careful.).

You guys all rule. Thank you. Thanks for reading. Thanks for commenting. Thanks for coming back. Just thanks.

May all of you have an incredibly awesome 2011.

~ Mare

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Odd Keyword Searches

People find this blog by a variety of means. (And God bless those Google boys.) But regardless as to which search engine they are using (and the majority of the time, it is a search engine), they have to put in keywords to find what they're looking for. As I have a little program called Stat Counter which keeps track of a multitude of things for me here at the blog, I am privy to what the keywords are that people are searching for. It's usually pretty easy to tell what's in the news on certain days because a lot of searches will have keywords pertaining to a hot news item. But other days, the search keywords just look like a cornucopia of crap with a one way ticket straight to this blog. I don't know if that's good or bad, but I'm going to share with you some of the search terms that brought folks here yesterday. Let's begin.

I had two requests for "rachel raye naked red tube". I don't even know what in the hell that could possible mean. Red tube? I can assume that they mean the cute and perky little cooking chick, Rachel Ray, but I have no idea what in the world the "red tube" is referring to. I can't even guess. Whatever. I certainly hope that this blog post helped them out: The Possibility of the Misperception of Scarves

I had a couple of chicken queries yesterday. One was for "chicken says weatherforcast". (Thank God that people don't need to know how to spell, nor separate words in order to find this blog.) The other was for "one legged chicken". Oddly enough, both of those inquiries were likely directed to this post: Today's News - Now With Chickens!

I receive an unimaginable number of hits from people looking for whores in London. Whores in London. Hookers in London. Prostitutes in London. People want to pay for sex when they're in London, that's for sure! Cheap whores in London. Cheapest hookers in London. Oddly enough, I get almost no inquiries for things like "How to tell if I'm riddled with chlamydia after a trip to Europe." Almost never. But I have gotten plenty of mileage, thanks to the wonderment that is the European hooker, out of this post: Economical Hookers In London. (In fact, if you Google "hookers in london" the first result will be this blog! That's a fact that brings me an equal amount of pride and shame at the same time.)

There's not a day that goes by that someone doesn't inquire as to whether or not Annette Funicello is dead. I don't know why that is. Seriously. No other celebrity on my end of things has had their mortality wondered about than Annette Funicello. I cannot explain it. Nope. Can't even come close. And the post that folks are directed to, Who Are These People & Why Are They Hot?, isn't really going to help you understand that either. But I'm here to tell you, she's alive. And I'm also here to tell you, you'll know when she's dead.

Sometimes the search terms just make me laugh. There was "i got tricked to pose nude on chatroulette" that just made me howl with laughter. Really? Tricked? By a computer? Man, do I want to know the back story on THAT one. What really has me confused is that came up not once, but twice. There are at least TWO morons out there who, inexplicably, took off their clothes with their webcam activated as they were logged onto Chat Roulette. Wow. Who are you people? And why are you looking to blogs for what to do about what ails you? Put your damn clothes on and read a book, for cryin' out loud! "what do you mean by nope" was another one that was quite a head scratcher for me. What does that even mean? Nope means nope! Nope! It's not like it's all cryptic or anything. It means nope! Odd, yet hilarious.

Look, the point to all of this is that regardless as to how you found this blog and whether or not you found it with or without your clothes on, I just wanted to say thanks. Thanks

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Happy New Year 2010!

Happy New Year! Or, Happy Friday (if you tend to look at these things like I do and realize that there's not all that much 'new' going on just because two digits in the year have changed)!

Holy canoli, I did it. I posted at least once, every day, for the second year in a row. What is wrong with me? Oh, right, overly opinionated and quite amusing, that's it! I ended 2009 with 415 posts and that works out to right around 1.13 posts per day. That's a lot. I don't care who you are, that's a lot. If you have 415 of something, you have a lot of that thing. And since I'm not one to be a slacker (well, I'm not one to be a slacker so that everyone knows that I'm a slacker. I might be lazy, but I'm crafty!), that is going to have to be the minimum number of posts for me for 2010. And judging from the 2009 debacles that have not yet ironed themselves out, I'm sure that won't seem like such a lofty goal come May or June when I've really got a full head of steam. (And with the recent failed plane blow up and people still wondering if President Barry is a Muslim who was born in Kenya? (He isn't and he wasn't, by the way.) This blog will practically write itself! And on some days, that really wouldn't be such a bad idea.)

Well, this is all starting to sound a little self serving here, so I need to get to the point that I had meant to hit on to begin with. Pretty much, the only reason that I had for posting every single day for a year was simply just to see if I could. That and to get better at....whatever this is. That's just how I work. If I have an ongoing project, I'd prefer that I continue to improve it and get better at whatever it is that I'm doing. And I really wanted to get better at this...whatever this is. And the first year of doing that was work. The second year, while I thought it would be easier, was more work in some ways (I did not see that coming). And while I think that I have gotten better at it, I know that there's no way I could have done it (nor would there have been a reason for it) 415 times if it hadn't been for those of you who read this and have encouraged me along the way to keep it up (lest you actually have to hear me rant about something) via your comments, your readership, your emails or just telling me in person:

La Belle Canadienne, (My link to Canada, America's Hat); Remi, my biggest fan in Germany (I'm huge in Europe!); Irritated Tulsan (Some days, he's more irritated than I am!); Granny Ann, for her consistent readership and frequent comments (I love the comments!); MK, who was kind enough to email me and let me know that one of my posts made her laugh so hard she cried (bringing people to tears in a good way for once! Woo-hoo! A compliment like that really goes a heck of a long way.); CW (who was probably the first to let me know that I might be on to something here); Gerard, my London link to all that is whores; Ruth, my UK link to everything but the whores (which is perfectly fine!); CA (who reads the posts, well...who reads the comments in bulk and loves the pictures!) and finally, AliceAmplified (who has helped shape my critical thinking skills, been an avid, yet blog-mocking, supporter as well as the best friend one could ever imagine. She also writes extremely well, which has left me wanting to learn how to express things as well and as concisely as she can. I can get wordy if I'm not careful.).

You guys all rule. Thank you. Thanks for reading. Thanks for commenting. Thanks for coming back. Just thanks.

May all of you have an incredibly awesome 2010.

~ Mare

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Snap Shots

Hey. I've been looking around for things to make Ye Olde Blogge here a little bit cooler. I know, I know, good Lord how?? It's been tricky, lemme tell ya. But I found this dealio called Snap Shots and it makes me happy. Unlike many people who call themselves bloggers (I, on the other hand, do not call myself a blogger. God no! I have a blog, I'm not a blogger. It's not a complimentary term these days. But the blog is what it is and I don't necessarily think that I'm overly special for having one or writing it. Other aspects of my life cover the "overly special" category just fine, thank you.), I always and I mean always cite my sources and include a hyperlink. I don't underline my hyperlinks because I think it looks ridiculous. But they're there!

Click on any link and it takes you to the page where the info came from. Oooh, but now with the handy little Snap Shots dealio (I also hate the term "widget". I prefer "dealio" or "thingee". Who do I talk to about changing the vernacular for the blogging world? Yep, that's right. I don't like "blogosphere" either.) you can just mouse over the link and a little window with the page that the link goes to shall pop up there. How's that for nifty?! Very.

I can see where that might be a feature that's easy to miss if you're not one for waving your cursor all over the screen while you're trying to read something. So now you know. I'm not overly thrilled about the blog post for the new features, so there won't be one for every little thing that gets added, but there will for some. And never, never will some little technical post like this take place of my bashing morons across the globe for their softheadedness! You can breathe again.

Thanks again to all eight of you who read this. (I figured this was as good of a time as any to throw that in. You can't really thank people enough sometimes, you know? If I can ever squeeze in a deserving thank you, I will. So I did.) I think there might be a ninth coming aboard. I can feel it!

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Happy New Year Times Eight

Happy New Year! Or, Happy Thursday (if you tend to look at these things like I do and realize that there's not all that much 'new' going on just because one digit in the year has changed)!

Holy canoli, I did it. I posted at least once, every day, for an entire freaking year. What is wrong with me? Oh, right, overly opinionated and quite amusing, that's it! I ended 2008 with 613 posts and that works out to right around 1.68 posts per day. That's a lot. I don't care who you are, that's a lot. If you have 613 of something, you have a lot of that thing. And since I'm not one to be a slacker (well, I'm not one to be a slacker so that everyone knows that I'm a slacker. I might be lazy, but I'm crafty!), that is going to have to be the minimum number of posts for me for 2009. And judging from the 2008 debacles that have not yet ironed themselves out, I'm sure that won't seem like such a lofty goal come May or June when I've really got a full head of steam. (Oh, and with Barry being inaugurated as President and then the whirlwind of his first 100 days in office? This blog will practically write itself! And on some days, that really wouldn't be such a bad idea.)

I'm thinking about adding a Twitter feed to the ol' blog here. I'm not sure why. I find it kind of annoying and frankly, I'm not all that interested in stuff that I'm doing day to day, I don't know why in the world I'd think that someone else would be. But who knows? Because other than the eight of you reading this, in general, people are what? Morons, that is correct. So maybe Twitter will be a welcome addition. I'll see how that goes just as soon as I can muster up the energy to look into it.

Well, this is all starting to sound a little self serving here, so I need to get to the point that I had meant to hit on to begin with. Pretty much, the only reason that I had for posting every single day for a year was simply just to see if I could. That and to get better at....whatever this is. That's just how I work. If I have an ongoing project, I'd prefer that I continue to improve it and get better at whatever it is that I'm doing. And I really wanted to get better at this...whatever this is. And while I think that I have gotten better at it, I know that there's no way I could have done it (nor would there have been a reason for it) 613 times if it hadn't been for the eight of you who read this and have encouraged me along the way to keep it up (lest you actually have to hear me rant about something) via your comments or just telling me in person:

La Belle Canadienne, (My link to Canada, America's Hat), Remi, my biggest fan in Germany (I'm huge in Europe!), Irritated Tulsan (Some days, he's more irritated than I am!), blnrckr (Because I'm just glad that you read something. Anything!), CW (who was probably the first to let me know that I might be on to something here and has read this damn thing daily for almost a year), Karen (who continued to read whether you were talking to me or not!), CA (who reads the posts, well, reads the comments in bulk and loves the pictures!) and finally, AliceAmplified (who has helped shape my critical thinking skills, been an avid supporter as well as a pretty nifty friend, and whose comments always leave me laughing. She also writes extremely well, which has left me wanting to learn how to express things as well and as concisely as she can. I can get wordy if I'm not careful.).

You guys all rule. Thank you. Thanks for reading. Thanks for commenting. Thanks for coming back. Thanks.

May all eight of you have an awesome 2009.

~ Mare

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I Am A Gender Neutral Male

When I started doing this thing (I hate the word "blog". Not as much as I hate the word "blogger", but it's a close second.) my goal was to be able to see both or all sides of an issue, no matter how asinine or naked some of those sides may be, and then clearly (and with a lot of parentheses) mock the heck out of the jackasses and wrap it up all neat and tidy with a bow. OK, so I've never used a bow, but mocking jackasses I've managed to accomplish to a large degree; that I will admit to. Recently it's been suggested to me that I take a more definitive stand on things. I don't know if I'm comfortable taking such a strong stand on things one way or the other that it becomes predictable or that I become predictable. That's why I was striving for neutral. (Actually, I was striving for mediocre, but I'll take neutral.) And apparently, I have accomplished my goal.

Someone out there has created what they are calling the Gender Analyzer. The way that they describe their little 'toy' and what it does goes like this: "We created Genderanalyzer out of curiosity and fun. It uses Artificial Intelligence to determine if a home page is written by a man or woman. Behind the scene, a text classifier hosted over at uClassify has been trained on blogs written by men and women. In our lab it seems to works pretty well, we want to see how it performs on the web! We hope you like it! " Well, well, well. Naturally, I gave it a whack.

The analysis came back stating that my blog "appears to be gender neutral (a slight preference for male)." Oh, really? Now, granted, I am freakishly strong and have a voice that can at times rival that of the late and great Barry White. However, I don't see how either of those would play into the factoring of gender analysis in this instance as I am, by all accounts and according to an impromptu spot check just a few seconds ago, female.

But I was pretty happy with the "gender neutral" designation. That's kind of what I was aiming for in the overall scheme of things. (ONLY on the blog! I'm ONLY striving for 'gender neutral' status ON the blog! No where else! Everywhere else I'm striving for 'female' or, at the very least, just not 'bitch'.) And I really liked how they used parenthesis in their analysis! That was a nice touch!

And the fun didn't stop there! From there I went over to the Typealyzer. The Tylealyzer folks tell us that "Typealyzer.com is developed by the happy people @ prkfect . se." OK. How happy? Well, happy enough to write this app that basically analyzes the text of a blog and then generates what characteristics or what type of persona the person writing the blog has. Uh-huh. AND?

I ended up being classified as something called ISFP - The Artists. (I do like art!) It summed me up like so: "The gentle and compassionate type. They are especially attuned their inner values and what other people need. They are not friends of many words and tend to take the worries of the world on their shoulders. They tend to follow the path of least resistance and have to look out not to be taken advantage of. They often prefer working quietly, behind the scene as a part of a team. They tend to value their friends and family above what they do for a living." Eh, mostly true. The "not friends of many words" line? What a bunch of crap. Have they read this thing lately? Words are my friends! And the "tend to take the worries of the world on their shoulders" I think I'd probably disagree with that as well. Oh, I am concerned that people are morons, that part is true. But do I constantly worry about it? Not so much.

It even provided me with a lovely chart of my brain on blog! Behold! What the inside of my head may or may not look like when I'm doing this!

They definitely got the Thinking part and the Feeling part mixed up there. (They also spelled 'rhythm' incorrectly. That large 'Sensing' section there will be sending them an email shortly.) I'd definitely switch those. The Typealyzer also provided me with a little thing that they call a 'badge'. (Sure, in the sense that The Scarlet Letter was also 'a badge'. It's hideous.) And if I wanted to, I could use it as a widget on the blog. Again, if I was so inclined. I am not. But I will share. Behold!

See? Spiffy, eh? And that's about the extent of the 'feeling' me. What's next, you ask? Something called oFaust. oFaust is self proclaimed as a 'literature expert'. It claims to be able to tell me which classical author my text is most like. Oh, really? This should be good.

I had it analyze the first paragraph in this post. And apparently that translates out to being 33% like Lewis Carroll! The 'Alice in Wonderland' guy? (Hmmm. In a way, an 'Alice' has been on my mind lately, but I can't imagine that had anything to do with it.) All right, well, hold on just a minute there, Sparky. Let's try another one. This time, I took the 2nd to last paragraph from the post about the lesbians and the Mormons and ran that one through and, once again, I come up like Lewis Carroll, but only 23% this time. Hmmm. And that paragraph that I chose was also, in a way an 'Alice' related. Interesting. (But if you're asking me, Lewis Carroll sort of looks like the one who is the gender neutral male around here.)

I think I'm most happy about being a gender neutral male. I don't really buy into all of the 'feely-feely' stuff, but it's nice that there's something like that out there for those who do buy into all of the 'feely-feely' stuff. And I don't know what to think about my writing style being somewhat and vaguely similar to that of a guy who wrote whilst on LSD. That concerns me just a bit. (And for anyone who was ever curious, it definitely gives you a little insight into what it's like in my head.. ALL...THE...TIME.)

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One

So, I realized that yesterday (I'm slow, big deal) was the day that one year ago I started this thing. Now, granted, it didn't become an every, single, freaking day thing until January 1, 2008, but it had to start somewhere. And after it did start, here it is, a year later, and it's still here. And that's amazing to me. I mean, I wouldn't say I'm flaky, but I am a little ADHD, so sometimes things get a little lost or put off. But not this thing. No, I decided (or it was decided for me) that if I didn't find some other outlet (other than my friends) for which to spew and spout my varied opinions on everything, I was going to end up bitter and alone. Of course I didn't realize that until it actually happened and that's when the blog idea sounded just swell!

So it all worked out. I'm way glad that it was suggested to me that this would be a much more effective way of pointing out the overlooked minutiae of everyday life as it is portrayed in the news media. (I didn't want to be bitter and alone.) More effective in that my friends didn't have to listen to me all the time or get text messages in the middle of the day that would be something to the effect of "Did you know that an opossum has 13 nipples? Is that bad luck for the opossum? I'd think it was bad luck if I had 13 nipples, but I'm not an opossum. What do you think?" I didn't get a lot of return texts, now that I think about it.

Anyway, for all eight of you who read this, thanks a lot. Thanks to my buddy in Salt Lake who strongly suggested (translation: threatened with force) that I do this. Thanks to those up in Canada, America's Hat, who read this frequently. And thanks to the guy in Germany who read every single post in like 2 days and keeps reading almost daily. (I'm HUGE in Europe!) Thanks to those who read this every day in the beginning and were extremely complimentary. (That really helped me out a lot. A LOT.) Thanks to anyone and everyone who has ever linked to my blog from their blog/website/email/forum. Thanks to those my friends who don't read it all that often but pretend like they do (but will always read it if I am feeling particularly self important and send them a link to a particular post).

And thank you to that Wonder Woman-esque Santa Cruz chica that I absolutely adore. You read, you listen, you point things out, you comment, could there be anything else? (Aside from being extremely nice and, yes, very polite.) This is one of those bars that gets raised (which is so much better than a bar getting razed, because then where would I drink?) because I know you're checking it out. Thanks for all that. And all of that other stuff too.

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Tattoos Should Never Be Mandatory

It would seem that over in there in London they have a one Reverend Peter Mullen who seems to be rather opinionated (translation: crazy) in his views of "the gays" and how they should be handled (Mmm...yeah, pun probably intended there.). His anti-gay stance (oh, puns abound in that one) felt so important to him that he felt the need to post his thoughts on his blog. (Oh, that explains it. he's a blogger. Sheesh. Bloggers!) I'm sure you can guess that hilarity did not ensue.

According to the fine blokes down under at couriermail.com.au, his blog post, among other things, deemed all gay pride parades (all? Like the Kinda Gay, the Really Gay and the Flaming Gay parades? All?) to be "obscene" and called for them to be outlawed, and "He also criticised the blessing of two gay priests at a "wedding" performed earlier this year in a City of London church." And while I understand that some people out there really have a problem with the whole gay thing and are going to say, do or write stupid, stupid things, I think he might have over empowered himself just a bit as he continued to blog his hateful and ridiculous thoughts. He probably should have left out the part where he suggested "that homosexuals should have their backsides tattooed with the slogan: "Sodomy can seriously damage your health." Wait. What?

Correct. Tattoos. And tattooing. For "the gays". He's in favor of tattooing "the gays". Actually, just so you can enjoy what he wrote in all of it's glory, the complete text read, "Let us make it obligatory for homosexuals to have their backsides tattooed with the slogan SODOMY CAN SERIOUSLY DAMAGE YOUR HEALTH and their chins with FELLATIO KILLS." I see. Well, that's pretty clear now, isn't it? Yep, pretty clear. That the man is a moron who should NOT be in the position of Reverend. (I'd like him to be in the position under Bubba, the 300-pound florist down in the Castro.)

Now, right away, if you know anything at all about the gays (oh, admit it, you say you don't know, but you're pretty curious. What about that time in the garage during halftime of the Super Bowl about 10 years ago? You guys just weren't looking at his new saw!) you know that he has clearly not thought this thing through. I mean, really, fellatio doesn't kill people! People kill people! You should know that by now! And on top of that (pun SO intended) they're not billboards, sir! And they're also not looking for a little light reading at the time that they might be seeing your tattoo of hate sprawled across their posterior.

Why the chin? That seems like just poor product placement. Shouldn't he have suggested the forehead for the fellatio one? It seems like it would be more effective there. But what do I know? I'm a chick. Hey, and that reminds me, what is he planning on doing for the lesbians? Having them get a tattoo that reads "Save the bushland! Get a husband!" on their stomachs or what?

Of course, when the good Reverend was spoken to about this, he "insisted his remarks were "light-hearted jokes" and "satirical". He also proclaimed (translation: lied) "I certainly have nothing against homosexuals. Many of my dear friends have been and are of that persuasion." First of all, I don't know too many gay people who would take the notion and the suggestion that they should be involuntarily branded with an anti-homosexual message as a "light hearted joke", nor would they interpret the idea as "satirical". Homophobic and asinine, perhaps. Light hearted and satirical? Probably not. But what's with the "have been" part? How does that work? "Hey, Bob! How's it going? Long time, no see! Still gay?" (To which the appropriate answer would be, "Yep! Still an ass?")

Fortunately, the Church of England ordered him to remove the comments from his blog because they said they were "highly offensive." Oh, you think?! But Rev. Mullen also added, "What I have got against them is the militant preaching of homosexuality." Militant preaching? He must not have heard of "Don't ask, don't tell." There's no military anything involved with the gays when it comes to the preaching, especially if no one asked.

Now, of course when there's any sort of a gay slur out there, a gay rights group has to come up for air and denounce the comments. Taking their turn in the rotation this time was the gay rights group Outrage. They described the comments as "Neanderthal". Right behind him (pun way intended) was the gay rights group Stonewall. Their chief executive, Ben Summerskill, said the comments were "nonsense" and "If I were a vicar at the heart of the City of London, I might be praying about other things at the moment rather than getting hot under the collar about gay sex." Dude. Getting hot under the collar is usually how the gay sex starts! It's definitely how it ends in some instances! Nothing wrong with a hot collar, after all. (And after that collar gets all hot underneath and there's all the subsequent sex, you know what? Not so bad! In fact, done correctly, it's quite good! My God, was it good. Oh, whoops. Sorry. I digress. )

Just for the record, a Diocese of London spokeswoman said the remarks did not reflect its views. Well, I should hope not! Being a diocese and all, the homo hating? Not very church-y. Not at all. They said, "While clergy are entitled to their own personal views, we fully recognise that the content of this text is highly offensive and it is in no way reflective of the views of the Diocese of London." (Translation: We're not stupid. But he is. We don't hate gay people. But he does. We'd like to get rid of him, but you know how we roll. Anything else? No? OK, then.")

While looking for pictures of this buffoon, I ran across some photos from an event he spoke at (presumedly without all of the gay bashing and tattooed chin suggesting) a few years ago. He was at the 37th Anniversary Dinner for the Ancient Society of College Youths. I'm going to have to guess that a few people who were there that night would not be happy to learn of his comments and his tattooing suggestions that he's made of late to help control all of the militant gayness over there.

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