Monday, June 8, 2009

This Beltway is the Wrong Way

I'll be the first to admit, I'm far from a fashion monger. Fashion mongrel is probably more like it (though I do possess the uncanny ability to pick out which shoes go with any outfit; a talent that has succeeded in advancing my place in life approximately never). But from monger to mongrel, from blogger to blogee, from layman to standman, for the love of God will someone please explain to Michelle Obama how to wear a damn belt for Christ's sake?!

I love Michelle Obama. I find her to be about as real as any wife of a politician can be. She also seems to take that whole 'I am a mother and these are my children, so back off' role rather seriously, which I appreciate and respect a heck of a lot more than the realness of a politician's wife. And being one who isn't all fashion-y herself, I don't necessarily think that I should be one to judge. That would just be like, "Hello, Kettle? This is The Pot. You're black!" (By the way, I find that delivery of that particular analogy funny. Every. Time.) But even I know when something like this is fashionably amiss. Behold!

Seriously. It's just wrong. And trust me, as a fashion mongrel, if even I can sense that it's wrong, then it's really wrong. Look at her standing there next to the luscious Carla Bruni. Look at the difference in torso size as defined by the location of the belt! Carla Bruni looks fine. Michelle Obama's stature is akin to that of a grape on top of a candlestick. The thing is that it can so easily be fixed. So why isn't it?! Where the bottom of her belt lies in these photos is where the top of the belt should probably be. That's all it would take. It would at least be a start! And YES, I am familiar with how a belt works. Complicated contraption, but thanks for asking. I understand that there is the hip factor involved. But come on! Where she's wearing the belt now, it's like a shelf for her breasts. No one needs that, really. Do they?

God, and it just keeps going.....

And going.....

And going.....

She's a tall woman. Wearing a belt in such a manner that makes it appear as if your torso is comparable to that of Herve Villachaize is not a flattering look. Again, breast shelf. A shelf for breasts. Unnecessary and unwelcome.

The fact that she seems to have a favorite belt does not help the situation. What? You haven't noticed her favorite belt? I'm I the only one who knows about the favorite belt? In fact, three of the five photos above (those would be the last three) involve the belt of choice. If I glance at a photo of her and it appears that she is be-belted, I immediately check to see if it is the belt Quite often, it is. The belt. Behold!

It appears to be some sort of shiny, be-studded number. Behold!

One which I assume clasps or....what do belts do? Cinch? Cinch in the back? Whatever it is, you just keep beholding! There's more of that belt and whatever it does where that belt came from!

Even has it in white, for cryin' out loud! (Granted, not the best photo for the accentuation of the white version of the belt, but trust me. It's the same. Only white.)

And let's face it, our First Lady is hot. She doesn't need the belt. She's perfectly capable of rockin' many other looks that are sans belt. For instance....behold!

See? Now there, she might be be-belted, but you don't really notice for a variety of reasons. A) You're busy wondering why her pants are so short (Answer: It's OK. They're supposed to be like that for some unknown reason. Me? I say, Make a choice! Shorts or pants! You can't have both!), B) You're busy scoping out the one bare shoulder look and praying to God that the Flashdance look doesn't come roaring back, or C) It's all camouflaged up in there by the spectacular pattern of...stuff that she has going on there.

Are you going to tell me that any of our other recent First Ladies could have pulled that look off? Hillary?

OH, stop screaming! It's only Photoshop. Calm down. But you see what I'm saying, correct? I mean, even in the photo below, taken on Stevie Wonder night at the White House a couple of months back, where Michelle is trying out her Whitney Houston look, she looks pretty good and she can pull it off, but the belt is just too darned high.

So then I started thinking, why does she need a belt at all? I'll show you why. Behold! Why!

OK, so we've established that without a belt, she can look rather frock-ish. But with a belt in the wrong place, she can really look a bit like someone grabbed two Garanimals tags that didn't match. It's like someone put the giraffe with the tiger or some other animal that isn't a giraffe. (Not that I have anything against giraffes. I happen to be quite fond! I'm just sayin'.) But whose to say that she has to be wearing a dress all the time? Behold!

Now we're talkin'. Belt's still up there, but it blends with everything else, so you don't notice as much. Bravo!

So, what have we learned? Plenty. We've learned that Michelle Obama wears her belts too high and that she does not seem to need the breast shelf that it seems to create. We've learned that she appears to have a favorite belt which comes in both black and white (just like her husband). We've also learned that Michelle Obama can definitely rock a pair of trousers or slacks or whatever those are just fine. And finally, we've learned that I pay attention to some of the weirdest things that are out there.

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grannyann said...

Maybe she has no waist and the belt has to be where she puts it. If you can't wear one where it goes I would think she would not wear one.

Mare said...

I agree! I think she does have a waist though. She appears to be remarkably fit.

But yes, if she can't wear one where it is supposed to go, for the love of all the is human, why does she? It's a perplexing question. One that, clearly, has kept me thinkin'.

~ M