Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Not a Good Way to Go

Seriously! How long did you actually think that I'd be able to keep quiet after David Carradine was found dead, hanging in the closet in his hotel room, in Bangkok, Thailand, the perverted sex capital of the world!? I'm sure it wasn't quite this long! I didn't know if I could make it as long as I did. BUT....I, as one with her hand on the pulse of humankind, I knew that when there's a death that appears to be as unfortunate as involving tied up genitalia, that a story like that is only going to get better, akin to that of a fine wine, as time passes by. But it's been four days, so drink up!

David Carradine, as you may or may not care to be aware, was the star of the 1970s TV show 'Kung Fu', a series in which the oh-so-believable and likely plot have Carradine playing Kwai Chang Caine, a Shaolin priest who, armed with only his martial arts skills, travels the American frontier in the 1800s in search of his half brother, Danny. That's right. Kwai Chang is on the lookout for his half brother, Danny. I guess it's the 'half brother' part that makes the very unsimilar names of siblings seem...believable? I don't know, but from 1972-1975, folks liked the show.

Lately, Carradine had seen a resurgence of his fame (or well known-ness) with not only a lead role in the Kill Bill movies, but also as the Kung Fu guy in those commercials for The Yellow Pages. And while a resurgence of one's fame is generally a good thing, if you're going to die shortly thereafter the midst of said resurgence, hopefully it will be in somewhat of a dignified way because now people are going to hear that you've died and won't be saying, "Who?" All I'm saying is that when people know who you are, you don't want to be found dead in Bangkok hanging naked in the closet all tied up with your unit and looking somewhat like a trussed turkey, I would imagine.

Initially, Mr. Carradine's death was reported as "a suicide", a logical conclusion when one is found hanging in a closet. But most people who hang themselves don't also feel the need to simultaneously hang their genitalia. Mr. Carradine's friends and family insisted that he "would never kill himself". Now, I understand what they're saying, but they're leaving out a crucial part of that sentiment. I believe, given the situation, that what they are trying to express is that he "would never kill himself intentionally". Because while perhaps not on purpose, it would appear as if he did end up doing just that. Killing himself.

Now his ex-wife had a book coming out before this all happened. And in which book she appears to detail and support the notion that Mr. Carradine enjoyed the type of sexual gratification that he appeared to be partaking in of at the time of his passing. That is, of course, that type of sexual gratification without all of the dying. And her making that assertion beforehand would tend to lend credibility to the assertion afterhand that his death was, indeed, through his own hands. (Although, actually, if he had been doing things with just his own hands and not the cord from the window blinds, we probably wouldn't be having this discussion now, would we?)

So as much as one's family and loved ones might not be so keen on admitting that the dude apparently and allegedly had somewhat of a, um, fetish (?) it would seem to me to be a hell of a lot better to just suck that up rather than come up with cockamamie stories such as the one I've just read about. According to The Sun, "Relatives of the US actor suggested he was assassinated for delving into the activities of shadowy martial arts sects." Oh, people. Please. What?

Again, from The Sun, "The family's lawyer said it was possible he was targeted for trying to expose underworld groups." Well, plenty of things "are possible." It's "possible" I could be President....soon! But I'm not gonna. It's "possible" monkeys could fly out of my arse. (Sea monkeys, but monkeys none the less.) They ain't gonna, but again, technically it's "possible." All of that being said and thoroughly mocked, I'm doubting that was the case.

But apparently, Carradine's family isn't exactly the first family of a fallen martial arts expert to come up with this sort of assertion. "The claim echoed conspiracy theories that martial arts expert Bruce Lee was killed by Chinese Triads in 1973." Huh. See, I had never heard that about Bruce Lee. Then again, I'm not sure if I know what a Chinese Triad is exactly, so I could have heard about it but had it all go right on over my head. That could also explain why I didn't know that "Secret societies in kung fu date back centuries and were originally formed to protect humble people from corrupt Chinese overlords. But many have since turned to crime." Huh.

How would a secret society protect humble people who (I'm assuming) knew kung fu from corrupt Chinese overlords? Was it only the humble who were protected? What about kung fu folks who were just real a-holes? Were they protected by the society of secretness? And what's with the turning to crime? Not a very lucrative trade, the protecting of the humble? I'm guessing there. Sheer speculation on my part. But you do see the holes in the theory, I'm sure.
I don't understand any of this except for the fact that someone who, by most accounts, seemed to be a very nice and very likeable man, is dead because he liked to choke himself whilst simultaneously choking other parts of himself. As one who does not personally possess a penis, I'm not sure what all of the tying up of said penis was about. Was he afraid it would escape? I've had dogs that I've had to keep on a chain in the backyard so that they wouldn't run off, was it the same with his penis? Why must it be tied up?

I'm hoping that the family will be able to come to grips (no pun intended) with this whole mess and just leave Bruce Lee and his alleged killers out of it. It's sad enough the man is going to be remembered for what he is, does he need to be remembered as part of some ridiculous, near impossible theory that his family comes up with so as to not have to deal with the reality of it all? Let's hope not.

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grasshopper said...

I'm leaning toward the "Assassination by a secret Kung Fu Sect" theory as the most plausible explanation for Carradine's death

Mare said...

Don't lean too far, you might hurt yourself. While I'm not yet willing to go as far as "most plausible", I am willing to go as far as "most entertaining" theory. I can only hope that the family will begin to elaborate on their theory. How great would that be?!

Thanks for reading!

~ M