Monday, June 1, 2009

Step Away From the Panda, You Pervert

If you hire people to work for you, I think you need to have some sort of a screening process in place to weed out those that could potentially be, say, damaging to your reputation. Embarrassing even. Now imagine if you were a Pennsylvania State Senator. And you found out that you had a staffer who was arrested and charged "...with attempted sexual exploitation of children, unlawful contact with a minor and criminal solicitation to commit sexual abuse of children." While dressed like a panda. Wait. A pannn....WTF?!

Correct. A panda. Those cute and charming black and white creatures predominantly found in China but shipped here to the US to spend time in zoos to the delight of gazillions of tourists who think it's perfectly natural to be standing 5 feet away from a panda in downtown Washington, DC. And speaking of Washington, DC, did I mention that this pervert worked for a Senator?!

I'm getting ahead of myself here. A one Alan David Berlin, age old-enough-to-know-better-at-40, is a former staffer of Pennsylvania State Senator Jane Orie-R. No, I do not know why her political party that she represents would be important here, but the article over there at the felt the need to include it, so I did as well. Plus, why not just bait the waters a little bit more with yet another reason for people to attack the character of the Republicans. (Though you have to admit, saying that they want to fornicate with omnivorous Asian mammals could really be hard to top. So really, by putting out there that she's a Republican, this story could end all of the back biting once and for all! Who'd a thunk it?) I say that he's a 'former' staffer of Senator Orie because he was fired on Friday. He was arrested on Thursday. I don't think that those two are completely independent of one another. Just a hunch, but I'm guessing that once your employer gets wind of the fact that you've been trying to solicit panda sex from, wait for it, a 15-year old boy, you're going to get fired. Soon. As soon as possible.

It would seem that Mr. Berlin had "...used Internet chats and instant messages to proposition the Harrisburg-area boy, including talking about dressing up in animal costumes and engaging in various sex acts." That according to the state Attorney General, a one Tom Corbett. He disclosed that these untoward events occurred " April and May, (and he) discussed various sex acts with the boy." Mr. Berlin (who I am really tempted to repeatedly call 'The Pervert') also suggested that he " to the boy's home and have sex with him in the backyard while his parents slept." Oh. I see. While his parents slept. Oh, well, good! Because it would have been a completely different story if his parents had been awake! OF COURSE WHILE HIS PARENTS SLEPT! Because other than that one details, what could possibly go wrong?! Please.

Apparently, Berlin (aka The Pervert) (Sorry! I can't help it!) had worked for the Senate since 1993. For some inexplicable reason, this story included a quote from a one Mike Sarfert, who was the chief counsel for Senator Orie, when he said that Berlin (aka The Pervert) "...did not work on major legislation but assisted with grants for things such as roadwork." Um, what?

What difference does that make?! Didn't work on major legislation! Did work on major legislation! Who the hell cares?! I don't care if he worked on the railroad all the live long day! He wanted to have sex with a boy dressed like a panda! The only thing I care about as far as his employment duties are concerned is whether or not they involved any sort of zookeeping responsibilities! I don't care what he DID for the Senator! I care about what he wanted to DO to a panda! And the boy! For hell's sake, can people not FOCUS?!?!

Well, after you run across someone doing something like Berlin (aka The Pervert) was, if you're law enforcement, you get a warrant to search their place. And they did. That's when they learned that pandas were not the only thing that Berlin (aka The Pervert) apparently had a penchant for. "Authorities also found a wolf costume and cat-type costume...but the panda costume has not been found." So, wait. It's definitely a wolf costume, but it's only a cat type costume? What does that mean? "Cat type"? Like a big house cat "cat type? Like Tony the Tiger "cat type"? Like Halle Berry as the Catwoman "cat type"? What does that mean? It won't make this any better (or worse!) but at this point, details are essential for the very fact that we have already been told about the longing for the panda. We have a picture in our heads (admit it!) of someone in a panda suit. We need to know what the "cat type" costume consists of so that we can add it to our list of images floating around in our heads (and without our consent, might I add).

A one spokesman for the attorney general, a one Nils Frederiksen, said that "Berlin (aka The Pervert) used the costumes as an entree to solicit the boy." Wait. What?!

The kid was 15 right? And this dude, The Pervert (No more aka-ing this guy. He's worth of full pervert declaration at this point!) thought that a panda suit was his in? Now, aside from the fact that I don't know if a panda suit would entice any boy, really, regardless of age. But I'm really hoping that it is not some unknown fantasy amongst throngs of teenage boys to engage in some sort of interspecies coital relations!

But here's my favorite quote from the good Mr. Frederiksen. "It's one thing to be interested in the furry culture, it's another thing to make arrangements to have sex with a teenage boy." ::: blink ::: ::: blink :::

"The furry culture"? Like mold? It's a furry culture. Oooooohh. THAT furry culture. Yikes. Well, in that case, yes. Yes, it is. Well said, sir. Well said.

Fortunately, this guy is sitting in jail with a $250,000 bail. Now, granted, knowing the salaries of some government workers, he might be able to afford that no problem. But let's hope not. Instead, let's hope that this little story makes its way around to some of the other inmates. Some of the burlier inmates. Some of the more sexually deprived and burly inmates. Let's hope they get wind of The Pervert's Follies and act accordingly. Accordingly according to prisoners, of course. I'm not suggesting any sort of leniency for this type of thing. Hell, no! That guy's interested in pandas? Hopefully Bubba will be able to give him a little tutorial on bamboo and wazoo! Should be quite enlightening for him. As it should be.

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