Tuesday, June 16, 2009

I'm A Dinner Jacket and the Fraudulent Election

If you're going to rig a country's election or if you're going to orchestrate a completely fraudulent election (custom made to look like an honest-to-goodness, real election), you're probably doing so for more than one reason but with likely only one goal. That goal would be "to win". Wait. Actually, that goal would be "to be declared the winner" as you haven't really won anything. And the reasons that you're doing that are because a) you're an a-hole and, b) you knew you were going to lose. Regardless of the reasons, if you're going to go ahead and fake the whole thing up so that you can stay in power, it would probably be a good idea to at least wait a reasonable amount of time after the polls close before you declare yourself the winner. I mean, after all, when there are almost 40,000,000 paper ballots to be counted by hand, your saying, "I win!" only 12 hours after the polls close is going to draw some scrutiny. A little bit.

Welcome to Iran! Meet the President of Iran, a one Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. Behold! That name is obviously a mouthful, but the correct pronunciation comes easily if you can remember that it sounds strikingly similar to "I'm a dinner jacket." (It was recently pointed out to me that "Aqua dinner jacket" kind of sounds closer to the real thing. It's still kind of a toss up, but I'll concede that "Aqua dinner jacket" is closer sounding. It's also quite a bit gayer sounding.) If you still can't remember how to pronounce it, you can always go with the reliable ol' standby: Ferret Face.

I'm a Ferret Faced Dinner Jacket was believed to be trailing in the polls to his most formidable opponent, a one Mir Hossein Mousavi. (You can attempt to pronounce that with some clever little mnemonic as we've done with Dinner Jacket, or you can just go with another ol' standby: Mr. Completely Unpronounceable. Or just MCP. Your choice. Both refer to the same guy, the seemingly actual winner who is now the seemingly designated loser.) There was a pretty large turnout at the polls as well. Usually when people are going for the status quo, they don't turn out in droves to support that. Usually a high turnout at the polls means that folks want change and they want it bad enough to get up off of their sandy rear end and go vote for it en masse.

So you can imagine the "surprise" when only 12 hours after the polls closed, final results were announced by authorities who do that sort of announcing and they said Ferret Face wins. For the sake of something to compare the timing of that announcement to, in recent past elections, it has taken at least twice as long to count up all of the votes. Oh, yeah. Did I mention they count them by hand? They do. Did I mention that the ballot counters have bionic limbs? Yeah, they don't. So there's pretty much no way that 39,200,000 ballots were all counted in about 12 hours. That's about 3,266,666 an hour. 54,444 per minute. 907 per second. I was previously unaware of the speed at which Iranians can count election ballots, some of which had write-in candidates which are also supposed to be counted. Has someone contacted the Guinness Book of World Records because I'm pretty sure that this is one. The Fastest Ballot Counting Nation. It can go in the section next to all of the miraculous achievements by the platform shoe wearing, porn loving, ladies glasses donning dictator of North Korea, Kim Jong IL. His feats include hitting a hole in one the very first time he ever swung a golf club and making eleven, yes eleven, eleven hole in ones in ONE round of golf.

Correct. All of those achievements will be found in the fiction section.

What's the hurry, Dinner Jacket? I mean, if you're going to rig your Good thing we had stocked up on these masks to protect us from swine flu.election, you already know that you're going to win. YOU were the one who rigged it. There's no need to be nervous that you might end up losing when you've fixed the outcome. So why not pace yourself a little bit more? Why not drag the ballot counting out for a while so that there wouldn't be so much distrust and suspicion about whether or not your really rapid results are even real? Because now you've got a mess on your hands. You've got people rioting in the streets (and I'm not talking some wussy rioting like the losers down in LA were doing when the Lakers, led by Kobe Bryant, the rapist, won the NBA Championship), you've got 100,000 people marching through Tehran in protest. It all has a very Tiananmen-y Square-ish feel to it, which worries me.

The Iranian government (if that's what you insist on calling it) has different levels and it makes it difficult to really know who is making the decisions that are made. Dinner Jacket is the President. But they also have what they call a "supreme leader". Behold! A Supreme leader!

Of Iran! The Supreme leader of Iran! For cryin' out loud. Behold!

That's better. That's a one Ayatollah Ali Khamenei. As his title implies, he is the leader and a supreme one at that. His say is final when it comes to all matters in Iran. He didn't seem to think that there was a problem with having the candidate that he endorsed win the election. He said it was a "divine assessment." No word on who or what was responsible for that assessment, but I'm just going to assume that it's him. He has just announced that there's going to be a recount. And for some reason, people seem to think that this is a good thing. (And actually, it would be if it were in any way real or genuine.)

Let me spell this out for those who think that something is going to change with a recount. The Grand Poobah over there, that Ayatollah Ali Khamenei guy (who I shall begin referring to as AAK), he supports Dinner Jacket. If he thought that Dinner Jacket was going to lose the election, what do you think he'd do as someone in the position of Supreme leader? Yes! He'd make damn sure that his guy won! He wouldn't take his time doing that or anything, but that's what he'd do and it would appear that is what he has done. So why anyone would think that a ballot recount by a guy who had to have been in on the (alleged) fraudulent election results fiasco is going turn out any different the second time. Honestly, I wouldn't be surprised if they do a recount and then say "Oh, we made a mistake. Dinner Jacket didn't win with 62.6 percent of the vote. Yeah, he won with EIGHTY. Thank you, come again!"

Unfortunately, I don't see the outcome of this election changing. Remember, Aqua Dinner Jacket is a Holocaust denier and when he spoke in the US last year he declared that Iran "does not have homosexuality. I do not know where you heard that we do." All I'm saying is that his credibility is right around a little bit less than zero. And as I write this, seven people have been killed so far. Of course the story is that those 7 tried to attack a "military location", but if you believe that then perhaps you might want to start wearing some of that riot gear that the Iranian authorities are wearing. You know, just to protect your melted ice cream soft head from your own self! I have the feeling that the number of folks killed will hit double digits today and only go up from there as it would seem that a Tienanmen Square like debacle is entirely possible.

Good luck, you guys. While I commend your standing up for the democratic process and what is right, don't do anything dumb that's going to end up with your body being riddled with bullets. This is one of the instances in which I don't think that the 'safety in large numbers' strategy applies.

And this story wouldn't be complete without mentioning how much the media sucks. This is a huge deal. CNN used to be the leader in breaking news. Not so much anymore. The folks over there at ReadWriteWeb wrote a piece (which you can view via that link) stating that "Hours after Iranian police began clashing with tens of thousands of people in the street, the top story on CNN.com remains peoples' confusion about the switch from analog TV signals." But you know where you could find up to date, breaking information on the story? Twitter. Good Lord. We're as doomed as the Iranian election is.

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1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Christiane Amanpour is half Iranian and she interviewed Dinner Jacket in English when she speaks Farsi,so don't expect much from CNN dear.

BTW what's going on the US Senate. Is the coup official?