Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Head On, Head Off

So many things popped into my head after reading the following over there from our friends at The Telegraph:

"A Chinese woman boiled a man's head in a soup because she believed it would cure her daughter's psychiatric problems, a local newspaper reported on Tuesday."

Uh-huh. Some woman is boiling a human head, but it's her daughter who has issues. OK, then. I believe the appropriate response would be WTF?!?!

Human head soup? That should never be on the menu! I don't care what your "psychiatric problems" are! I don't care if you're Jack the Ripper, you don't go around making head soup! EVER!! I need more information. (And I just want to say that no amount of information is going to explain this to the point where I go, "Ooohhhhh. OK! Why didn't you just say so in the first place?' No, THAT won't happen.)

It would seem that a one lunaticcrazy person resident of Sichuan, a one Lin Zongxiu, had "...heard in 2008 that soup made with a man’s head could help cure her daughter who had suffered from psychiatric problems for years." That from the Chengdu Commercial, a newspaper in....Chengdu? Sichuan? China? Can I just go with China? Look, if they needed something involving a human head, couldn't they just have gone with some of that Head-On stuff? Seems pretty simple. It's basically Chap Stick that you rub on your forehead. What say you guys try that first before you go off with your noggin chowder, eh? What's that? Too late? Ooh. Unfortunate.

Wait a minute. You heard where that a soup made with the head of a human would cure the crazies of your daughter? Where did you hear that? One of your Cannibalism Anonymous meetings? The ol' C.A.? Did you read it? I can't imagine you did, as I'm unaware of a publication such as Hannibal Lecter Weekly or something of that nature. But hey, what say you go with some Prozac or something before you go with the human head remedy? Just humor us. Try it!

So, back in December, the adventurous chef Lin and her crazy-enough-to-stick-around husband managed to find a guy who basically acted as their hit man. Too bad it was like a hit man in a really low budget movie. Nothing fancy to this caper here. The guy saw a 76-year old drunk dude wandering by one day and just knocked him unconscious. I'm guessing it's unlikely that he regained consciousness "before (they) behead(ed) him". Just one more reason why you should always call a cab when you're drunk and needing to get home.

After that it was just a matter of doing all of the cooking. The Telegraph reports that "The couple then gave their 25-year-old daughter soup made from the man’s head, and duck." Right. "And duck". Of course. Head soup flavored with duck. Because, you know, without the duck, well, that would just be gross. And incredibly weird. ::: blink ::: ::: blink :::

What in the hell is wrong with people?
But here's where the entire thing just completely falls off the rails. The hit man guy was sentenced to death on Monday by a local court. The article reads that he was sentenced to death "with a two-year reprieve." What that means is "...that his sentence will likely be commuted to life in prison as long as he commits no further offences in the next two years." Commits no further offenses? Isn't he going to be in jail? How does that work? Oh, wait. Never mind. This is China. A country where at least two of its residents feed human head soup to their daughter who they deem to be unstable. Yeah, it's probably not a good idea spending a whole lot of time trying to make sense out of this one.

For some really odd reason, they don't even say what the sentence was for the mother who "...was convicted of helping to destroy evidence that included the culprit’s bloody clothes and shoes." I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that some of the other evidence that she helped to destroy was the guys headless body?! Just a guess.

They also don't tell us how the soup turned out! Did the daughter eat it? Was she cured of her "psychiatric ailments"? What does human head soup look like? I mean, is it a broth? A chowder? I'm assuming that you need a really big pot for something like that. A cauldron would probably me most appropriate. And they wouldn't actually be able to put the entire head IN someone's bowl because, well, that would be silly. You'd have to have a really big bowl. This also doesn't sound like a recipe that you can try out at dinner parties. Everyone would be fighting over who got the head in their really big bowl, it would just cause problems. It's more like a dinner for one. One solitary person. Locked in a room for the rest of whatever so that they may never escape. You, lunatic, you.

By the way, any day now I fully expect to hear a press release from PETA complaining about the duck in the soup. Wait for it. Then meet me at the walled off compound.

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