The De-Nogginizer

You didn't think that the 4th of July was going to come and go without at least ONE fireworks accident story, did you? That would be impossible. It was just that there were so many to choose from. Did I want to go over a guy that lost some fingers or someone who (inevitably) lost an eye? Sure, those both sound just great, but I was looking for something a little bit more than that. And then, in Fargo, North Dakota, I found what I was looking for.According to something called the Winnipeg Free Press, a one 41-year old Jesse William Burley was de-nogginized while celebrating the Fourth of July with fireworks. OK, I paraphrased there with the term "de-nogginized", but that's exactly what happened. The guy lost his melon.

According to a one Chris Hanson (no relation to the Chris Hansen guy on the television that catches all of the perverts), Mr. Burley was at the trailer park where the two neighbors resided (no shock that this has a trailer park setting) and he being Mr. Burley was "...getting ready to set off a second round of what Hanson said he believed was either a homemade or illegal artillery shell firework." Now, I don't know what an artillery shell firework is, but if it is what it sounds like (that being a firework made out of some sort of an artillery shell), I'm going to guess that it's probably dangerous as hell.

Judging from how the events turned out, that was the case either way. Hanson recalls, "He went over into the middle of the street, and within 10 seconds of us talking to him, he lit it and all we saw was a cloud of smoke, a bang." Presto! (By the way, this story is much better if you imagine the voices with some sort of a Fargo accent. Or Sarah Palin. They both work well here.) Do you see what's coming next? Of course you to. Hanson continued with, "When I walked up to his body, it was nothing but his shoulders down." Holy. Crap. Yeah, that's one way to put it. Well, we heard all the time when we were growing up that it's all fun and games until someone loses a skull, a head an eye! And technically, he did lose an eye. And another eye. Oh, and his skull.

That must have been something to see. Holy crap. I will say this about Mr. Hanson. He's definitely an optimistic fellow in this sort of situation. I mean, I'm a glass is half empty/head is missing sort of a person. He's a glass is half full/body is still there kind of a guy. He's not missing a head. He has a body! That what I love about those plucky North Dakotans. Always looking on the bright side. Always seeing the silver lining!

Now, Hanson said that earlier that fateful evening, Burley had shown him "...fireworks that contained a warning that read, "If found please report to the U.S. government." OK, first of all, what the hell kind of fireworks have that label? Second of all, what PART of the U.S. government deals with this sort of thing? Where exactly does one call when one's neighbor has been decapitated by said firework? And is that really the most appropriate label to have one those? How about "If found, you could lose your entire dome if you light one of these, you idiot."

More words of wisdom from Mr. Hanson include gems such as "The accident should be used as an example of how dangerous fireworks can be" and "I’m never going to light a firecracker off again in my life." Right. Listen. The guy was lighting an artillery shell. What in the world did you think was going to happen? Do you really need to swear of ALL fireworks because some doofus lit something that was likely supposed to go off in the air in his hands and de-domed himself? Really? I understand that he still might be in a little bit of shock from having witnessed the event, but come on now. I don't think one of those little angry ground flowers is going to have the same effect should it go even a little bit awry. But if I have to explain this to you, then you're probably right. You probably should never light off a firework again in your life.

Here's my favorite part of this tragedy: "Burley’s body was sent to Bismarck for an autopsy." Um, OK? Do you really need an autopsy? They can't noodle this through on their own? "What do we think happened here? Heart disease? Hard to say. Could be cancer." What goes on at that sort of an autopsy anyway? "Well, he lit off the firework and it hit him in the head and now his head isn't there any more. Soooo....let's cut him open and weigh his pancreas and see if we can figure out what got him!" Why do you need an autopsy?! He's been de-headified! Case closed!

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You'll Never Forget A Face

Look, dealing with the death of a loved one is hard enough, OK? It's just that death is so...so...final. And trying to come to grips with the fact that you'll never look that person in the face again is a really hard concept to deal with and accept. But fret not! Your problem (that you didn't know you even had) has been solved! That's right! Forget about "never" looking the dearly departed in the face again! Instead, have their ashes interred inside of a personal urn! Behold!

Good Lord, what the hell is that?! THAT is a personal urn, made possible by the folks over there at

Cremation Solutions (Tomorrows Traditions). (They also claim to be "Your complete Source for Scattering Urns and Accessories". And if you're like me, I know you're thinking, "Finally! A scattering source for ME!" Just be thankful it's complete, unlike all of those other incomplete ones that are popping up like weeds everywhere.)

According to the website "Cremation Solutions strives to support the people who choose cremation." And apparently the "support" that those folks need is an urn that looks like a human head. Go figure.


It's explained like this:

"Never forget a face." (Well I should say not! It'd be kind of difficult with the HEAD sitting there on the mantle, just staring at you throughout Wheel of Fortune!)

"Personal urns are a new and exciting way to memorialize your loved one." (New? Oh, hell yes! Exciting? Define "exciting". Watching people scream in horror and run out of the room upon seeing what appears to be the severed head of the dearly departed? Well, that COULD be "exciting", this is true. But I'm not so sure that's exactly the word I'm looking for here. Perhaps "different" or "conversation starter" would be more appropriate. "Friend disappear-er" might be another.)



"Now we can create a custom urn in the image of your loved one or favorite celebrity or hero." (The "favorite celebrity or hero" part disturbs me. Why would someone want to do that? Your fat uncle Alfred dies and so you put him in Marilyn Monroe's head? That doesn't seem right. It kind of feels like you're sticking it to uncle Alfred. Even if he really, really liked Marilyn Monroe, I don't think that putting his remains inside of a replica of her head is showing a lot of reverence for the dead. It's definitely not showing a lot of reverence for Marilyn Monroe. But what about the "hero" part? Like....super? They can make me a Batman head? With the pointy ears? AND the mask? Or are they just talking "hero" like Sully Sullenberger (with or without pointy ears and mask)? Maybe Greatest American Hero? I really have no idea, but I find it odd that anyone would want any of this at all, let alone a head that doesn't look like the one that the loved one was accustomed to using.)

"This is the most heart warming and special memorial product available anywhere" (Again, I believe the word they are looking for is "different". I can't attest to the "heart warming" part of the claim either. Heart palpitating, perhaps. Heart stopping? In some cases, who knows?)

"Available in Two Sizes" (Regular and melon? Oh, but I kid! There's the regular "head-sized" head and then there's the "keepsake-sized" head. I'm picturing the keepsake-sized one to be something bigger than a Pez dispenser and smaller than a Mr. Potato Head (which, incidentally, this is reminding me a LOT of!).

Now, if you're looking at that and you're thinking, "But my loved one wasn't bald!", fret not! That's because "Personal urns come with a bare scalp ready for a suitable wig, which we can provide." They don't say if they can provide a wig that will resemble the hair of the deceased individual or if they'll have a few different ones to choose from, a la Phil Spector, or if they're just giving everyone the same hairpiece. I'm hoping that it's a bit more custom than a "one size fits all" approach. That could stall sales.

The hair part is a bit confusing (as if the rest of this is very straightforward!) as in an article over at The Metro it states that "No hair or wig is provided, but the US-based firm offer to "digitally add hair if you wish". What does that mean exactly? Add the hair "digitally"? How are they going to do that? Laser it on? Print out a picture of some hair and tape it on the head? That doesn't make sense.

"A plaque and nameplate are also available." All right, I'm picturing one of those "Hello My Name Is" tags! I can't help it! It's because of the head!

I suppose that if this is the sort of thing that you really want, then have it. My thought on the whole death thing is that y'all grieve however you want to. Doesn't matter how odd or crazy or strange it may seem, if that's what helps, so freaking be it. But I'll tell you this: It seems just a little bit closer to the next seemingly inevitable step. That's right. Human taxidermy. Ew. No one wants that. Do they?

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Will You Have Cream Cheese With Your Forehead?

There's a reason for my metaphoric walled off compound. It keeps the idiots away. Granted, it also tends to make it difficult to weed out the sane folks (because my theory is "assume they're all crazy right from the start and let them prove you wrong later"), but the truly sane will eventually rise to the level of my putting down the drawbridge that enables them to cross the moat. I realize it might sound a bit extreme and all, but my rationale is completely reasonable: People are morons. And they're getting more moronic by the minute. At least once a day I think "What in the hell is wrong with you people?" about something. Usually Congress, but regular (or not so much) folk as well.

I uttered those very words today when I read about a new fad that's HUGE in Japan right now. Brace yourselves (and pray that it doesn't start showing up here) for the invasion of the Bagelheads. Behold!

Oh, what the hell is that? That would be the latest 'craze' over yonder in Japan. Please note that the word "crazy" is derived from the word "craze". Or maybe it's the other way around. Whichever it is, it means the same thing if you're participating in all of the Bagelheading. It means you're nuts.

This little craze is explained over at Bizarre Magazine, and I cannot think of a more appropriate outlet to cover this story. The technique is called "body inflation". Now, I thought that was something that just happened to folks during the holidays, but sadly, in Japan, it is not. "Body inflation" involves injecting saline underneath the skin until it swells into a large protrusion that resembles a bagel. Somehow, by pressing on the "inflation" you can manage to form an indentation that will stay there. (Why it doesn't just inflate right out again is beyond me. And really, this whole thing was so completely disgusting to me that I had difficulty reading about it so I could figure out what the hell was going on. Needless to say that I won't be embarking on any long and extended fact finding missions anytime soon.) And after it's properly indented then you will have achieved your desired look - that of someone with a bagel growing inside of them. Behold!

Why a bagel? Why not toast or a muffin? Just wondering. It wouldn't matter if it were to look like a piece of toast or a muffin because just looking at that makes me want to chunder. That's absolutely disgusting. Oh, but it doesn't stop there! No, it gets worse! Behold! Worse!

Seriously, this is not the doing of a completely sane individual. You have to have a touch of mental illness of some sort to do something like that. And while not all mental illness is horrifyingly bad, I certainly can't say that this is good. Look at it! Behold!

Ugh. According to a one Ryoichi ‘Keroppy’ Maeda who has been covering the "body modification scene" since 1992, the reasons that people have for doing this are because "...saline infusion is a gradual process and you become a freak progressively. That’s the joy of it. You can enjoy watching it by having a few drinks and gradually seeing a transformation, but if you’re looking all the time, you can’t see the difference. If you meander off and come back, it’s a real surprise.” Yeah, it's going to take more than "a few drinks" for me to do something like that. And as far as the "real surprise", YES! I would imagine it WOULD be a bit of a "surprise" to see a bagel growing out of one's FOREHEAD, when just a few hours ago NO bagels were there! He insists that "It’s not dangerous, though. It’s just water – there are no scars. It’s a dull pain and sometimes you might get a headache, but it doesn’t last forever." Dull pain. Headache. Sounds like great fun! Usually I wait until the next day when my hangover sets in before I go for the dull pain and a headache, but not these folks. AND they're paying for it!

But even though it isn't dangerous "...some people who’ve done it regularly have found their skin has permanently expanded." You think?!?! Shocking. Blowing up your body parts to have it appear as if the Keebler elves have abandoned their hollow tree and have taken up residence in your noggin and began cranking out their snacks when something got stuck somewhere and you ended up looking like a freak of nature. Behold!

It's just not normal. I don't care how not "dangerous" it is. But people continue to do them because, according to BMEzine.com founder Shannon Larratt "It’s a play activity, and not a permanent body modification – though doing it regularly on your testicles can permanently stretch the scrotum."

::: blink ::: ::: blink :::

I'm not even going to ASK how he knows that. I'm just going to let it go. Lettin' it go!

Back to the safety issues, he added, "It’s safe if the person follows basic sterility control and cleanliness issues – but if they don’t, it can be dangerous. An infection trapped inside the scrotum can be life-threatening." I SAID LETTING GO!! I'm trying to let go, but once again, there's the scrotum popping up and making a mess out of everything. (Damn scrotum. I don't know how you guys walk around with those things down there.) But I would imagine that ANYTHING that is "trapped" inside of a "scrotum" would pose a challenge. Look, the male reproductive organ isn't exactly aesthetically pleasing or anything, so I can only imagine it looks like something straight out of an alien horror movie if it has testicles that look like bagels. (Yeah, that'll get you laid, fellas. You betcha.)

As if this wasn't bizarre enough, you can customize your head bagel! There are colors! Thank GOD I don't have any pictures of the colored Bagelheads. Mr. Larratt there says that "An interesting variation is using food colouring in the saline, which discolours the inflated tissue." Lovely. Discolored tissue. Yes, it's all coming back to me now. Didn't gangrene discolor the tissue as well? Funny though, I don't remember it being so much of a "craze", really.


You know what Japan is? They're the Florida of Earth. After all, they're the same folks who gave us Hello Kitty. And now? This. The Bagelheads. I think I've made myself clear.

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Head On, Head Off

So many things popped into my head after reading the following over there from our friends at The Telegraph:

"A Chinese woman boiled a man's head in a soup because she believed it would cure her daughter's psychiatric problems, a local newspaper reported on Tuesday."

Uh-huh. Some woman is boiling a human head, but it's her daughter who has issues. OK, then. I believe the appropriate response would be WTF?!?!

Human head soup? That should never be on the menu! I don't care what your "psychiatric problems" are! I don't care if you're Jack the Ripper, you don't go around making head soup! EVER!! I need more information. (And I just want to say that no amount of information is going to explain this to the point where I go, "Ooohhhhh. OK! Why didn't you just say so in the first place?' No, THAT won't happen.)

It would seem that a one lunaticcrazy person resident of Sichuan, a one Lin Zongxiu, had "...heard in 2008 that soup made with a man’s head could help cure her daughter who had suffered from psychiatric problems for years." That from the Chengdu Commercial, a newspaper in....Chengdu? Sichuan? China? Can I just go with China? Look, if they needed something involving a human head, couldn't they just have gone with some of that Head-On stuff? Seems pretty simple. It's basically Chap Stick that you rub on your forehead. What say you guys try that first before you go off with your noggin chowder, eh? What's that? Too late? Ooh. Unfortunate.

Wait a minute. You heard where that a soup made with the head of a human would cure the crazies of your daughter? Where did you hear that? One of your Cannibalism Anonymous meetings? The ol' C.A.? Did you read it? I can't imagine you did, as I'm unaware of a publication such as Hannibal Lecter Weekly or something of that nature. But hey, what say you go with some Prozac or something before you go with the human head remedy? Just humor us. Try it!

So, back in December, the adventurous chef Lin and her crazy-enough-to-stick-around husband managed to find a guy who basically acted as their hit man. Too bad it was like a hit man in a really low budget movie. Nothing fancy to this caper here. The guy saw a 76-year old drunk dude wandering by one day and just knocked him unconscious. I'm guessing it's unlikely that he regained consciousness "before (they) behead(ed) him". Just one more reason why you should always call a cab when you're drunk and needing to get home.

After that it was just a matter of doing all of the cooking. The Telegraph reports that "The couple then gave their 25-year-old daughter soup made from the man’s head, and duck." Right. "And duck". Of course. Head soup flavored with duck. Because, you know, without the duck, well, that would just be gross. And incredibly weird. ::: blink ::: ::: blink :::

What in the hell is wrong with people?

But here's where the entire thing just completely falls off the rails. The hit man guy was sentenced to death on Monday by a local court. The article reads that he was sentenced to death "with a two-year reprieve." What that means is "...that his sentence will likely be commuted to life in prison as long as he commits no further offences in the next two years." Commits no further offenses? Isn't he going to be in jail? How does that work? Oh, wait. Never mind. This is China. A country where at least two of its residents feed human head soup to their daughter who they deem to be unstable. Yeah, it's probably not a good idea spending a whole lot of time trying to make sense out of this one.

For some really odd reason, they don't even say what the sentence was for the mother who "...was convicted of helping to destroy evidence that included the culprit’s bloody clothes and shoes." I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that some of the other evidence that she helped to destroy was the guys headless body?! Just a guess.

They also don't tell us how the soup turned out! Did the daughter eat it? Was she cured of her "psychiatric ailments"? What does human head soup look like? I mean, is it a broth? A chowder? I'm assuming that you need a really big pot for something like that. A cauldron would probably me most appropriate. And they wouldn't actually be able to put the entire head IN someone's bowl because, well, that would be silly. You'd have to have a really big bowl. This also doesn't sound like a recipe that you can try out at dinner parties. Everyone would be fighting over who got the head in their really big bowl, it would just cause problems. It's more like a dinner for one. One solitary person. Locked in a room for the rest of whatever so that they may never escape. You, lunatic, you.

By the way, any day now I fully expect to hear a press release from PETA complaining about the duck in the soup. Wait for it. Then meet me at the walled off compound.

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