Funding Burials Through eBay

In case you haven't heard, Corey Haim is dead. In case you were like me and already thought that he was dead, he wasn't. He is now, but it's new dead, not old dead. But dead is dead. And drug addicts are drug addicts. A lot of them end up in that dead is dead category. What are you going to do? (Uhhh....stop doing drugs? Now there's an idea!)

Apparently, Mr. Haim's situation was that, because he was a difficult drug addict to work with (hard to do good work when you're not there, so I've heard) he didn't have a lot of offers pouring in. And without offers, you're without work. And when you're without work, you're without money. Now, when you die, as crazy as this may seem, folks want you to pay money to them in order to bury you. That's hard to do when you don't have any money. And it's really hard to do when you're dead. That's why the whole 'paying for your funeral thing' is left up to those who didn't ruin their lives by ingesting so many drugs that it eventually and likely played a part in their demise in a downtown LA apartment building when they were 38. (By the way, a bit of useless trivia for you: Singer and woman kidnapper Rick James died in the same apartment building whenever it was that he met his predictable demise.)

Turns out, however, that Corey Haim's mother didn't have any money either. She has apparently been battling cancer. Cancer makes it hard to work. I don't have a problem with that. (Nice job, Corey. Couldn't curtail your drug usage to the point where you wouldn't have croaked and where your cancer riddled mother wouldn't have had to deal with the death of her son. Man, Corey Feldman was right. You were just a stand up guy.) What I have a problem with is how she was raising money for her son's funeral. I mean, maybe there's something that is not weird about selling your son's belongings on eBay for funeral change, but I don't know what that something would be.

That's right. She was selling his belongings on eBay. According to the folks over there at Associated Content (they're "The people's media company" doncha know?) "...most of Haim's personal belongings are being sold on eBay in order to raise money for the funeral." Now, I don't know if I was just late to the party or what, but I while there were plenty of Corey Haim items for sale on eBay (mostly autographed photos and the odd, odd memorial T-shirts that you can whip up 45 seconds after someone dies), I didn't find a lot that were his personal belongings. I did find this lovely dress shirt which sold for $99. Behold!

And I also found this Corey Haim toothbrush with a certificate of authenticity! So that's something! Behold!

Huh. The toothbrush, to my surprise, actually has one bid in on it and the bid is for $250! Who buys Corey Haim's toothbrush for $250? What are you going to do with that? See, I get buying memorabilia, but I prefer it to be relevant to the person that owned it. I mean, I would totally buy Elvis Presley's empty prescription drug bottles. Now THAT is memorabilia. I wouldn't go as seedy as to buy Bill Clinton's cigar box or anything like that. But I'd buy Whitney Houston's crack pipe. That'd be somethin'! David Carradine's belt? Sold! What can I say? I like a good conversation piece.

Side note: The personal items like the shirt are being auctioned off by a one Scott Schwartz. Apparently, the family gave the items to him to put on eBay, so it's not like he's doing it just to make money off of Corey Haim's boxer shorts or anything like that. He was a friend of Corey's. And if the name doesn't ring a bell, perhaps when I mention that he was the kid in the movie A Christmas Story who got his tongue frozen stuck on the flagpole. There's a claim to fame for you! You're known as "Tongue on the Flagpole" guy AND the merchant auctioning off Corey's Haim's dress pants on eBay. That's a job title if I've ever heard of one.

I have two points with all of this. The first point goes back to the absolutely reprehensible Corey Feldman. Dude, if you knew that your friend died broke, what say you kick in a bit and make it so that it doesn't go public, all right? If he was "your friend" and you want him to be remembered as "a legend" (he wasn't a legend, by the way, so that was never going to happen, I was just saying), what say you see if you can scrounge up some cash for his funeral and his burial? What say you ask the addle brained Larry King (whose show you're always on when one of your past cohorts kicks it)? Why don't you ask him to pony up some cash for this guy's funeral? Why don't you do anything besides shoving your face behind every microphone out there and saying how much you loved him, while at the same time, someone is auctioning his tube socks on eBay? What is wrong with you?

And my second point is more of just a point of contention. I understand that caskets and burials are expensive. I know that very well. But you know, there is an option. There is cremation. And it's a heck of a lot cheaper. Don't get me wrong. If you are planning on just burying someone in a casket and then you find out you're going to be going to cremation route, it's a bit tough to swallow at first. I don't know why. They're just as dead either way. What I'm saying is that it's not like there aren't any options if you don't have the cash for a casket. When my Dad died, I had no idea he wanted to be cremated. And learning of that desire was not exactly the easiest thing I've ever had to swallow. But the cremation by the Neptune Society was about a thousand dollars (and I'm in the heart of ridiculously expensive Silicon Valley, so don't be giving me any crap about my location or anything like that). We put him in a beautiful cherry wood container with a coastal scene engraved on it along with his name and everything for another three hundred bucks. (There was no way I was going with the stock, flimsy, fake brass container for $35!) We bought a plot for cremains (yes, that's what they're called and it oogs me out, too) in an awesome little cemetery in a tiny coastal town with massive pine trees everywhere and a view of a small ravine for $750. AND you're allowed to stack FOUR cremains in that thing! So technically, his portion of the plot was only $187.50! My Dad loved a good deal. I'm sure he was happy with it all.

So there are options. For a little over two grand, my Dad got the best burial I could have wanted for him. But beforehand, I wouldn't have known that I would have wanted that. In the end, it's all the same. He's exactly where he would have been no matter how we did it. And now he's where he is at a fraction of the cost of a full on casketed burial. I guess I'm just a little irritated that Corey Haim being penniless at death means that there needs to be thousands and thousands (the family is estimating twenty grand, by the way) of dollars raised for his burial. That's not what needs to happen. People need to stop acting like it does.

I just got done looking at a bunch of photos on Corey Haim's website. (Yes! He had a website!) Most of them were of him looking gaunt and strung out. You know, like a drug addict. But there were a bunch of them from when he was younger and before the drugs either had grabbed hold of him or before they had taken their toll. And I realize that the guy in those photos is the son that his mother lost. I'm sarcastic, I'm not heartless. My sincere condolences go out to his mom. Outliving your child does not sound like anything that anyone should have to go through. If you have a problem with whatever substance you choose, do everyone a favor and get off your drugs, try thinking about someone other than yourself for a change and edge yourself closer to making sure that you don't put your parents in the position that Corey Haim put his parents.

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You'll Never Forget A Face

Look, dealing with the death of a loved one is hard enough, OK? It's just that death is so...so...final. And trying to come to grips with the fact that you'll never look that person in the face again is a really hard concept to deal with and accept. But fret not! Your problem (that you didn't know you even had) has been solved! That's right! Forget about "never" looking the dearly departed in the face again! Instead, have their ashes interred inside of a personal urn! Behold!

Good Lord, what the hell is that?! THAT is a personal urn, made possible by the folks over there at

Cremation Solutions (Tomorrows Traditions). (They also claim to be "Your complete Source for Scattering Urns and Accessories". And if you're like me, I know you're thinking, "Finally! A scattering source for ME!" Just be thankful it's complete, unlike all of those other incomplete ones that are popping up like weeds everywhere.)

According to the website "Cremation Solutions strives to support the people who choose cremation." And apparently the "support" that those folks need is an urn that looks like a human head. Go figure.


It's explained like this:

"Never forget a face." (Well I should say not! It'd be kind of difficult with the HEAD sitting there on the mantle, just staring at you throughout Wheel of Fortune!)

"Personal urns are a new and exciting way to memorialize your loved one." (New? Oh, hell yes! Exciting? Define "exciting". Watching people scream in horror and run out of the room upon seeing what appears to be the severed head of the dearly departed? Well, that COULD be "exciting", this is true. But I'm not so sure that's exactly the word I'm looking for here. Perhaps "different" or "conversation starter" would be more appropriate. "Friend disappear-er" might be another.)



"Now we can create a custom urn in the image of your loved one or favorite celebrity or hero." (The "favorite celebrity or hero" part disturbs me. Why would someone want to do that? Your fat uncle Alfred dies and so you put him in Marilyn Monroe's head? That doesn't seem right. It kind of feels like you're sticking it to uncle Alfred. Even if he really, really liked Marilyn Monroe, I don't think that putting his remains inside of a replica of her head is showing a lot of reverence for the dead. It's definitely not showing a lot of reverence for Marilyn Monroe. But what about the "hero" part? Like....super? They can make me a Batman head? With the pointy ears? AND the mask? Or are they just talking "hero" like Sully Sullenberger (with or without pointy ears and mask)? Maybe Greatest American Hero? I really have no idea, but I find it odd that anyone would want any of this at all, let alone a head that doesn't look like the one that the loved one was accustomed to using.)

"This is the most heart warming and special memorial product available anywhere" (Again, I believe the word they are looking for is "different". I can't attest to the "heart warming" part of the claim either. Heart palpitating, perhaps. Heart stopping? In some cases, who knows?)

"Available in Two Sizes" (Regular and melon? Oh, but I kid! There's the regular "head-sized" head and then there's the "keepsake-sized" head. I'm picturing the keepsake-sized one to be something bigger than a Pez dispenser and smaller than a Mr. Potato Head (which, incidentally, this is reminding me a LOT of!).

Now, if you're looking at that and you're thinking, "But my loved one wasn't bald!", fret not! That's because "Personal urns come with a bare scalp ready for a suitable wig, which we can provide." They don't say if they can provide a wig that will resemble the hair of the deceased individual or if they'll have a few different ones to choose from, a la Phil Spector, or if they're just giving everyone the same hairpiece. I'm hoping that it's a bit more custom than a "one size fits all" approach. That could stall sales.

The hair part is a bit confusing (as if the rest of this is very straightforward!) as in an article over at The Metro it states that "No hair or wig is provided, but the US-based firm offer to "digitally add hair if you wish". What does that mean exactly? Add the hair "digitally"? How are they going to do that? Laser it on? Print out a picture of some hair and tape it on the head? That doesn't make sense.

"A plaque and nameplate are also available." All right, I'm picturing one of those "Hello My Name Is" tags! I can't help it! It's because of the head!

I suppose that if this is the sort of thing that you really want, then have it. My thought on the whole death thing is that y'all grieve however you want to. Doesn't matter how odd or crazy or strange it may seem, if that's what helps, so freaking be it. But I'll tell you this: It seems just a little bit closer to the next seemingly inevitable step. That's right. Human taxidermy. Ew. No one wants that. Do they?

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