Schmear Tactics

Oh, the misrepresented story masquerading as news is back again. This time, it's in the form of a crazy woman (who sounds like a completely pain in the ass) at Starbucks. Well, she was at Starbucks. That is, until she started screaming like a banshee because she wouldn't "order correctly". Whatever.

According to the pithy folks over there at the NY Post, a one self-proclaimed stickler for correct English, Lynne Rosenthal, went to a Manhattan Starbucks the other day and ordered herself a plain, toasted, multigrain bagel. She kind of flipped out a little bit when the employee (called a 'barista' by Starbucks because they have invented their own language over there) asked her a question. I'm sure you're wondering what sort of question could be so offensive that it would cause someone to flip their lid. You'd better be sitting down. That's right. Are you sitting? OK, good. Because I'd hate to have you standing up when you learn that the barista asked her, "Do you want butter or cheese?" Wait. What?

Look, I understand her annoyance with this sort of thing. If you say you want something plain, you want something plain. I get that. (I actually had an experience once of ordering a 'plain cheeseburger' at a fast food drive thru. I received a piece of meat between the bun. NO cheese. When I mentioned that they forgot my cheese, they said that I ordered it that way because I said 'plain'. I tried to point out that it was a cheeseburger, but I was greeted with that doe in the headlights look that seems to afflict most fast food workers.) If she wanted butter or cheese, I'm sure she would have said that she wanted butter or cheese. But she said plain. Plain, as the word itself indicates, means just that. Plain. Alone. Without anything else. But at Starbucks, that sort of logic is kind of lost. That's why they asked her if she wanted butter or cheese.

Her explanation for her dislike of this question went something like this: " I just wanted a multigrain bagel...I refused to say 'without butter or cheese.' When you go to Burger King, you don't have to list the six things you don't want. Linguistically, it's stupid, and I'm a stickler for correct English." Translation: I felt like being a pain in the ass that day.

And that's not the only day that she felt like being a pain in the ass. She admitted that she doesn't use vernacular such as"tall" or a "venti". "Instead, she insists on making a pest of herself by ordering a "small" or "large" cup of joe." OK, so she's on a completely pointless, one-woman mission. How's that working out for you over there, cupcake?

But what annoyed me about this whole story was how it was presented. The folks over at something called DNAinfo went with the headline "English Prof Claims Starbucks Booted Her For Ordering 'Incorrectly'." Yeah, that's not what happened at all. After she refused to answer that she did not want butter OR cheese on her PLAIN multigrain bagel (duh), the moronic barista couldn't get it through her head that PLAIN meant no, she did not want butter and/or cheese. Therefore, the barista wouldn't/couldn't fill her order. That's when Ms. Rosenthal began yelling. That's right. Yelling. Yelling, "I want my multigrain bagel!"

It may or may not surprise you that right about then is when the manager called the cops. One of the employees added a little bit more to the equation when she said that the woman refused to answer AND "She called [the barista] an a- -hole." Oh, there it is. Nice.

But of course, Ms. Rosenthal complained that "It was very humiliating to be thrown out, and all I did was ask for a bagel." You twit. All you did was NOT ask for a bagel. What you did was make an ass out of yourself by yelling like a Neanderthal and calling people a-holes. That's not just asking for a bagel.

The NY Post reports that Ms. Rosenthal claims to have a Ph.D. from Columbia and is an English professor. Of course, we're just supposed to take this crazy woman's word for that, as there was no follow-up by any media agency "reporting" on this incident. You can tell the media anything and it's highly unlikely that they're going to try to find out if it's true. All they want to know about is what kind of a freaking bagel she ordered. They managed to get that in the story several times. Whatever.

I have several problems with this woman. One, if she hates Starbucks and the way that they do things so freaking much, why does she continue to go there? Because she's one of those people who likes to be a pain in the ass under the guise of "making a point". And two, she's in freaking New York and she goes to Starbucks for a bagel?! Is she insane?! Of all of the authentic places in New York that you can get a bagel, she chooses Starbucks? Obviously, I was right. She's cuckoo.

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Will You Have Cream Cheese With Your Forehead?

There's a reason for my metaphoric walled off compound. It keeps the idiots away. Granted, it also tends to make it difficult to weed out the sane folks (because my theory is "assume they're all crazy right from the start and let them prove you wrong later"), but the truly sane will eventually rise to the level of my putting down the drawbridge that enables them to cross the moat. I realize it might sound a bit extreme and all, but my rationale is completely reasonable: People are morons. And they're getting more moronic by the minute. At least once a day I think "What in the hell is wrong with you people?" about something. Usually Congress, but regular (or not so much) folk as well.

I uttered those very words today when I read about a new fad that's HUGE in Japan right now. Brace yourselves (and pray that it doesn't start showing up here) for the invasion of the Bagelheads. Behold!

Oh, what the hell is that? That would be the latest 'craze' over yonder in Japan. Please note that the word "crazy" is derived from the word "craze". Or maybe it's the other way around. Whichever it is, it means the same thing if you're participating in all of the Bagelheading. It means you're nuts.

This little craze is explained over at Bizarre Magazine, and I cannot think of a more appropriate outlet to cover this story. The technique is called "body inflation". Now, I thought that was something that just happened to folks during the holidays, but sadly, in Japan, it is not. "Body inflation" involves injecting saline underneath the skin until it swells into a large protrusion that resembles a bagel. Somehow, by pressing on the "inflation" you can manage to form an indentation that will stay there. (Why it doesn't just inflate right out again is beyond me. And really, this whole thing was so completely disgusting to me that I had difficulty reading about it so I could figure out what the hell was going on. Needless to say that I won't be embarking on any long and extended fact finding missions anytime soon.) And after it's properly indented then you will have achieved your desired look - that of someone with a bagel growing inside of them. Behold!

Why a bagel? Why not toast or a muffin? Just wondering. It wouldn't matter if it were to look like a piece of toast or a muffin because just looking at that makes me want to chunder. That's absolutely disgusting. Oh, but it doesn't stop there! No, it gets worse! Behold! Worse!

Seriously, this is not the doing of a completely sane individual. You have to have a touch of mental illness of some sort to do something like that. And while not all mental illness is horrifyingly bad, I certainly can't say that this is good. Look at it! Behold!

Ugh. According to a one Ryoichi ‘Keroppy’ Maeda who has been covering the "body modification scene" since 1992, the reasons that people have for doing this are because "...saline infusion is a gradual process and you become a freak progressively. That’s the joy of it. You can enjoy watching it by having a few drinks and gradually seeing a transformation, but if you’re looking all the time, you can’t see the difference. If you meander off and come back, it’s a real surprise.” Yeah, it's going to take more than "a few drinks" for me to do something like that. And as far as the "real surprise", YES! I would imagine it WOULD be a bit of a "surprise" to see a bagel growing out of one's FOREHEAD, when just a few hours ago NO bagels were there! He insists that "It’s not dangerous, though. It’s just water – there are no scars. It’s a dull pain and sometimes you might get a headache, but it doesn’t last forever." Dull pain. Headache. Sounds like great fun! Usually I wait until the next day when my hangover sets in before I go for the dull pain and a headache, but not these folks. AND they're paying for it!

But even though it isn't dangerous "...some people who’ve done it regularly have found their skin has permanently expanded." You think?!?! Shocking. Blowing up your body parts to have it appear as if the Keebler elves have abandoned their hollow tree and have taken up residence in your noggin and began cranking out their snacks when something got stuck somewhere and you ended up looking like a freak of nature. Behold!

It's just not normal. I don't care how not "dangerous" it is. But people continue to do them because, according to BMEzine.com founder Shannon Larratt "It’s a play activity, and not a permanent body modification – though doing it regularly on your testicles can permanently stretch the scrotum."

::: blink ::: ::: blink :::

I'm not even going to ASK how he knows that. I'm just going to let it go. Lettin' it go!

Back to the safety issues, he added, "It’s safe if the person follows basic sterility control and cleanliness issues – but if they don’t, it can be dangerous. An infection trapped inside the scrotum can be life-threatening." I SAID LETTING GO!! I'm trying to let go, but once again, there's the scrotum popping up and making a mess out of everything. (Damn scrotum. I don't know how you guys walk around with those things down there.) But I would imagine that ANYTHING that is "trapped" inside of a "scrotum" would pose a challenge. Look, the male reproductive organ isn't exactly aesthetically pleasing or anything, so I can only imagine it looks like something straight out of an alien horror movie if it has testicles that look like bagels. (Yeah, that'll get you laid, fellas. You betcha.)

As if this wasn't bizarre enough, you can customize your head bagel! There are colors! Thank GOD I don't have any pictures of the colored Bagelheads. Mr. Larratt there says that "An interesting variation is using food colouring in the saline, which discolours the inflated tissue." Lovely. Discolored tissue. Yes, it's all coming back to me now. Didn't gangrene discolor the tissue as well? Funny though, I don't remember it being so much of a "craze", really.


You know what Japan is? They're the Florida of Earth. After all, they're the same folks who gave us Hello Kitty. And now? This. The Bagelheads. I think I've made myself clear.

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