Saturday, June 6, 2009

Montauk Monster - Part Deux

I'm confused.

Granted, not the most profound statement you'll hear all day, but it does have merit. After all, I AM confused.

About a year ago (sadly, it has not been longer) I did a post about one named Montauk Monster. Montauk, being where Phoebe's Mom lives and also being where the aptly named Montauk Monster 'washed ashore' or 'was found' or 'was planted'. Your choice. Now, I was under the impression (at the time) that most folks were like me and could spot a see-how-much-publicity-we-can-milk-this-for-stunt a mile away. Apparently, either a) most folks were not like me and/or b) they did not see this as a 'stunt', but rather as an unnamed, unknown creature that had suddenly come to the forefront of that which is unexplained and now needed 'splaining.

That's why I was rather surprised to read today over yonder there at
Fox News the headline "'Montauk Monster Mystery May Have Been Solved'. Solved? Solved? There's something to solve? Look, whatever the creature is/was I can guarantee you this, it's not some sort of paranormal activity. It's not a unnatural being. Whatever it is/was, is/was perpetrated by humans. End of story. OH, wait. Enter Fox News. NOT end of story. Crap.

Fox leads with "Some speculated it was an escaped mutant from a government lab. Others thought it was an alien. A few suggested it might be a dog or raccoon." For the record, 'some', 'others' and 'a few' are morons if that's what they actually thought. Fox then continues on with the article as if life has just been discovered on Mars by explaining that some guy has come forward and told a blogger (good Lord...) that he and his buddies were responsible for the Montauk Monster. Shocking, I know!

Alleged, self-proclaimed, fake-monster, creator guy told of how he found a "...dead raccoon in the sand on nearby Shelter Island." Since he and his buddies were on vacation, they did the natural thing for guys on vacation to do which is "...put the animal on an inflatable child's swim duck...with a lot of other debris...(and then)set it on fire and pushed it out to sea." Naturally.

This account was recounted over yonder at the blog
ASSME. ASSME standing for, of course, "The American Society of Shitcanned Media Elites." What? You were expecting "Aye, Saw Some Monsters Everywhere"? Not so much.

The account over at ASSME (which is a sentence that I never thought I'd write) expounds a bit on the Fox News account with a bit more detail, such as "It was the weekend before July 4th, and the trio were making a raft and putting all sorts of debris on it, just for fun: watermelons, scraps of cloth, plastic swimmie duck, etc." Just for fun? My idea of fun is a lot different than that of those who look for scraps of cloth on a raft as 'fun'. I'm just sayin', is all. I'm juuuuusstt sayin'. Somewhere along the line, 'setting the thing on fire' was added to the very short list of entertainment favors. But it is insisted that “this creature was honored with a viking funeral, not merely exploited for crass entertainment." Oh, well, thank GOD that was the case! I was beginning to get a bit concerned. Whew! No need for alarm! Nothing to see here people! No crass entertainment exploitation being had! Back to your bunkers!

It was also revealed that this wasn't the first activity of the vacation that these lads had embarked upon. No, there were some prior adventures including "...a waterboarding endurance competition, and....a clothespins-on-your-genitals challenge.” Translation: They were drunk.

Look, it doesn't look like much of a raccoon to me and it certainly doesn't look like much of a raccoon carcass that had been set aflame. It's rather smooth. Like a seal. Only not. You know what else it doesn't look like? A monster, that is correct! Whatever it is, it was created by people. The whole illusion of the mystery of the unknown creature was completely and utterly created by humans. Was it created by the drunken fellows on vacation with their flaming duck flotation devices and watermelons afire? I don't know. (But flaming duck flotation devices and watermelons afire sound remarkably similar to my 35th birthday party. From what I remember.) But kudos to those boys (or boy) for bearing his soul to a blogger and getting their drunken deeds of fun out in the open.

Nice job, Fox News. Nice job keeping non-news in the news for years to come. I look forward to 2010 when you report that it was really the blogger himself who was responsible for the non-existent mayhem. Yeah, thanks for that.


By the way, all photos showing the duck floatie were shamelessly lifted with neither permission nor malice from ASSME. Just so you know.

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