Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Crunchberries Aren't WHAT?!

Brace yourself. Are you sitting down? I hope so. I don't know if you'd be able to take this one standing up. If you're not sitting down and you continue reading, you've been warned.

Crunch Berries are not real berries. Dun-dun-DUNNNNNNNNN!!!

I know!! Can you imagine my surprise when I read that? Oh, that's right. I wasn't surprised. That's because a) I'm not four and b) I'm not an imbecile! Now while a one Janine Sugawara is not four either, she is, quite possibly, an imbecile.

That is because Ms. Sugawara sued, yes sued, sued the folks who make Cap'n Crunch's Crunch Berries cereal when she learned that the 'berries' in Crunch Berries were not berries at all! They were just delicious little colored balls of corn and oat cereal! The nerve of those people calling them berries! So due to the "lack of redeeming fruit" she sued.

Fortunately, the judge in the case, my hero for today, a one Judge Morrison England, Jr., used two of the many functions of the human brain, those being logic and reason, and was able to determine that this was not a lawsuit that should go any further than the nearest trash can. You think?!

I must say that I do love it when just a hint of sarcasm is evident in the writings of judges when they rule on frivolity like this which is allowed to seep through our court system. Our federal court system, no less! Judge England wrote, "This Court is not aware of, nor has Plaintiff alleged the existence of, any actual fruit referred to as a "crunchberry." ... A reasonable consumer would not be deceived into believing that the Product in the instant case contained a fruit that does not exist. . . . So far as this Court has been made aware, there is no such fruit growing in the wild or occurring naturally in any part of the world." Well said, Your Honor! Well said indeed!

I loved the part about "a reasonable consumer", as the Plaintiff clearly is not one. And while there obviously is no 'crunchberry' growing in the wild anywhere, wouldn't it be cool if there were? Crunchberry farmers and their plots of land with row upon endless row of the delicious crunchberry poking up out of the ground (or blossoming on the vines. I haven't quite worked out the particulars of this fantasy). They could have undocumented workers harvesting the crunchberries that Americans won't harvest (and for half the minimum wage, paid under the table) for the rest of the nation to crunch and enjoy!

But here's the part of the ruling (in which the case was thankfully dismissed) where it became obvious to me that this woman who filed the suit was a moron, but not because she thought that Crunch Berries were an actual fruit. No, it's painfully obvious that she's a moron because she must have thought that she could get away with this. That revelation after reading, "Plaintiff did not explain why she could not reasonably have figured this out at any point during the four years she alleged she bought Cap'n Crunch with Crunchberries in reliance on defendant's fraud." What?

Four years? FOUR years?! FOUR effing years?!?! So what exactly happened there, ma'am? One day, you're just sitting at the breakfast table, eating your alleged 'berries' when suddenly "crunch-crunch-crunch"...."Hey! I don't think these are berries a'tall! I think I've been had! Lawsuit!"

No, I don't think that's what happened at all. I think that she figured that the Cap'n would rather just pay a fair sum, maybe ten grand or so, just to make this all go away rather than to spend the money to fight it. That's what our legal system has come down to, you know. It's so expensive for corporations to fight accusations and lawsuits that a lot of the time they just settle the case for some sum of money that would end up being less than if they had to pay lawyers to defend the case. Sad, but true and all thanks to scumbags like Ms. Sugawara who, incidentally, had also filed a previous lawsuit against the Froot Loops folks because.....wanna guess? That's right. Because they contained no froot. ::: sigh :::

You can read the entire opinion/ruling here if you feel the need. I read it simply to find out if this woman had represented herself or if she had a scumbag lawyer who represented her and filed her frivolous lawsuit. Turns out, she had a scumbag lawyer. The lead attorney was a one Harold Marion Hewell of Hewell Law Firm, APC, located in San Diego, CA. This is what this man has chosen to do with his law degree. He has chosen to use it to represent people to try to legally extort money from companies by abusing the United States legal system via frivolous lawsuits. If you ever see this man on the street (and I have no idea how you'd know who he is), please feel free to have the brakes on your vehicle fail, preferably when traveling at a high rate of speed. And as far as I'm concerned. Ms. Sugawara can be the very first MILP. No, not MILF. MILP. Mother I'd Like to Punch. Hard. (Yes, that would be MILPH, but then it would just sound exactly like MILF and that would likely only serve to perpetuate confusion between derogatory acronyms and I can't see how that would help anyone at this point.)

And as I so often feel the need to do, I'm going to have to issue a heads up for the softheads out there who might be thinking about pulling something like this on their own. So, for the record:

  • General Mills? Not a real general!
  • Lucky Charms? Not going to make you more lucky!
  • Quaker Oats? Not made by real Quakers!
  • Cocoa Pebbles? Not real pebbles!
  • Dr. Pepper? Not a real doctor!
  • Cheerios? Not going to make you more happy!
  • King Vitamin? Don't let the crown fool ya, not a real king!
  • Cinnamon Toast Crunch? Not pieces of toast!
  • Trix? Not made by hookers!
  • Sprite? Does not contain an elf!
  • Hoots? Nary a breast to be found!

Are we clear now? Good. Because in my final bit of Crunch Berry commentary, I offer you this: Several years ago (OK, I was 33) I sent an email to the Crunch Berry folks, as my box of Crunch Berries had an Olympics theme on the back of it, but there were stickers covering parts of the scene and I wanted to know why. I also wanted to just throw out the brilliant idea that I had of doing a limited edition of Crunch Berries called Crunch Berry Classic where all of the berries would be red like the Crunch Berries of yore instead of the blue and purple and green and red that they are now and that I greatly dislike. I miss the basics, what can I say? They emailed me back. A company like this should never, ever be sued. Their response:

RE: Cap'n Crunch's Crunchberries Cereal , REF.# 025902572A

Ahoy Mary!

The Cap'n and crew worked pretty hard to put those stickers over the word Olympics because we did not want any confusion with the Winter Olympics that were running at the same time.

Cap'n had been pacing his cabin for a while trying to puzzle out why you hated multi colored Crunchberries, after all they all taste exactly the same even though they grow in almost every color of the rainbow. But I finally pointed out to him that as his philosophy has always been "Crunch and let Crunch", he should not get too upset if some people have fond memories of the classic red Crunchberries.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts, Mary. Fair winds and safe voyage.


First Mate, S.S. Guppy

Long live Crunch Berries. And their PR Department. (I really liked the 'Ahoy!' Nice touch!)

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