Sunday, June 28, 2009

Gravy Train du Jour

So this is the third Michael Jackson post in just as many days. But look, I received more hits just from yesterday than I did from all last week. When I mentioned to a friend of mine that the blog was 'on fire' and she put it together that it was because of the current domination of Michael Jackson in the media. That's when she called me a whore. And be that as it may (I'm not very proud), I looked at this gravy train with biscuits for wheels and I'm riding it for a little while longer. And while I'm not apologizing, I will ask you (sort of in my defense), where else are you going to find angles like the ones that I pull out of thin air? Ah-HA! So there. Or something.

Clearly, since Thursday, Internet traffic has detoured itself largely toward one topic - the newly deceased Michael Jackson. In the second hour after his death was announced, I checked the semi-useful, often frustrating Google Trends to see how big this was going to be. Out of the Top 100 Trends, there were only five that were not Michael Jackson related. So which five topics were big enough to break through the Michael Jackson Death Trend Domination?

  • Suzanne Saperstein (I didn't know who she was either. Apparently, she was married to some billionaire whom she divorced in 2006 and is now selling the house that she had built to be almost an exact replica of Ch√Ęteau de Versailles. By the way, that sort of thing? Yeah, that's a sign you have too much money.)

  • Farrah (also searched for as fara fossett and phara faucet. If you're one of those folks who is spelling her name like that, what in the hell are you even searching on her for? There's only ONE way to spell FARRAH FAWCETT and if you know who she is, you know how to spell it! What is wrong with people?)

  • Vince Carter (Nets player. Was traded to the Magic on Thursday. There will always be sports.)
  • Maria Belen Chapur photo (She is the Argentinian chiquita whom S.C. Gov. Mark Sanford is having an affair with. He disappeared last week and allegedly didn't tell any of his staff where he was going when he jetted off to see her. That prompted some to label him with the awesome nickname of Fled Sanford.

  • Jeff Goldblum (This was before the "Harrison Ford is also dead" rumor had begun.)

Hey, wait a minute. What was with that whole "Jeff Goldblum/Harrison Ford/Joe Pesci is dead" rumor that folks tried to start in what has to be the most feeble and pathetic attempt at derailing publicity from something. Seriously, was that the best you could do? Jeff Goldblum? I mean, no offense to Jeff or anything, but it was Michael Jackson who died. I don't think that people are going to stop Googling Jacko and shriek "Oh, my God! Jeff Goldblum! Michael who?" Ain't happenin'.

What would it have take to get the Jacko story bumped off of the front page of every newspaper, the cover story of every magazine, the lead story of every newscast? Aside from having the President assassinated, unless Michelle was found on the grassy knoll, I don't even know if that would have done it. MAYBE if President Barry was mauled to death in the Rose Garden by Bo. That might be over the top enough. Jeff Goldblum dying isn't anywhere NEAR the top. (And people thought that Jacko was out of touch with reality. Sheesh.)

The graph of Michael Jackson searches over the 30 days before his death looks virtually the same for every region that is available on Google Trends. There's a long flat line for 29 days and then on the 30th day, ZOOM! Straight up! That was Thursday, of course. I'm writing this about 64 hours after Jackson went to the top of the charts for probably the last time. (When it's the top of the Google Trends chart, it's likely not going to be good for anyone in that position.) How long does it take to relinquish those 95 spots? Less than 64 hours, apparently. At midnight, Sunday, Michael Jackson related searches on Google Trends were the exact opposite of what they had been on Thursday. Five Trends related to Michael and ninety five Trends about something else. (Most often it's something that people have seen on a TV show that they are SO endlessly fascinated with that they start Googling that interest en masse. It's odd.) And I'm probably stretching it a bit on two of them.

Coming in at...

  • 23 is michael jackson death photos
  • 43 is michael jackson autopsy results
  • 47 is dr. deepak chopra
  • 69 is michael jackson children pictures
  • 100 is jesse jackson (That's Jesse "Inject-Myself-Into-Every-Media-Story-Involving-A-Black-Person" Jackson, not some long lost brother of Michael's that we'd never heard about until now. But it wouldn't surprise me if he was. A death like this and they start crawling out of the woodwork.)

In those first few hours after the news broke (and we were subjected to non-stop commentary from people who probably weren't even qualified to offer commentary on their own lives) I hopped on eBay to see what was going to happen there. From what I could tell, the official time of death was 2:26pm and the next Michael Jackson item listed on eBay was done so at 2:54pm. 28 minutes later. So, what took y'all so long? Wow. And at the time, there were somewhere around 1,407 Michael Jackson items for sale. There are now 47,873. No s**t. One guy was selling car window decals for $2.99 each. All they said was simply "God Bless Michael Jackson". He sold over 100 of them in an hour. Then again, he was the only one who was selling something like that. There are currently 250 listings for Michael Jackson decals, so business dried up a little bit for that guy.

But if you want to see some of the stupidest people on the planet at their prime, look through the things that are being offered for sale on eBay during "this troubled time" without Jacko. First of all, at least 300 auctions are for domain names. And most of them are really stupid sounding and most of them the folks want around half a mil for. Oh yeah, and most of these people have never sold ANYTHING on eBay before. And if someone has that kind of money that they want to spend on something that stupid, it kind of makes me wonder how they came to have that much money in the first place.

But then come the auctions that are one of two things and often a combination of both. They're either fraudulent/misrepresented/over-hyped items and/or they're ridiculously priced. If you're in the market to blow about two hundred grand on something and you'd like it to be something authentic, let me give you a few tips.

First tip: DON'T (I could stop here and feel pretty good about things, but I'll continue.)

Second tip: If it seems like something that everyone else has, even though the seller is insisting that it's "original" (you know, like the Thriller album. Come on! How many people have THAT?!?!), DON'T.

Third tip: If things are misspelled in a grotesque fashion, DON'T. (An example of 'grotesque fashion' would be: "This is the original 1982 copy of Michael Jackson's Thriller in almost new condition. We will pay for insured shipping to you. I only played it once to get Eddy Van Hallen with Michael Jackson on Beat It. Great for collecting. I got it to listen to Eddy Van Hallen play with Michael Jackson on Beat It. It has sat on a self since then. It even has the inside paper sleeve with lyrics. We will pay for insurance and shipping."

That bozo would like $100,000 for the album that everyone else already has. Or do we? Wait a minute! Eddy Van Hallen didn't play on MY copy of Thriller! Should I bid???? Ewww. Wait. I just read there that it had "sat on a self since then". Whose SELF? Ick.

Among some of the stranger Michael Jackson branded items for sale on eBay:

The Michael Jackson Fishing Lure. "While this lure was designed to be a GREAT GIFT it actually catches fish. It is effective on Bass, Pike, Musky/Muskie, Trout, Salmon, Stripers, Walleye, and many others. It may be especially effective on KING Salmon." (Uh-huh. You prove to me first that thing isn't going to scare all of the fish off and then we'll talk.)
The Michael Jackson Cross Stitch Kit. The Michael Jackson Dog Tag (that you can wear with your Admiral's jacket)
And what eBay auction list would be complete without the inclusion of the image of Michael Jackson on a piece of cake. Behold!

I'm pretty sure that the folks with some of these auctions on eBay are also the same folks who are kind enough to inform me that I've won the lottery in Nigeria AND they're willing to help me collect my winnings! So they MUST be good folks, right? Especially this one. This guy has outdone himself. His auction items include several things found outside of the home Jackson was renting in Hombly Hills:

A hamburger found outside the gates

A White glove found outside the gates

A bubble maker found in the bushes.

A penny found on the street.

What a maroon.

And since I'm still doing a Michael Jackson post because it's how people are finding this blog, I should mention some of the keywords that have been used for searching for particular information about Michael Jackson and all of the dying.

Why were Liza Minnelli and Usher together? (Ah-HA! I knew I wasn't the only one thinking, "WTH?"

Liza Minnelli high on Larry King Michael Jackson (Hasn't she been high since the 80s?)

List of words Michael Jackson made up (Um...Sha-moe?)

Inspiring words of Michael Jackson

say say say video michael jackson awful (And again I say Ah-HA!! I knew it was terrible

jacko means jocko chimp (What? You found this blog with that search? Wow. I love those Google boys.)

the words to sing i will be there by michael jacson (Huh. You wouldn't be able to figure out that there was a 'k' missing somewhere, eh?)

did michael jackson sing to his parrot (Why wouldn't he have? Because it would have been too strange? I don't think that's it.)

why doesn't michael jackson like speaking to adults (Do YOU like speaking to adults? I rest my case.)

what happened with michael jackson and the kid from home alone (Um, he was found 'not guilty'.)

how did he lose the neverland (Maybe it had something to with The Iraq and such as.)

And I shall wrap up this edition of the Michael Jackson Gravy Train Post Du Jour with some photos of Jacko's children because that's the other thing that folks are really flocking to when they stop by. The folks want to see pics of the kids. There's the youngest, little Blanket, and then the two older children, Pillowcase Prince Michael Jr and Dust Ruffle Paris Michael Katherine. Behold!

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