Clearly, since Thursday, Internet traffic has detoured itself largely toward one topic - the newly deceased Michael Jackson. In the second hour after his death was announced, I checked the semi-useful, often frustrating Google Trends to see how big this was going to be. Out of the Top 100 Trends, there were only five that were not Michael Jackson related. So which five topics were big enough to break through the Michael Jackson Death Trend Domination?
- Suzanne Saperstein (I didn't know who she was either. Apparently, she was married to some billionaire whom she divorced in 2006 and is now selling the house that she had built to be almost an exact replica of Château de Versailles. By the way, that sort of thing? Yeah, that's a sign you have too much money.)
- Farrah (also searched for as fara fossett and phara faucet. If you're one of those folks who is spelling her name like that, what in the hell are you even searching on her for? There's only ONE way to spell FARRAH FAWCETT and if you know who she is, you know how to spell it! What is wrong with people?)
- Vince Carter (Nets player. Was traded to the Magic on Thursday. There will always be sports.)
- Maria Belen Chapur photo (She is the Argentinian chiquita whom S.C. Gov. Mark Sanford is having an affair with. He disappeared last week and allegedly didn't tell any of his staff where he was going when he jetted off to see her. That prompted some to label him with the awesome nickname of Fled Sanford.
- Jeff Goldblum (This was before the "Harrison Ford is also dead" rumor had begun.)
What would it have take to get the Jacko story bumped off of the front page of every newspaper, the cover story of every magazine, the lead story of every newscast? Aside from having the President assassinated, unless Michelle was found on the grassy knoll, I don't even know if that would have done it. MAYBE if President Barry was mauled to death in the Rose Garden by Bo. That might be over the top enough. Jeff Goldblum dying isn't anywhere NEAR the top. (And people thought that Jacko was out of touch with reality. Sheesh.)
The graph of Michael Jackson searches over the 30 days before his death looks virtually the same for every region that is available on Google Trends. There's a long flat line for 29 days and then on the 30th day, ZOOM! Straight up! That was Thursday, of course. I'm writing this about 64 hours after Jackson went to the top of the charts for probably the last time. (When it's the top of the Google Trends chart, it's likely not going to be good for anyone in that position.) How long does it take to relinquish those 95 spots? Less than 64 hours, apparently. At midnight, Sunday, Michael Jackson related searches on Google Trends were the exact opposite of what they had been on Thursday. Five Trends related to Michael and ninety five Trends about something else. (Most often it's something that people have seen on a TV show that they are SO endlessly fascinated with that they start Googling that interest en masse. It's odd.) And I'm probably stretching it a bit on two of them.
Coming in at...
- 23 is michael jackson death photos
- 43 is michael jackson autopsy results
- 47 is dr. deepak chopra
- 69 is michael jackson children pictures
- 100 is jesse jackson (That's Jesse "Inject-Myself-Into-Every-Media-Story-Involving-A-Black-Person" Jackson, not some long lost brother of Michael's that we'd never heard about until now. But it wouldn't surprise me if he was. A death like this and they start crawling out of the woodwork.)
In those first few hours after the news broke (and we were subjected to non-stop commentary from people who probably weren't even qualified to offer commentary on their own lives) I hopped on eBay to see what was going to happen there. From what I could tell, the official time of death was 2:26pm and the next Michael Jackson item listed on eBay was done so at 2:54pm. 28 minutes later. So, what took y'all so long? Wow. And at the time, there were somewhere around 1,407 Michael Jackson items for sale. There are now 47,873. No s**t. One guy was selling car window decals for $2.99 each. All they said was simply "God Bless Michael Jackson". He sold over 100 of them in an hour. Then again, he was the only one who was selling something like that. There are currently 250 listings for Michael Jackson decals, so business dried up a little bit for that guy.
But if you want to see some of the stupidest people on the planet at their prime, look through the things that are being offered for sale on eBay during "this troubled time" without Jacko. First of all, at least 300 auctions are for domain names. And most of them are really stupid sounding and most of them the folks want around half a mil for. Oh yeah, and most of these people have never sold ANYTHING on eBay before. And if someone has that kind of money that they want to spend on something that stupid, it kind of makes me wonder how they came to have that much money in the first place.
But then come the auctions that are one of two things and often a combination of both. They're either fraudulent/misrepresented/over-hyped items and/or they're ridiculously priced. If you're in the market to blow about two hundred grand on something and you'd like it to be something authentic, let me give you a few tips.
Among some of the stranger Michael Jackson branded items for sale on eBay:
And what eBay auction list would be complete without the inclusion of the image of Michael Jackson on a piece of cake. Behold!
A bubble maker found in the bushes.
A penny found on the street.
What a maroon.
Liza Minnelli high on Larry King Michael Jackson (Hasn't she been high since the 80s?)
List of words Michael Jackson made up (Um...Sha-moe?)
Inspiring words of Michael Jackson
say say say video michael jackson awful (And again I say Ah-HA!! I knew it was terrible
jacko means jocko chimp (What? You found this blog with that search? Wow. I love those Google boys.)
the words to sing i will be there by michael jacson (Huh. You wouldn't be able to figure out that there was a 'k' missing somewhere, eh?)
did michael jackson sing to his parrot (Why wouldn't he have? Because it would have been too strange? I don't think that's it.)
why doesn't michael jackson like speaking to adults (Do YOU like speaking to adults? I rest my case.)
what happened with michael jackson and the kid from home alone (Um, he was found 'not guilty'.)
how did he lose the neverland (Maybe it had something to with The Iraq and such as.)
And I shall wrap up this edition of the Michael Jackson Gravy Train Post Du Jour with some photos of Jacko's children because that's the other thing that folks are really flocking to when they stop by. The folks want to see pics of the kids. There's the youngest, little Blanket, and then the two older children,
Pillowcase Prince Michael Jr and Dust Ruffle Paris Michael Katherine. Behold!
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