Not a Good Way to Go

Seriously! How long did you actually think that I'd be able to keep quiet after David Carradine was found dead, hanging in the closet in his hotel room, in Bangkok, Thailand, the perverted sex capital of the world!? I'm sure it wasn't quite this long! I didn't know if I could make it as long as I did. BUT....I, as one with her hand on the pulse of humankind, I knew that when there's a death that appears to be as unfortunate as involving tied up genitalia, that a story like that is only going to get better, akin to that of a fine wine, as time passes by. But it's been four days, so drink up!

David Carradine, as you may or may not care to be aware, was the star of the 1970s TV show 'Kung Fu', a series in which the oh-so-believable and likely plot have Carradine playing Kwai Chang Caine, a Shaolin priest who, armed with only his martial arts skills, travels the American frontier in the 1800s in search of his half brother, Danny. That's right. Kwai Chang is on the lookout for his half brother, Danny. I guess it's the 'half brother' part that makes the very unsimilar names of siblings seem...believable? I don't know, but from 1972-1975, folks liked the show.

Lately, Carradine had seen a resurgence of his fame (or well known-ness) with not only a lead role in the Kill Bill movies, but also as the Kung Fu guy in those commercials for The Yellow Pages. And while a resurgence of one's fame is generally a good thing, if you're going to die shortly thereafter the midst of said resurgence, hopefully it will be in somewhat of a dignified way because now people are going to hear that you've died and won't be saying, "Who?" All I'm saying is that when people know who you are, you don't want to be found dead in Bangkok hanging naked in the closet all tied up with your unit and looking somewhat like a trussed turkey, I would imagine.

Initially, Mr. Carradine's death was reported as "a suicide", a logical conclusion when one is found hanging in a closet. But most people who hang themselves don't also feel the need to simultaneously hang their genitalia. Mr. Carradine's friends and family insisted that he "would never kill himself". Now, I understand what they're saying, but they're leaving out a crucial part of that sentiment. I believe, given the situation, that what they are trying to express is that he "would never kill himself intentionally". Because while perhaps not on purpose, it would appear as if he did end up doing just that. Killing himself.

Now his ex-wife had a book coming out before this all happened. And in which book she appears to detail and support the notion that Mr. Carradine enjoyed the type of sexual gratification that he appeared to be partaking in of at the time of his passing. That is, of course, that type of sexual gratification without all of the dying. And her making that assertion beforehand would tend to lend credibility to the assertion afterhand that his death was, indeed, through his own hands. (Although, actually, if he had been doing things with just his own hands and not the cord from the window blinds, we probably wouldn't be having this discussion now, would we?)

So as much as one's family and loved ones might not be so keen on admitting that the dude apparently and allegedly had somewhat of a, um, fetish (?) it would seem to me to be a hell of a lot better to just suck that up rather than come up with cockamamie stories such as the one I've just read about. According to The Sun, "Relatives of the US actor suggested he was assassinated for delving into the activities of shadowy martial arts sects." Oh, people. Please. What?

Again, from The Sun, "The family's lawyer said it was possible he was targeted for trying to expose underworld groups." Well, plenty of things "are possible." It's "possible" I could be President....soon! But I'm not gonna. It's "possible" monkeys could fly out of my arse. (Sea monkeys, but monkeys none the less.) They ain't gonna, but again, technically it's "possible." All of that being said and thoroughly mocked, I'm doubting that was the case.

But apparently, Carradine's family isn't exactly the first family of a fallen martial arts expert to come up with this sort of assertion. "The claim echoed conspiracy theories that martial arts expert Bruce Lee was killed by Chinese Triads in 1973." Huh. See, I had never heard that about Bruce Lee. Then again, I'm not sure if I know what a Chinese Triad is exactly, so I could have heard about it but had it all go right on over my head. That could also explain why I didn't know that "Secret societies in kung fu date back centuries and were originally formed to protect humble people from corrupt Chinese overlords. But many have since turned to crime." Huh.

How would a secret society protect humble people who (I'm assuming) knew kung fu from corrupt Chinese overlords? Was it only the humble who were protected? What about kung fu folks who were just real a-holes? Were they protected by the society of secretness? And what's with the turning to crime? Not a very lucrative trade, the protecting of the humble? I'm guessing there. Sheer speculation on my part. But you do see the holes in the theory, I'm sure.

I don't understand any of this except for the fact that someone who, by most accounts, seemed to be a very nice and very likeable man, is dead because he liked to choke himself whilst simultaneously choking other parts of himself. As one who does not personally possess a penis, I'm not sure what all of the tying up of said penis was about. Was he afraid it would escape? I've had dogs that I've had to keep on a chain in the backyard so that they wouldn't run off, was it the same with his penis? Why must it be tied up?

I'm hoping that the family will be able to come to grips (no pun intended) with this whole mess and just leave Bruce Lee and his alleged killers out of it. It's sad enough the man is going to be remembered for what he is, does he need to be remembered as part of some ridiculous, near impossible theory that his family comes up with so as to not have to deal with the reality of it all? Let's hope not.

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Tit for Teat

Oh, can we please have more Senators who say things like Charles (Chuck) Grassley, R-Iowa? Pleeeeaaasssseeee?? I have never heard this man's name before yesterday. I have no idea what he does, what he has done, what he wants to do, none of it. But I know that if he's going to keep talking, I'm going to keep listening because I find the man to be bluntly amusing.

Apparently, when discussing the AIG debacle during an interview on Monday, Senator Grassley voiced his opinion on what he felt that some of the AIG executives should be doing now that they've run AIG into the ground and gladly accepted their bazillion dollar bonus, essentially for doing so. He is apparently a fan of Japanese culture and would like to see some of their practices implemented. Here's what he had to say:

"The first thing that would make me feel a little better towards them, if they had followed the Japanese example and come before the American people and take that deep bow, and say I‘m sorry. And then either do one or two things, resign or go commit suicide."

So, Senator, tell us how you really feel about it! And that is not a sarcastic statement in the least! I'm serious. That's awesome. I mean, granted, I'd really prefer that they be strung up in the town square somewhere and have the townsfolk get some sort of 'human pinata' thing going on, but whatever. As long as there is punishment that involves bodily pain and/or harm, I'd like to hear more about it.

In response to Sen. Grassley's comments, CNN Political Ticker reports that "A spokesman for AIG called Grassley's initial comments "very disappointing." "

Disappointing? You know what I find "disappointing"? The pissing away of bazillions of dollars given to you by myself and every other taxpayer in this country! Personally, I think they got off easy with a "go kill yourself" comment. Most people, given the opportunity to voice their opinion on what the AIG executives should do, would tell them to go and eff themselves. And if the AIG spokesman was "disappointed" by that suggestion, I'm sure he wouldn't be thrilled with the follow-up suggestion, involving a two word directive phrase that rhymes with "Duck foo".

But as you can guess, people freaked out over the suggestion that "the best and the brightest" go off themselves. Grassley was asked by MSNBC's David Shuster, "Senator, it‘s a pretty harsh statement. Do you stand by it?" To which Grassley replied, "I hope you recognize rhetoric. And I shouldn‘t even have to answer that question." Nice response. I was hoping for a little 'duck foo', but that's good.

Well, he spoke again the day after that comment and the folks over there at The Washington Post summarized his apology as: "Iowa Sen. Chuck Grassley (R) walks back his call for AIG executives either resign or commit suicide by using the word "tit" to describe the situation. Good times." Wait. (Pause for laughter.) He said what?

The man is apparently a big fan of that rhetoric he spoke of. Now mind you, he was still trying to apologize. And he started off just fine with, "Of course, I don't want people to commit suicide but I do want an attitude within corporate America that's similar to what they have in corporate Japan in which people that run a corporation into the ground have violated their trust with the stock holders and maybe even with the taxpayer, they take a very deep bow, they apologize, they're remorseful, they're contrite."

But his apology kind of came off the rails a bit when he said, "“From my standpoint, it’s irresponsible for corporations to give bonuses, at this time, when they are so sucking the tit of the taxpayer.” Oh, boy. I'm sure you can guess how that went over. To once again quote The Washington Post, Good times.

I'm sure that doesn't sound all that great to some folks, but I do recognize it as a farm/farm-ish saying. It wasn't meant to be obscene or disgusting or anything like that. Though I do believe that the pronunciation is more of that like "teat" than it is of "tit". You know, you say tom-ay-tit, I say tom-ay-teat. It's very common. But not from Senators. And not when they're apologizing. That's uncommon, for sure.

I'll give him this, he's efficient. In a span of technically less than 24 hours, he managed to tell a bunch of AIG teat suckers to kill themselves. That's a lot of ground to cover in that amount of time. Well done, Senator!

There must be an astounding folks with ADHD in this country because it's the only thing that can explain how we can go from discussing a massive financial crisis that has the country's economy on the edge to suddenly worrying if someone's comment was "harsh". Do folks really lose their focus that quickly over something so mundane? Hey, the world's economy is about to crumble, but for God's sake people, let's be polite about it?! I don't think so! These AIG folks ran the company into the ground and are now getting millions of dollars in bonuses! I don't care if Senator Grassley had used a moniker which suggested that those folks regularly engage in maternal fornication, we need to focus! Focus!! Because if people continue to get sidetracked on crap that doesn't matter, then the crap that does matter won't get taken care of and then the only thing that all of us will be able to focus on are empty bank accounts. So just forget about what he said and go out there and get my money back from those tit suckers!

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Most Disturbing Headline Ever

I just read what could easily be deemed as "The Most Disturbing Headline You'll Read All Year". Easily. The hands down winner. Now that I've said that, consider yourself warned. Here we go:

Man cuts off his own head with chainsaw after home was repossessed

No, it's not a headline from the National Enquirer or from World News Weekly alongside some story about that Bat Boy creature. No, that was the headline in The Daily Mail over there across the pond in not so jolly ol' England. That headline easily trumped my second choice "Man gets $300,000 for evaporating genitals". (Disturbing, yes. Equally disturbing? Hardly. Even if you're the one who has (or would it be 'had'?) the evaporating genitals, it still pales in comparison.) No need to fret, however. I'm sure you'll be hearing about the evaporating genitals soon enough.

But back to the man who cut off his own head. I thought that had to be a misprint. I wasn't even sure how that would be possible. And me, being the one who questions everything (the exact moniker is still in questionable negotiations), continued to read to find out if it was possible. Come to find out, it sure the hell is. But there are conditions. Two conditions must be met. One, you must have the inescapable desire and determination to end your own life. Two, you must be very, very mentally ill. If you don't meet the second requirement, there's no way that you're going to be able to carry out the first requirement. I don't care how badly you want to die, you cannot cut your own head off with a chainsaw unless you are at the far, far end of 'disturbia' on the 'mentally ill' scale.

Here's the scoop: A one David Phyall, of Southampton, Hampshire (again, in England) had been living in an apartment (that's a 'flat' if you're all uppity and English) that had been scheduled for demolition. All residents of the complex had been given a notice to move out on April 18. Mr. Phyall did not want to leave and the company that wanted to demolish the buildings had to take him to court to get the power to evict him So they did and they did. He didn't go quietly. Or neatly.

According to the article, (That's foreshadowing talk for 'I'm about to give some pretty sickening details here. Consider yourself warned.' That's one thing about the European press. They're not as touchy-feely as the US press. No, no, no. They tell it like it is. Or was. And they usually spare no detail.) Mr. Phyall, who was 50, "plugged the electric chainsaw into the mains and attached a timer to the socket.He then wrapped sellotape around the machine's trigger to secure it in the 'on' position and tied the handle of the saw to a table leg to hold it steady." Jesus! It's like Rube Goldberg meets Dr. Kevorkian.

He then "...rested the saw on his neck and waited for the timer to go off. The Black and Decker chainsaw sliced through his neck in an instant but kept going for a further 15 minutes." I'm sure the Black and Decker folks are less than appreciative for the plug. I know they say that 'all publicity is good publicity', but I can't imagine any part of this being 'good'. (And being as how this is very hard to imagine, not to mention extremely off-putting, I've recreated something that is probably nowhere near what we're really talking about, but it's still close enough that it'll creep you out a bit.)

The officer who discovered the 'scene' was a one Sgt. Mark Carter, who described what he found by stating, "I could see an electric chainsaw embedded in the man's neck - the blade was three quarters of the way through his neck. The handle of the chainsaw had been tied by white string to a table leg and the trigger had been tied up by sellotape.The lead was connected to a timer switch which was plugged into the wall." Oh. My. God.

And then, in the winner of the "Stating the Obvious Statement of the Year" award he said, "I have never come across an incident quite this graphic." Dude, I don't know if I've even read about an "incident quite this graphic" let alone found one! So, yeah, I'm sure you hadn't! You win! (By the way, I am in no way making fun of that dude. You walk in on something like that and you can say whatever the heck you want for the rest of your life. Provided you can actually regain the power of speech and stop rocking back in forth in a corner where you've been curled up in a ball for that past X-number of years.)

Another officer, a one Detective Sergeant Mark Huxford described what he saw by stating, "The head was still attached by the right shoulder and his head was lying to the left. A large area of carpet had blood splattered all over it because of the way the Black and Decker chainsaw had been spinning around." Oh. My. God.

So you've got a semi-headless guy lying there and a chainsaw attached to a table leg has cut through his neck and the saw is still going (because really, who's there to turn it off?) and it's flinging around blood and, I'm assuming, flesh all over the room and that's when you, the officer, walk in. I don't think I'd be able to return to work after something like that. Hell, I don't think I'd be able to go to sleep after something like that. Ever.

Do you want to know that they think it was about two days before they found his body? No? Me neither. Let's see...what else? Oh, of course his father said what the relatives of someone who does something heinous always say. John Phyall said that "...he had no idea his son had any plans to harm himself." "We had seen him a week prior to his death and he had appeared cheerful and had been making jokes. His death was totally unexpected." WHO could have expected this?!? I'm not thinking very many people could have, sir! My condolences for the loss of your son, but don't blame yourself for not seeing this one a-comin'.

The coroner on the case had said that "...Mr Phyall had killed himself in a bid to 'make a statement'." Oh, he did! That he did. The coroner also added his version of the obvious by stating, "The scene was clearly an appalling one.... it is the most bizarre case I have seen." And while I don't doubt that to be true for one second, might I just add, "Well, good!" Because I certainly wouldn't want to hear "This is the most bizarre case I have seen. Oh! Wait. Except for that one time. At band camp..."

"Mr Phyall had thought through how he was going to commit suicide very carefully - he went to a great deal of trouble to rig up the chainsaw knowing full well the result would be fatal. It was death in the most dramatic way imaginable. I find he did so to draw attention to the injustice he felt at being asked to move out of his flat." Well, it's unfortunate that he didn't think about the "injustice" that those who had to find him would feel, not to mention the 'injustice' that his relatives would feel after learning of his dramatic exit. And guess what dude? You still had to move! You still don't get to live there! Everyone else still had to move! Moron. Crazy, masochistic moron.

Sorry about the graphic nature of this. I haven't done one of these in a while. Don't worry. I'll get the post about the disappearing penis up shortly and we'll all be amused again. Back to happy! Back to happy! Unicorns! Leprechauns! Puppies! Thank God for the penis! (There's a phrase I never thought I'd say.)

The housing crisis. Who'd a thunk it would be responsible for beheadings as well?

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