Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Cats and Dogs, Living Together, Mass Hysteria

George Carlin has died. I'm very sad. The man was, in a word, hil-arious. (OK, a divided word. But it's still a word.) And if you're that funny, you have to be part genius. And he was that too. But now that he's gone, the world has gone over the edge. This is why certain people should not die. (I'ld like to put myself in that category. If for no other reason than to avoid death.) When they do, everything becomes chaotic. Cats and dogs, living together, mass hysteria. And the only explanation for today's chaos is the death of George Carlin. It's either that or I have to accept the sad state of affairs that the media of today is in.

I am at a loss for the numerous ridiculous headlines I have seen online today. NOT ones that are pun-filled. However groan-inducing those may be, I find them amusing. (Hey, a good pun is hard to come by. If one drops into your lap, roll with it. It'll feel good. Pun probably intended.) But today's are a combination of "WTF?" and "What an idiot. Who wrote that?" with a teensy-weensy bit of "DUH" thrown in and a dash of "Oh, God" on the side.

Idiot headline Number One comes from the shameless exploitation masters over there at TMZ.com. They are to blame for my reading "Ex Says Nate Dogg's A Roadside Terrorist". Oh, crap. What? What in the hell is a "roadside terrorist"? So I had to read the four sentences that accompanied the headline. (That is the good thing about TMZ. They're only capable of stringing together four or five sentences max in their stories. And if you're looking for compound words or sentences, I suggest perhaps trying the Schoolhouse Rock website and NOT TMZ.) Here's what I got"
  • Cops tell us a woman who said she was Nate's estranged wife called into 911 freaking out as she was driving, claiming Nate was making death threats against her and "dangerously" following her as she drove down the road. The CHP stopped them both, and after interviewing both parties, arrested him for making terrorist threats and driving on a suspended license. The singer, whose real name is Nathaniel Hale, is currently in the process of being booked into the medical ward of the Twin Towers jail in downtown L.A. He suffered a debilitating stroke last December.
Where in the hell does "roadside terrorist" come into play? That's right. Never. And "suffered a debilitating stroke"? It couldn't be THAT debilitating if he was able to conduct his "roadside terrorist" activities, TMZ!! (Although, judging from the photo, perhaps the "debilitating" part was the need to wear a 'kerchief in an attempt to assimilate with Aunt Jemima. ) And that was just the beginning.

We have flooding going on over there in Midwest. Now, I don't know about you, but when I think "flood" I think "Where's my ark?" So I don't know if someone was trying to be cute or dramatic, but this is just asinine. "Forecast Says End Is Near for River Rise" Oh, the "forecast" says that? Not the fact that there's not as much water? You mean that the river is NOT going to keep rising FOREVER? (Do you really think I needed someone to TELL me that?) And "end is near"? Definitely a "Better find an ark" inducing headline if there ever was one.

The World Health Organization has been in China assessing the mental health needs of those who have survived the recent earthquakes there. (By the way, the earthquake that they had that was 8.0 on the Richter scale. That went on for over THREE minutes. Holy crap. At some point, I'm thinking after, oh, minute one, you have to think that it's just never going to stop and that the earth is going to continue to shake until everyone on the planet is dead. Three minutes would seem like an eternity.) Now, it's hard to tell from the headline if the people in China really DO need some sort of mental health intervention ("from the headline" it's hard to tell. From my opinion, it's not hard to tell. They do. You would too.). The headline reads "WHO says China needs mental health care" Who says? That's cute. What's next? "China responds with: I know you are but what am I?"

Over in 'Health' (which, by the way, if you're concerned about your health, don't read the 'Health' section of anything online. That's what doctors are for; so you can avoid the 'Health' sections.), we have this attention grabber: "What You Eyes Are Telling You." Here, let me help so you don't have to actually read the article. If they're closed, they're telling me I'm asleep. If they're open, they're telling me I'm awake. Next!

My second favorite headline from the world of entertainment today. "Actress Taunted by Angry Russian." (Kind of makes it sound as if Baryshnikov finally came off the rails, doesn't it?) Here's what we know: " According to Showbiz Spy while filming 'Get Smart' in Russia, an angry stranger pushed the star and menaced her with a bottle before security intervened." So....he's not only angry and he's not only Russian, he's a bottler menacer as well! Good thing security was there. Good Lord..........

Also in entertainment we have "Beauty wants public divorce from cheating hubby." What in the hell is a "public divorce"? Is it like when the villagers used to round up people and put them in the middle of the town square and stone them to death? Like that? Seems odd, but I might watch for a minute or two, maybe longer if it wasn't too stone-y at first. Here's what we know (but wish that we didn't): Christie Brinkley is still 'spitting' mad at her ex, architect Peter Cook. In 2006, the former supermodel filed for divorce after a decade of marriage, accusing him of having an affair with his then 18-year-old assistant. If made public, allegations that Cook surfs Internet porn sites are expected to surface. I like how "spitting" is in quotes, just so we know she wasn't really "spitting". But my favorite is the last line. "If made public". Wait. What? I'm reading about this ON THE FREAKING INTERNET!! It doesn't get any MORE public than the Internet!! So where's all the porn?!?!

And finally, the one you've been waiting for. The one that just had me laughing my ass off. I don't even have a good enough build up for it to lead with. It's pretty funny. Ready? What you read will (apparently) shock you.
  • Amy Winehouse's father break shocking news about the troubled singer's health

Shocking news about her health. Um, folks....THIS is Amy Winehouse:


Are you "shocked", just "shocked" that she has health issues? Oh, yeah, I was too! Sure, if "yes" means "um, NO!" Come ON! "Shocking"? I can't think of many things that could possibly be LESS shocking than her health problems. Like we couldn't figure that out on our own from all of the photogenic images that we've seen plastered everywhere lately. Health problems? I just figured she smoked all of that crack, got into a fight with her boyfriend, (whose name, if you listened to her at the Grammys, you would think is "Blake Incarcerated", as that's what she said in her speech. "This is for my Blake. My Blake Incarcerated!" Riiiiiight. And you're the winner. The winner intoxicated!) took off some clothes and then went for a run around London. She has health problems? I am shocked. Just shocked.

As I wrap this up, I must issue this warning that the following is not suitable for a family reading environment. George Carlin....nice job, dude. And you might not be able to say them on TV, but they didn't say anything about writing them online. So thanks for letting me remember you with just those seven words.

ShitPissFuckCuntCockSuckerMotherFuckerTits

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