- Startseite (OK, if it were in Spanish, this would be the Start Seven. Since it's in German, it's the Start Something.)
- Shop (Loosely translated, this means "shop".)
- Kondom-Beratung (Again, loosely translated, I think it's something like "Condom Beating".)
- Preishits (No comment. Don't want to know.)
- Hilfe (This looks like it could be the name of a large woman from the East German Army who tests out the condoms in some back room where no one else ventures.)
- Kontakt (I'm going with "contact" on this one. I don't' know if that means "Contact/Email us" or "In order to use a condom, I am going to need someone for which my penis will be allowed to contact. Please help me." It's probably either one.
In the Condom Beating category, I find a wide variety of goods and services for the penis and those who own the penis. We find:
- Risk: Wrong Size Condom
- Penis Sizes: This is Normal (yeah, um, nice try, but they're not ALL normal!)
- Testimonial: We report your positive experiences. (Come on! How many tools out there are writing these guys an email that says, "Yahoo! (Or Google! Or Ask!) I had sex! And all because of your Kondom-Gluben!")
- Condom Diversity (Billed as "an overview of the colorful world of condoms". Yes, that is the picture that accompanied it. No, I can't go there right now.)
- About Dr. Vinico
WTF? Um, that's a cartoon. Cartoons, to my knowledge, don't HAVE a penis. They don't NEED a penis, they're a cartoon. (OK, Fred might need a penis when he's doing Daphne in the back of the Mystery Machine while Shaggy gets stoned somewhere and Velma whines to Scooby that she can't find her glasses. But other than that, I don't think that's there's much need for the animated penis genre of cartoon character out there.) I don't know that even if I had a penis that I would be trusting a cartoon to direct me to the specific kind of latex goodness from which to wrap it in so that I may make sweet, sweet love to the hot chick that I just picked up in the bar. (OK, fine! I admit it! It WAS Velma! It's just that she just looked so vulnerable without those glasses. And that wide, thick, turtleneck sweater that she always wears, even in the summer! Come on! How can one resist that, especially when coupled with that skirt and those knee high socks?! What? Oh, right. I don't even have a penis. Never mind.) But I digress.
It continues with: "The core of the new advisory approach is the Dr. Vinico Condom Guide, with the penis size as the central decision-making criteria in the selection looks condom. With the Condom Guide, a measure to strip the provision includes penis size, every man and every woman a favorite condom in six steps.They play alongside the size, shape, thickness, surface and the aroma & Color plays an important role. " Well, they certainly seem to have thought of everything there. Size, shape, thickness, surface, aroma and color. They would seem to be in descending order of greatest importance to "Who cares?! I want to have sex!"
So all of the measuring, all of the studies, all of the products, they're all the result of the brainstorming of a cartoon doc? Who may or may not be German?! Are you kidding me? This topic will clearly need to be delved into further.
When checking out the Condom Guide, I was taken to a page with this header:
Then the fine cartoon doctor concludes his section with a garbled German to English translation that seems to mean well and convey good wishes when it says: "Dr. Vinico has set itself the task of the right for each condom. With the advisory approach would like Dr. Vinico show that sex with the right condom much fun and the prevention with rubber and liebestötend not uncool to be the case. "
Ah, yes. So, remember, with the right condom, you too, can have much fun while at the same time having prevention with rubber! And as always, there will be no need to think about your liebestötend not being cool, if that's the case! Enjoy your sex! Oh, and Fahrvergnügen to you too!