Sunday, June 15, 2008

788? Rats Enough

I've always thought that Oregon would be a pretty nice place to live. Seems fairly normal, in the most liberal of all senses, of course. But I've changed my mind. Still liberal, not normal, questionable lifestyles of potential neighbors. Oh, don't worry, that doesn't have anything to do with ethnicity or sexual preference or anything like that. No, that has to do with the guy with the 788 rats. Wait. What?

Apparently, in good ol' Sutherlin, Oregon, a pest-removal company did just that and removed 788 RATS from a house. (Now, the article from the fine folks over at the Altanta Journal Constitution online initially read, "788 rats from an infested house." I find the use of the term "infested" totally unnecessary after you mention that part about the "788" and the fact that the "788" were "rats". Those two bits of information allow the reader to conclude that the house where the 788 rats were was, in fact, infested without actually saying so. It's redundant is all I'm saying.)

This act was announced at a city council meeting to bring them up to date on the "progress" that had been made in regard to the property since March. (Progress? What, in March they only had 588 rats, so 788 is definitely "progress"?) The council had declared the property to be a "nuisance" back in March and had also received permission to go ahead with extermination efforts. Why they are finally getting around to that three months later is beyond me. (Rats are a horny and prolific rodent. If there were only 10 of them in March, there could easily be 788 of them in June. They'll hump anything that moves and if you've ever seen a rat, you know they move a lot. You can do the math and put two and two together. (And if you're going to put two rats and two rats together you're going to get four humping rats.) You'll get at least 788.) The "pest removal" company, The Relocator, will re-inspect the property in a few months to make sure the rats haven't moved back in. (Why would you name your "exterminating" business "The Relocator"? You're really not "relocating" the creatures to anywhere except for that big ol' mousetrap in the sky. They could have done way better than that. "The Terminators". "The Ratinators". "Rodent-B-Gone"."Whack-A-Rat". (Picture Whack-a-Mole, only with rats and the live version.) "Snappy Traps" (Oh, wait, that one is being used by a whorehouse in Portland. Never mind.) The point is that a lot of other names seem more fitting. But I digress.

Now I find it odd that there is no word in this article about the owner, what their deal is, or, more importantly, why in the hell there were 788 rats in the freaking house! How big was this house? We don't know! What if it was 788 square feet? That's one rat per foot. And not like you haven't figured this out already, but that's a lot of rats!! NO word on the owner or what the situation was over there from the AJC. Nice job, AJC.

And while the Atlanta Journal Constitution might not have been on top of their game, the fine folks over there at KPIC-TV WERE on top of their game. It is from their website that I found a picture of what is known in that neighborhood as The Rat House (pretty). Behold! A house that used to have 788 rats living in it! (Hmmm...yeah, that's not very big.)

Our friends over there at KPIC also provide us with a closer look at the Rat House (Yeah, we're done with the AJC). See the boards that are nailed to the side of the house in the picture below? Yeah, those boards would be covering up the HOLES that the rats ATE in the walls. They have 788 wall-eatin' rats living in their house and it takes the city council to do something about it. Who are these people? Sadly, we don't know. (KPIC did knock on the door, but the ratty owners didn't answer. Shocker. They were probably knee deep in rodent feces and couldn't make it to the door.)

We do, however, learn a bit about the neighbors. They apparently went to the city council meeting to report that "the smell has improved since March". Oh, well, thank God! Wait. The SMELL?? Good Lord, I dont even want to try to imagine "the smell". BUT, they also said that "flies are a problem." SO gross. One of the neighbors told KPIC, "I'd like to take about half a box of dynamite and see how far back behind the moon I can put that house." Right on, sir! (Nice purple suspenders and fitted cap, by the way.)

Now, the neighbor that I like is Mary Pirkey. She told the council the house need "to be burned down." Yeah! You tell 'em, Mare! Burn that sucker down! Screw the Relocator! Burn, baby, burn! Rathouse inferno. Unfortunately, she was told that the owner of the infested house has rights, too. And apparently those rights include being able to have 788 rats (complete with odiferous rat smell) in your house.

Check back in a "few months" for an update from "The Relocator" on whether or not the rats have returned OR just to see if we ever find out anything about the homeowner living amongst 788 smelly rats.

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