Saturday, June 21, 2008

What Kind of Trespassing?

So if you're 20 years old and you're arrested for providing a sex act (to the husband of a US senator, nonetheless), it makes sense to take the plea agreement that they offer you and plead guilty to a lesser charge, doesn't it? Sure it does. Especially is the "lesser charge" to "providing a sex act" is "trespassing". Wait. What?

Apparently, a one Alycia Martin, a 21-year old chick from Westland, Michigan had pled guilty under something called the Holmes Youthful Trainee Act. (Are you guys SURE she's 21? Because from the looks of that picture over there, she's looking more like 12 than 21. Was the booking officer dyslexic? Actually, I probably shouldn't complain. She looks older than she did in her booking photo, below on the left.) Basically, if you're young (and I guess in Michigan, 21 is considered "young". I guess "young" is different than "old enough to know better") and you successfully complete your probation, the charge disappears from your record. Other states (and grown-ups) know it as a "plea in abeyance". So in August, Ms. Martin will return to court and they'll see how she did. How nice.

Now, she was only 20 when she was arrested for hooking herself out. But when she was arrested, she had just finished performing $150 worth of a sex act on a Thomas Athans. (No word on how much sex $150 gets you in Michigan. Eliot Spitzer's hookers don't even answer your call for $150.) He would be the husband of US Senator Debbie Stabenow, D-Lansing. (His designation would probably be Thomas Athans, A-Asshat.) And while it's never a good idea to be paying a hooker for sex, it's really not a good idea when your spouse is a Senator. Yeah, that's a really bad idea. (And although it's a bad idea, I kind of get it. I mean, if you want some, you want some. And even if you have a spouse, that doesn't mean you're getting some. (Their pics are below. You tell me if that looks like a match made in heaven to you.) And at least with a hooker (otherwise known as a whore) you don't have to worry about all of the things that usually come with (pun probably intended) someone you're having sex with. You don't have to worry about calling them, you don't have to talk to them, you don't have to worry if you're they're "type". ("Type", very important to some; "type" also not very flexible for some. Unfortunately. For them, probably.), so many things.

But back to the plea bargain. How does one "bargain" one's way down from "prostitution" to "trespassing"? Trespassing is being on someone's property without their permission. Now, in this case, the only way that I could see "trespassing" being a charge would be if by "property" they meant "his penis" and by "being on someone's property" they meant "her on him." But I really don't think that was the case. I'm not thinking that the $150 was for her to get off OF him. Get him off? Perhaps. But that's hardly trespassing.

Well, I guess if it was his wife who pressed the charges, THEN I could see where it might be "trespassing", but it still doesn't make a whole heck of a lot of sense either way.

Oh, and hey, whoring yourself out chick over there? Yeah, listen cupcake, what say you maybe get yourself out of the hooker biz and maybe take a couple of classes somewhere. What? No, CLASSES! I said CLASSES! Not asses. CLASSES! Geez. (Yeah, I can't see it ending well. Not after that.)

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Anonymous said...

honestly u should be writing 4 some satirical magazine cuz u definitely have a way with words..puns and all... :-)

Mare said...

Thanks! Wow, very nice. Thanks for taking the time to read. Tell a friend! (Or someone with a magazine who needs a writer to add a humorous touch to the day's current events.)