Saturday, June 7, 2008

Terrorist Wants A Nose Job

So down there in Guantanamo Bay Naval Base in Cuba (referred to on occasion as "Gitmo". I'm not sure why. I don't know that they're "gitting" anything out of those guys down there. Sometimes, the media comes up with these little catch phrases or pet names for people and/ or places that are just grating as hell. Brangelina, TomKat, Gitmo, the View.), we have Khalid Sheikh Mohammed, who is the guy who allegedly was the architect (yes, architect. Just like Mike Brady, that is correct.) for the September 11th terrorist attacks on the US. He's also thought to be the one responsible for the murder of journalist Daniel Pearl. Now that's one heck of a name there, so expect mainstream media to shorten it to something a little more catchy any day now. Something like "KaSheMo". (Or, if they're looking to be completely childish and sophomoric, they'll start making stuff up and calling him Hussbein Phartine or Aussheet Modraurs.) I'm going with Sheiky.

You might remember when Sheiky was captured at the beginning of March, 2003 by the fine folks in our military (thanks guys). He wasn't exactly looking his best that day. Dude, if you're on the run in the hot-ass mountains of Pakistan, I understand the need to stay cool, but choose a better shirt before you leave the cave or the spider-hole in the morning.

At first, I couldn't figure out who this guy looked like. Then I realized that if Rosie O'Donnell and Ron Jeremy had a secret love child, it would be Sheiky. Seriously. Look at these guys and then look at him. Secret love child, I'm telling you.

(For those of you not familiar with who Ron Jeremy is, good for you. He's a porn star known for his, well, thing that porn stars are known for.)

But back to Sheiky. He doesn't look quite like that during his "military tribunal" hearing down in Guantanamo. No, he looks quite different. Courtroom artist Janet Hamlin came up with this rendition of Sheiky (no cameras are allowed in the courtroom, so the closest that we're going to get to seeing what goes on is through this chick and her crayons. It's a good thing she's good, otherwise we'd be getting courtroom sketches that look like this:)

But I digress. Back to the "military tribunal". So this guy is on trial for killing 2,973 people on September 11, 2001. He's not overly thrilled with the system, by the way. Yes, I know that comes as a complete surprise to you. Basically, he told the court that he rejected his American lawyers because they represent a country that allows same sex marriages. ( Interesting. Exploding planes into buildings is OK for this guy. But two chicks getting married, well, that's going just a bit too far, eh? Spare me.) And for some reason, the judge felt the need to continually point out to him that the lawyers were being furnished "free of charge". I understand the premise behind that information, but I think that the guy has things other than his finances on his mind right now. Like his martyrdom.

Sheiky told the judge, "I am looking to be martyr for long time. I will, God willing, have this by you." After the judge reminded him that he could get the death penalty, he then referred to the trial as an "inquisition" and said, "It's an inquisition. It's not a trial. After torturing they transfer us to inquisition-land in Guantanamo." (It sounds as if five years at Guantanamo was plenty of time for Sheiky to get a firm grip on the English language. Well, at least he made use of his time.)

So you get the picture. He's being accused (mainly because he did it) of orchestrating the 09/11 attacks and he's looking at the death penalty is convicted. But what is the one thing that he absolutely had to have taken care of? Correct. The representation of his nose in the courtroom sketches. Wait. What?

Sheiky was shown the sketch by artist Janet Hamlin during a court break. Apparently a court security officer has to sign off on the drawings before they are cleared for release for public viewing. Well, Sheiky took one look at that and was not pleased. He said that Janet got his nose completely wrong and suggested that she use the FBI photo taken after his capture in Pakistan in 2003 as a guide for drawing his nose. Dude! Focus here! Fo-cus! (By the way, one of the other defendants, Walid bin Attash (who I am tempted to call "Asshat" for short, but I won't), was thrilled with how he was portrayed. "Oh, look, that's me! That's great!" Glad you like it. Whatever.

But Hamlin, being obviously more gracious that I would have been (or ever am) , conceded that "his nose wasn't flattering." According to the fine folks over there at the Wall Street Journal, "She pulled out her pastels and worked over Mr. Mohammed's proboscis." Hamlin said that she "shortened it and slimmed it down." She also said,"I knew the nose was actually too big so I was laughing. Surprised, but I was glad to fix it." And she did. Behold! Sheiky!

See? She's good, isn't she? He's not looking so much like Ron and Rosie's love child now, though. No, now he appears to be the secret offspring of George Burns and Moses. Now, it had been my original intention to really bag on Janet for changing the drawing. I had thought she just should have told him to go pound sand (they have a lot of that over yonder; he'd probably be good at it.). But, you know, I get it. It's a trial and, if nothing else, honoring a request by someone that they be depicted factually, regardless of what a soul-less a-hole they may be, is probably the correct thing to do. And she's very talented. I was impressed. She has a blog and a website that you can check out should you feel the need.

So, you can see where this whole ordeal ranks as far as importance goes with ol' Sheiky there. It's obviously all about him first and screw everyone else. I hope this military tribunal thing does what it's supposed to do and the way it's supposed to do it. However, there really should be a provision in the procedure somewhere to address what happens if the guy wants to play martyr and fire his gay loving lawyers and be put to death. I say, if that's what you ask for (even though you know your lawyers are free of charge!), we just double check with you a few times to make sure that you're sure and then someone walks you out back and someone shoots you. There you go. Simple enough. Hey, he's a guest in this country! We should give him what he wants! If he wants to be put to death, I see no reason why we can't make that accommodation for him. (For cryin' out loud, we make every other accommodation for them. Why should this be any different?)

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1 comment:

kewiesterrock said...

If the Terrorist wants a nose job it can be a so much useless. If they get the nose job an ten they look some different from the current face it can be the dangerous one or we can say it is one of the biggest disadvantage.

nose job