Now That's An Anthem

So, yesterday we had the barrage of 09/11 tributes. Too many to count, really. And it was also the first day of the NFL football season. And I guess that we were all supposed to be extra moved by whoever it was that did their rendition of the national anthem before the various games. I get that. I mean, we were only ten days into the Persian Gulf War in 1991 when Whitney Houston did her thing at the Super Bowl at Tampa Stadium. (Holy crap, we've been at war in the sand lands for way too long.) But I guess I'm just one of those people that likes the anthem to just be sung. It doesn't need to be all tricked out or anything. I just want whomever to sing the song and sing it like they mean it and not so much like they're just trying to impress people with their wide vocal range and sparkly fringe outfit. That's all I ask.

And over there at Soldier Field in Chicago where the Bears hosted the Atlanta Falcons, I got my wish. Apparently, there's a guy named Jim Cornelison who can really sing the national anthem. And I mean really sing it. This guy doesn't mess around. (I don't know what the big gaudy ring on his finger is, but I'm hoping that it's some sort of a sports championship ring. Hoping. It looks like a broach. ) I find it extremely moving, especially on 09/11. Now if I can just go for the rest of my life without having to hear Christina Aguilera or Fergie ever sing the anthem again, I'll be happy. Check out this Jim Cornelison guy singing yesterday. (The actual singing part starts around 1:05 if you're not interested in watching a bunch of people unroll the biggest flag that I've ever seen.) It's awesome and it's how it should be.

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Idiocy In The Wake Of Victory

Things like the killing of Osama Bin Laden always result in good things and bad things. Good things would be stuff like Jon Stewart said. "...we shot him in the eyes and now he lives in a pineapple under the sea." Bad things would be the drivel that some NFL player named Rashard Mendenhall had to say.

Mendenhall plays for the Steelers. After the death of Weird Beard was announced, Mendenhall did what so many celebritards feel compelled to do these days...he took to Twitter to tweet. And what did he twat, you ask? He twat: "What kind of person celebrates death? It's amazing how people can HATE a man they have never even heard speak. We've only heard one side..." Wait. What now?

I heard him speak plenty of times! Whenever he would release one of those poorly made videotapes in which the subject was "Death to America" and "Death to the infidels". I did hear him speak. I heard him speak of killing Americans. And I don't know that when someone says that they want to kill us that I need to hear "the other side". Besides, isn't HE the other side? When 3,000 people are killed, I don't think I need another side.

But his tweeting didn't stop there! Why would you think that it would! Why would you think that he would stop such ridiculous ramblings right there? Someone who thinks that is likely someone with a lot more to say. And he didn't disappoint. He followed his initial insanity up with: "We'll never know what really happened. I just have a hard time believing a plane could take a skyscraper down demolition style." Oh, God.

So, he's one of those. And by "those" I mean "morons". I know the NFL is trying to be more vigilant with following up with players with concussions. Perhaps they might want to start with this guy. Give him a good and thorough CAT scan. Maybe an MRI just to be on the safe side. Oh, and show him some footage of September 11, 2001. That might help him understand how a plane could take a skyscraper down. Demolition style.

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Charlie Sheen Needs a Tin Foil Hat

Huh. Well. Didn't see this one coming. Nah, I take that back. I totally coulda predicted that Charlie Sheen would turn out to be a nutjob. That might be a bit too strong. I don't really have any hard evidence of him actually being mentally ill (though Major League 2 might qualify). OK, so maybe he isn't a nutjob, but I do have a fair amount of evidence, all provided by Charles Sheen himself, that he might be a moron. Let's find out, shall we?

I think that sometimes celebrities get a bit tired of a world which they believe revolves around them and their every waking breath. And if you think about it, that would get exhausting. And boring, I would imagine. I mean, you're you. You already know what you're going to do, what you're going to eat, what you're going to wear, who you're going to sleep with (everyone), who you're not going to sleep with (no one), and what you're going to say (everything, after all, you ARE fascinating!). There's no surprise. There's no uncertainty. You need something that will really shake things up for you. How about a meeting with the President of the United States so that you can discuss your viewpoints on the whole 09/11 incident. You know, the one with the planes and the towers and all of the death and destruction. Yes. THAT 09/11.

I don't think that Charlie Sheen is ever going to be bestowed with the label as one of this nation's greatest thinkers, all right? I just don't see that happening. Ever. He's a thinker all right, just not one of the greatest thinkers. He's definitely a misguided thinker (and one with an inflated ego at that). In an interview he gave (for reasons that might be inexplicable other than they were the only ones willing to listen to him and his nonsensical outrage) to something called PrisonPlanet.com. Now, Sheen thinks of himself as "a Truther". Please make note that when a group of people gives itself a name that is grammatically incorrect and grates on the ears every time you hear it, you know that the group is not exactly the pillar of stability. "Truthers", "Birthers", "Oakland Raiders", all of those follow the same principle.

Sheen pretends to have an imaginary conversation with the President and reveals what it is that he would be saying to him during this time. It's a lot different than what I would have envisioned him saying because I pictured him being led away by security. But his version goes like this: "9/11 has been the pretext for the systematic dismantling of our Constitution and Bill of Rights. Your administration is reading from the same playbook that the Bush administration foisted on America through documented secrecy and deception."

Wow. Foisted. Nice. But the last time I checked, the Constitution and the Bill of Rights were still in effect. NO dismantling. Still can speak freely, carry weapons, assemble and shout, all very much in play. And really, Charlie, isn't "documented secrecy" kind of an oxymoron? No, not YOU. I mean, you ARE a moron, but not an oxymoron. Documented secrecy. See, if it were so secretive, would it have been documented?

He also envisions himself telling President Barry about the "bottomless warren of unanswered questions surrounding that day and its aftermath." Again, I hate to get all nit picky here, but if you've got some nits, you should really pick them. Thus, my point is this: See, a "warren" is defined as either an area where rabbits breed or are bred; as a maze of underground passageways or small rooms; or a place where one is legally authorized to keep small game animals for the purpose of them being hunted. Therefore, you really can't have a "bottomless warren". How are you going to have a bottomless maze of underground passageways? A bottomless place to breed rabbits? (What? Are they just going to constantly connoiter whilst floating around? Is this bottomless warren in outer space? Does it involve a degree of weightlessness?) It just doesn't work. Nice job trying to squeeze 'warren' into a conversation, but no. Try again.

Oh, and part of the "unanswered questions" that are floating around in this gravitationally challenged warren without a bottom includes "the John F. Kennedy assassination and the Gulf of Tonkin incident." The Gulf of Tonkin? Is that where all the toy trucks are? Oh, wait. That's TONKA. Never mind. My mistake. So, um, what now? The thing with the two US destroyers and some Vietnamese patrol boats back in 1964 that sort of propelled the United States into the Vietnam War? THAT Gulf of Tonkin incident? 45 years ago?! Boy, this Sheen guy just doesn't let things go now, does he?

Charles Sheen has written this fictional script which is how he envisions that the twenty minutes that he would be granted (in this incredibly fictitious world that he lives in) to sit down with the President (on the merits of simply nothing more than he's Charlie Sheen) and present him with "facts" which he believes indicate some sort of a conspiracy involving 09/11. I will give him this much: As ludicrous as the whole idea is (mostly the part about competent and secretive government officials, which I see as much less plausible than an actual conspiracy), the script that he writes is pretty funny in places. He might not be one of our nation's most treasured speakers, but he does deserve a place in the "I'm a Witty American" club. That I will give him. Anything else? He's a moron.


The script goes on and pretends to have him say "Mr. President, I implore you based on the evidence you now possess, to use your Executive Power. Prove to us all Sir, that you do, in fact, care. Create a truly comprehensive and open Congressional investigation of 9/11 and its aftermath." He explains to a one Alex Jones of PrisonPlanet.com how he would further implore President Barry by stating, " I requested 30 minutes given the scope and detail of my inquiry; they said I could have 20. Twenty minutes, 1200 seconds, not a lot of time to question the President about one of the most important events in our nation’s history." 20 minutes isn't enough for all of the questions about "...one of the most important events in our nation’s history", but THIRTY minutes is PLENTY? Wow, you must really make those extra ten minutes count!

Now look, I'm not saying that there isn't a chance for some sort of a conspiracy to be conjured up and carried out at some point. Theoretically, it's possible. But honest to God, the kind of conspiracy that Charlie Sheen is talking about in regard to 09/11 would not only involve, but would absolutely REQUIRE the kind of efficiency, and secrecy and solidarity and competence that JUST ISN'T POSSIBLE WITHIN OUR GOVERNMENT. Do you hear what I'm saying? Look at the folks who are running this country. They're idiots. Complete morons. How many things has the public learned about simply because some politician was too stupid to realize that his microphone was on before he started various unethical doings to other politicians? TOO MANY. Do you think that there are actually THAT many people that could keep THAT big of a secret? There just isn't.

According to Charlie Sheen's version of how this would all go, he envisions a scenario in which he, Charlie Sheen, a man once married to Denise Richards, has information about the most spectacular terrorist attack to ever take place on this planet, and the PRESIDENT of the United States has to get this information from him because he is not privy to it, apparently. If that was actually the state of our government and of our world as we know it, I'd hang myself right now. If the day ever comes when Charlie Sheen is giving the President of the United States new and classified information involving an inter-governmental conspiracy, I will hang myself within an hour of receiving confirmation of that atrocity. (I would commit to within the first 30 minutes after learning that, but I'll probably want to leave a note and I'll need a little bit of time to scrawl something out. Then there's the time it's going to take to knot the noose....I really should have thought this through before making a commitment like that. OK, 90 minutes. Give me 90 minutes after confirmation and I'll be dead, I swear.)

Mr. Sheen's fictional account of how events on 09/11 were orchestrated and allowed to take place gives at least 20 specific items which he believes point to a conspiracy. Again, if you're a fan of the fiction genre you can read his entire tome over there at PrisonPlanet.com. I have absolutely no intention of going over all twenty ridiculous items. But to demonstrate the sort of flawed logic that Charles Sheen is putting forth in this endeavor, allow me to point out item number 18 which states: "The technology to enable cell phone calls from high-altitude airline flights was not created until 2004, and even by that point it was only in the trial phase. Calls from cell phones which formed an integral part of the official government version of events were technologically impossible at the time." Um, what now?

I have a bit of news for you, Chuck. Folks on those planes DID make calls and they DID use their cell phones and that IS a fact. To say that they did NOT is to say that all of those people who TOOK those calls from those people who had called to say goodbye are all lying and are all in on this scheme you've bought into? I can emphatically state without any doubt at all that calls were made. They were made from cell phones. End of story. Now knock it off.

Oh, one more! He also cannot fathom how things like a hijacker's passport could have survived that whole ordeal when human bodies were simply vaporized and steel columns melted like butter. How could a paper passport in a suitcase survive? Perhaps our treasured misguided thinker could use a physics class or a chemistry class. Or maybe if he just told the hookers to wait for five minutes and sat down and thought about it he'd realize that the force of the impact and subsequent explosion would create a force which would blow things outward. A book, Charlie. Go read a BOOK.

Yes, plenty of things went wrong in response to events as they unfolded on that day. But it wasn't due to a conspiracy. It was due to incompetence. And in a way, I'm sorry that our government is too stupid and incompetent to carry out the sort of 009/11 conspiracy that Charlie Sheen so desperately wants to be true. I really am. I WISH they could do it! I swear I do! I want them to be conspiracy material. But they just aren't. They aren't. They're just too dumb.

And the other thing you have to remember, Chuck, is that you don't get to know every single detail of all of the inner workings of the US Government. Not the State Department. Not the Department of Defense. Not the CIA. None of them. You don't get to know everything that went on. No one does. But if you'd like to just look around you, you'll get the one detail that makes all of the pieces of the puzzle fit into place. That the government is huge. Something that large will not function in detail the way that it is theoretically supposed to. It just can't. You want to go on some big ol' campaign for something there, Chuck? You want to make sure that this doesn't happen again? What say you go make a point for smaller government and cite 09/11 as how big government failed people? That seems like a worthy cause. Or at least one that won't make you look like a complete nutjob tool.

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Terrorist Wants A Nose Job

So down there in Guantanamo Bay Naval Base in Cuba (referred to on occasion as "Gitmo". I'm not sure why. I don't know that they're "gitting" anything out of those guys down there. Sometimes, the media comes up with these little catch phrases or pet names for people and/ or places that are just grating as hell. Brangelina, TomKat, Gitmo, the View.), we have Khalid Sheikh Mohammed, who is the guy who allegedly was the architect (yes, architect. Just like Mike Brady, that is correct.) for the September 11th terrorist attacks on the US. He's also thought to be the one responsible for the murder of journalist Daniel Pearl. Now that's one heck of a name there, so expect mainstream media to shorten it to something a little more catchy any day now. Something like "KaSheMo". (Or, if they're looking to be completely childish and sophomoric, they'll start making stuff up and calling him Hussbein Phartine or Aussheet Modraurs.) I'm going with Sheiky.

You might remember when Sheiky was captured at the beginning of March, 2003 by the fine folks in our military (thanks guys). He wasn't exactly looking his best that day. Dude, if you're on the run in the hot-ass mountains of Pakistan, I understand the need to stay cool, but choose a better shirt before you leave the cave or the spider-hole in the morning.

At first, I couldn't figure out who this guy looked like. Then I realized that if Rosie O'Donnell and Ron Jeremy had a secret love child, it would be Sheiky. Seriously. Look at these guys and then look at him. Secret love child, I'm telling you.

(For those of you not familiar with who Ron Jeremy is, good for you. He's a porn star known for his, well, thing that porn stars are known for.)

But back to Sheiky. He doesn't look quite like that during his "military tribunal" hearing down in Guantanamo. No, he looks quite different. Courtroom artist Janet Hamlin came up with this rendition of Sheiky (no cameras are allowed in the courtroom, so the closest that we're going to get to seeing what goes on is through this chick and her crayons. It's a good thing she's good, otherwise we'd be getting courtroom sketches that look like this:)

But I digress. Back to the "military tribunal". So this guy is on trial for killing 2,973 people on September 11, 2001. He's not overly thrilled with the system, by the way. Yes, I know that comes as a complete surprise to you. Basically, he told the court that he rejected his American lawyers because they represent a country that allows same sex marriages. ( Interesting. Exploding planes into buildings is OK for this guy. But two chicks getting married, well, that's going just a bit too far, eh? Spare me.) And for some reason, the judge felt the need to continually point out to him that the lawyers were being furnished "free of charge". I understand the premise behind that information, but I think that the guy has things other than his finances on his mind right now. Like his martyrdom.

Sheiky told the judge, "I am looking to be martyr for long time. I will, God willing, have this by you." After the judge reminded him that he could get the death penalty, he then referred to the trial as an "inquisition" and said, "It's an inquisition. It's not a trial. After torturing they transfer us to inquisition-land in Guantanamo." (It sounds as if five years at Guantanamo was plenty of time for Sheiky to get a firm grip on the English language. Well, at least he made use of his time.)

So you get the picture. He's being accused (mainly because he did it) of orchestrating the 09/11 attacks and he's looking at the death penalty is convicted. But what is the one thing that he absolutely had to have taken care of? Correct. The representation of his nose in the courtroom sketches. Wait. What?

Sheiky was shown the sketch by artist Janet Hamlin during a court break. Apparently a court security officer has to sign off on the drawings before they are cleared for release for public viewing. Well, Sheiky took one look at that and was not pleased. He said that Janet got his nose completely wrong and suggested that she use the FBI photo taken after his capture in Pakistan in 2003 as a guide for drawing his nose. Dude! Focus here! Fo-cus! (By the way, one of the other defendants, Walid bin Attash (who I am tempted to call "Asshat" for short, but I won't), was thrilled with how he was portrayed. "Oh, look, that's me! That's great!" Glad you like it. Whatever.

But Hamlin, being obviously more gracious that I would have been (or ever am) , conceded that "his nose wasn't flattering." According to the fine folks over there at the Wall Street Journal, "She pulled out her pastels and worked over Mr. Mohammed's proboscis." Hamlin said that she "shortened it and slimmed it down." She also said,"I knew the nose was actually too big so I was laughing. Surprised, but I was glad to fix it." And she did. Behold! Sheiky!

See? She's good, isn't she? He's not looking so much like Ron and Rosie's love child now, though. No, now he appears to be the secret offspring of George Burns and Moses. Now, it had been my original intention to really bag on Janet for changing the drawing. I had thought she just should have told him to go pound sand (they have a lot of that over yonder; he'd probably be good at it.). But, you know, I get it. It's a trial and, if nothing else, honoring a request by someone that they be depicted factually, regardless of what a soul-less a-hole they may be, is probably the correct thing to do. And she's very talented. I was impressed. She has a blog and a website that you can check out should you feel the need.

So, you can see where this whole ordeal ranks as far as importance goes with ol' Sheiky there. It's obviously all about him first and screw everyone else. I hope this military tribunal thing does what it's supposed to do and the way it's supposed to do it. However, there really should be a provision in the procedure somewhere to address what happens if the guy wants to play martyr and fire his gay loving lawyers and be put to death. I say, if that's what you ask for (even though you know your lawyers are free of charge!), we just double check with you a few times to make sure that you're sure and then someone walks you out back and someone shoots you. There you go. Simple enough. Hey, he's a guest in this country! We should give him what he wants! If he wants to be put to death, I see no reason why we can't make that accommodation for him. (For cryin' out loud, we make every other accommodation for them. Why should this be any different?)

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