Bully For You

I'm not going to pretend to understand bullfighting. I don't understand why in the world anyone would want to participate in it and I certainly don't understand why in the world anyone would want to watch it. I see it as a publicly sanctioned event in which the torture of an animal is wildly cheered on by the masses. I find it strange. I think what I find even more strange is that there aren't more unhappy endings for the bullfighter. And I use the term "unhappy" only in regard to what the bullfighter must be thinking when he gets gored by a bull. (It's probably what he's thinking right after "Holy hell! That effing hurts!!") My opinion? The bullfighter has whatever he gets coming to him.

All of that being said, it still didn't stop me from actually saying, "Holy S!" (though I did use the elongated version) when I saw pictures of a one Julio Aparicio being gored by a bull during something called the Festival of Saint Isidro that takes place somewhere in Spain. Apparently, that is like the most important event in the bullfighting calendar. I guess it's like the Super Bowl of bullfighting. Super Bull, if you will. (Or if you won't. That was pretty bad.) It takes place at something called the Plaza de Toros las Ventas bullring. I tried to get The Google magical translate tool to translate that into English. It didn't go so well. It would translate Plaza de Toros into bullring and it would translate las Ventas into sales. Bullring Sales? That can't be right. Whatever it means, it's freaking huge. Up to 24,000 can get in there to watch this madness. And yesterday when they went to madness watch, this is what they saw. Behold!

Holy. Crap. That bull stuck that big 'ol horn right on through ol' Julio there. No bueno. It looks like it enters underneath his chin and exits right out of his mouth. Good Lord, man. According to the Huffington Post via something called AFP one of the medics who worked on Julio said, "It went through the tongue and penetrated the roof of the mouth, fracturing the jawbone." Went through the tongue? Through. The tongue. Again, I say Oh. My. God.

Now, below is a picture right before el Bull did all of the goring and tongue piercing and what not. Can you honestly say that you blame the bull? Look at him! (I'm assuming it's a him based solely on that huge dingus that he has hanging from his nether region.) He's covered in his own blood. I'd be a little pissed off too if someone was constantly riling me up and stabbing me with something as I ran by.

While that's not a little bit of blood, that's an awfully big animal. And look at that stabbing instrument that Julio is using there. That looks like nothing more than a skewer for shishkabobs! How long does it take him to kill the animal using his specially formulated Ginsu knife there? I'm guessing quite a while! But back to the blood. That blood is all from the bull. That has to hurt. No, I know it hurts. Why do you think the bull was so angry? Because someone was slowly torturing him to death, that is correct. According to the Chicago Sun-Times blog Sports Pros(e) "Aparicio fell during the part of the match where the matador uses his cape and sword to entertain the crowd before delivering the death blow." Uh-huh. How...entertaining? Really? Whatever. Good for the bull.

I'm guessing that it doesn't matter that the bull won. I'm guessing that he will still be killed at some future fight. I wish they had some sort of rule that if the bull wins, he gets to go free. Then again, in order to do that, they'd have to come up with what constitutes a "win". But I'd guess that having the bull's horn go in under your chin and come out of your mouth would be a pretty simple baseline to establish what a "win" is. I'm totally on the bull's side with this one. Sorry, Julio. That's what you get. Am I saying that I'm glad he was gored? Not necessarily. Am I saying that I'm sad he was gored? Not necessarily. All I'm saying is what did he expect?

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Is It Normal?

OK, as corporate America does not allow us to forget, yesterday was Father's Day. (And I, for one, cannot tell you how glad I am that it is over. Trust me, I liked it a lot better when I had a Dad. Hoo-boy, that was a downer. The rest of this post better be freaking good after dropping that one on you. Happy, happy, joy, joy! Here we go!) And there are always the promotions, sales, etc. trying to entice us to show how much Dad means to us by giving our money to someone else in exchange for crap to give to Dad. Aw. The sentiment.

But here's a new one for me. There was an online survey for Dads. While that didn't strike me as overly strange, the fact that is was the "Great American Dad Sex Survey" kind of surprised me. (Do you want to think about your Dad taking the "Great American Dad Sex Survey"? I didn't think so. Onward.) But then I looked at who was administering the survey and it was put together by AOL and Cookie Magazine. What the hell?

So I had to check it out. Come on, Cookie Magazine? And I checked it out and I'm still asking, "What the hell?" It does not exactly strike me as a site that would know anything at all about a man's sexual habits or traits or what's normal or what isn't. It doesn't even strike me as a site that a man would ever go to. (It doesn't even strike me as a site that would know about cookies, either.) Look at the images below. Does it look like a magazine that should be dabbling in the sexual surveying of Dads? I don't think so either!

In general, the website is far from normal. It appears to be clearly dedicated to the soft-headed. I saw a lot of stuff on there that pertained to women. I don't know how many Dads need to know about the strangest places women had to pump breast milk. (As long as the Dads don't have to deal with it, the woman can do it anywhere she'd like.) But there wasn't a whole lot about men on this site. Let alone men's sexuality.

So then I figured I'd click on the Mind and Body tag and maybe find something, anything, that was directed at or written for men. Nope. Same crap. Ooh! But they have forums! Let's see what those have....OK....A-ha! A forum titled "Is It Normal?" That should be good. We'll go there....Wait. What?

What the hell is this? Here is the topic summary at the top of the forum: "Wondering if it is normal to think about running out to the grocery store for milk and never returning? Ask about anything going on with you or your child and get a reality check here." Huh? Go get milk, never to return again? Check your or your child's reality here? Those are the examples under "Is It Normal?" Am I supposed to answer those? OK, I'll try. Um, NO! Those are not normal questions to be put under the heading of "Is It Normal?" See, "Is It Normal?" when asked on the Internet, is supposed to contain threads such as:

• "I really like goats. Can I take one to the drive in with me?"
  
  
• "I want to have sex in a Prius."
  
  
• "I want to have sex WITH a Prius."
  
  
• "I find Keith Richards attractive."
  
  
• "I have painted my penis bright yellow. Just like the mailman's."
  

THOSE are the questions for "Is It Normal?" Nothing about milk! Nothing about leaving! Sex, goats and penises! That's what should be there!

But finally, finally, I did find some strange ones, like:

• "Do you worry about dog-baby assault?" (I do NOW! But not from this guy. He's just cute!)


• "Where and how is it politically correct for my 4 yr. old to get pissed off?" (Probably when your 4 yr. old knows what the hell "politically correct" actually IS. But then again, if he knows that, then you could just sit down and have a chat with him about why he's pissed off.)


• "Husband doesn't hear me." (Oh, yes he does. And if that's your question, I'd have to say he hears you OFTEN. TOO often.)

But I was still thinking there had to be more. It was titled "Is It Normal?" for God's sakes and all those people are worried about is if their baby is going to assault their dog! Geez. All right! I finally found a couple of them that actually belong there! We have:

• "Balloon boobs, rubber band vaginas, how about underarm flab?" (Wow. The elasticity of the female body. Who knew?)
  
  
• "Husband jerking off while babysitting." (Ah-ha! Finally! I'm quitting while I'm ahead! And so should he, really.)

I looked to see what the responses were for the two topics above and, well, let's just say that they were pretty lame. Apparently, everyone agreed on the gravity pull and it's detriment to the female body as it ages. And it was about a half and half split (half thinking it was normal, half thinking it was damnation to hell perversion) on the monkey spanking babysitter.

I never did find the "Great American Dad Sex Survey" on their site. And I can't say that I'm all that broken up about it either. But what I can conclude from all of this is kind of what I already knew in the first place.

• A website named "Cookie Magazine" doesn't know squat about men, women OR what is normal or not (though I suspect that "Cookie Magazine" = not normal).
  
  
• No one, I mean no one wants to think of their Dad taking "The Great American Dad Sex Survey." They just don't.
  
  
• A forum category titled "Is it Normal?" probably is not.
  
  
• The female body is strangely elastic.

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