Friday, September 25, 2009

Wrong Knob! Wrong Knob!

I love Sweden's news in English. I love it even more when it involves big rig truck accidents coupled with a driver under the influence and just the right amount of masturbation. Wait. What?

From The Local - Sweden's News in English, we learn of "A German trucker suspected of driving under the influence of drugs." Now, the only reason that this suspicion was brought to the attention of authorities was because said trucker actually ended up crashing his vehicle at some juncture in western Sweden. The article nonchalantly continued with, "He subsequently admitted to masturbating at the time of the accident." Subsequent to what, exactly?? And is that what they're calling it in Sweden these days? "The influence of drugs"? I don't think that they are!

But see, here's the problem when you crash your big rig during a moment of intense personal pleasurement: Once you've caused that sort of an accident, you're really going to have your hands full! (Pun totally intended. As will be all of the subsequent puns that you'll run across here.) I mean, what do you do if you have this whole accident dealio to tend to, but you haven't quite finished your previous commitments, if you know what I mean. (Of course you do. This is a story about a masturbating trucker whose shipment had gone awry, of course you know what I mean!) Well, if you're this trucker, you don't let a little thing like a flipped truck and trailer deter you. You just keep right on going about your business. Good Lord. What?

Correct. The man overturns his truck, blocks all lanes of traffic going one direction, blocks one lane of traffic going the opposite direction and what does he do? "The man remained in the vehicle with his hands apparently still clasped around his own gear stick..." And with writing like that, how can one not love Sweden's news in English? You can't! You've gotta love it. Not quite as much as this trucker guy was loving himself, but be very fond of it at least!

According to something referred to as "the local Borås Tidning newspaper", "The trucker, apparently unable to reach a satisfactory climax, then proceeded to continue to pleasure himself while in the midst of a police interrogation." OK. Wait a minute! WHAT?!

Continued?! Continued to pleasure?! That's not a lot of pleasure for those doing the interrogating!! Here's my first question during such an interrogation: "What the hell is wrong with you?!" It's followed closely by my second question in that same scenario, that being, "Do you want to stop doing that or do you want me to beat you senseless with this stick that I'm always carrying around with me?" That's how my interrogation begins in that situation! Of course, this scenario only holds true provided the man is wearing pants. If he is de-pants, pantless, or in any other state of being unclad over the nether regions, then my first question is no longer a question, it's a statement. That being "Put on your damn pants!"

A police prosecutor, a one Åsa Askenbäck, is quoted as saying, "He was masturbating while the police interrogated him." And again, my question is WHY?? WHY was he doing that?! Because let me tell you, if I'M there? Oh, he is so NOT doing that during the interrogation! NOT so much! How does one even conduct an investigation or an interrogation with someone doing...that in the midst of said process? What were the authorities doing? Shielding their eyes? Did they turn their backs? What? Are they looking in the other direction AND interrogating? "Um, sir, I'm just going to look over here while you finish up your date night there. So, can you tell me what happened? Was the crash before or after all of the masturbation?" "Can you tell me how long you've been a masturbating truck driver?" What is wrong with Sweden's policemen in Sweden?!

The same police prosecutor is quoted as also saying, "He has admitted that he was not paying full attention at the time of the accident. He was playing with himself instead of focusing on the road." Oh, do you think?! Not paying full attention at the time of the accident?! Hell, he wasn't paying full attention at the time of the interrogation! And for the same reason! I'm not even sure why the interrogation was necessary. Here you have a truck, all flipped over and blocking traffic, and a truck driver who can't even take the time to get out of the truck because he's too busy finishing off what I'm sure was a simply lovely evening! Perhaps things got a bit out of hand when he found himself telling himself, "Faster! Faster!"

Here's the thing (well, one of them): The truck flips over. Unless this man has the concentration of David Blaine, not to mention extremely agile dexterity, I find it hard to believe that he wasn't at least temporarily disengaged from his prior engagement. So he's manuevering his own gear shift knob there, the truck flips over, gets all bent over traffic lanes, and then he just calmly goes back to doing what he was doing?!?! While I can appreciate the attentiveness to the details there, I'd really appreciate it a bit more if your details didn't involve his own penis!

But in a bizarre twist that I did not see coming, "The suspicions against the man have now been extended to sexual molestation." Sexual molestation? Of what? Himself?!! Is that actually a crime in Sweden? What if you're in a truck? Is it a crime then?? I don't understand that at all.

But I do understand that "The German trucker, who is in his thirties, has admitted all of the charges directed against him." I'm sure that there will be a stiff fine associated with that one. He could be doling out money for this one hand over fist.

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Anonymous said...

"The suspicions against the man have now been extended to sexual molestation." Sexual molestation? Of what? Himself?!! Is that actually a crime in Sweden? What if you're in a truck? Is it a crime then?? I don't understand that at all."

Masturbating in front of a police officer ? - I guess that's an offense in any country

Mare said...

It's definitely offensive, that's for sure!