Saturday, September 26, 2009

Anticipating Marital Disaster

Here we have one Khloe Kardashian. Behold! Wow. OK. Well. She's the daughter of....Kim? Kardashian? Oh, no. Wait. That's her sister. Robert? Richard? Kardashian? Robert. Bob. Bob Kardashian. There it is. She's the daughter of Bob Kardashian. Bob was one of the lawyers at the OJ Simpson trial on OJ's side. Literally. On his side. He sat next to him during the trial. Not a whole lot of lawyering going on with him during all of that. Definitely a whole lot of sitting, though. Until now, I had been unaware that simply sitting next to an alleged murderer was cause enough for your children to become reality stars after you croak from esophageal cancer in 2003. But apparently it is even though no one knows why exactly. The point here, however, is that Khloe Kardashian (who I realize that you still care nothing about and still have no idea who she is) is getting married this weekend to a one Lamar Odom. Odom plays in the NBA for the LA Lakers. Here is a photo of Odom before encountering the Kardashian. Behold!


Seems normal. Happy. Upbeat about things. Somewhere along the line (and that line being August from what I can tell) he met Khloe and they began dating. Six long and a wonderful weeks later and they're gettin' hitched! Of course, they announced the engagement on the 18th of September, so they had probably known each other right around 5 weeks. Sure, that seems reasonable. What could possibly go wrong? I don't know. Let's look at some photos of the happy couple and see if there's anything different about Lamar, shall we? Behold!


Oh. Well. Well, that could just be a bad day. Not everyone is photogenic every day of their life, right?
Oh. Well. So, two. TWO not great photos. That doesn't mean anything. Really?
All right. Knock it off. This is getting ridiculous. See now, now all that's happening is....


I said cut that out! Lamar! What the hell?!?! Why are you marrying this woman if she is going to make you look like that Lamar?

Oh, God. Lamar! Are you pregnant? Is that it, Lamar? No, wait. That can't be it. But then what? What is it?? I don't know exactly, but it's fishy and I smell a rat. A fishy rat. Yep. That's what I smell.

Turns out that Khloe has sold exclusive rights to the temporarily happy couple's day of wedded bliss to OK! Magazine for a sum reported to be around $300,000. Now that money goes strictly to her, none of it goes to our man, Lamar. But, according to TMZ, now Lamar wants a prenup. The only thing is that it has to be done by Sunday (that's when the wedding is) and that they have to get married on Sunday. That has something to do with one of the companies that actually puts money into one of the reality shows that Khloe is on (yes, I believe that, by some inexplicable miracle, she has more than one) is footing the bill for the one million dollar wedding, but only if they get married on Sunday. If they postpone it, deal's off.


And by the way, Lamar is 30 and his bride-to-be is 25. Neither of them have been married before, but Lamar did "spend time with" another woman for at least ten years, otherwise known as "long enough to father three children with her". It's unclear to me exactly when the relationship between Lamar and Lisa Morales ended, but here's a photo of her, compliments of TMZ. Behold!

Lamar's bachelor party was to be hosted by none other than Girls Gone Wild founder Joe Francis. According to the invite, the party would have featured "stripper poles, midgets and tons of candy". OK, then. Sounds classy, which must have had something to do with why he ended up cancelling it. Probably a wise move. I don't think that it's a good idea to start your marriage off as you're recovering from a night which involved the preannounced appearance of midgets. It's a bad omen. Everywhere.


So here's my question: I haven't checked the Vegas lines yet, but doesn't there have to be an Over/Under bet on how long this marriage lasts? I'll take the Unders, thanks. I'm willing to put up at least $100 that it lasts for under a year and at least $50 that it lasts for under six months. Unless, of course, she turns up preggers and then all bets are off. Had I not known that he had already fathered a gaggle of kids, I might have bet pretty heavily on his marrying Khloe out of paternal obligation (regardless of the fact that it's practically unheard of these days, not to mention seemingly non-existent in the NBA). But since that doesn't seem to be the case, I'm holding off on that one. But I am predicting doom and disaster, ie: divorce. Soon.

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