Sunday, September 13, 2009

No, You Lie!


Listen, if you're going to lie to me, at least do it in a way that it doesn't seem like you think that I am completely stupid, all right? I mean, no one wants to be lied to (yet it happens incessantly at times), but the times when you know that the other person is lying? Don't you want them to at least put forth the effort to make it a good lie? Don't you want them to at least try to lie in a way that sounds sort of believable? Because if they don't, if they just give you some completely implausible story and do so with a straight face as if you're just expected to believe it no matter how unlikely it may be, doesn't it just make you feel like the other person thinks that you're so dumb that you'll believe anything? That's why I prefer a lie with a little substance. Don't get me wrong, I'll still think that you're a sneaky weasel whether your lie is creative or not, but as long as there's some substance to the story you're weaving, I'll at least know you know that I'm paying attention.

I don't like to think the stereotype that all politicians lie is a reality. I'd rather not believe and/or think that all politicians or even the majority of politicians lie. But the more attention I pay to these sorts of things, the more I realize that, sadly, the majority of them are just disingenuous, two faced, self-serving a-holes. A-holes who really think highly of their own act, might I add. And if they're caught in a compromising situation, whether it be physically or simply immorally or unethically, that's when the stretching of the truth (if there is even any to be found) really gets cranked up a notch. Rod Blagojevich is one of those kind of guys. Mike Duvall is definitely another one of those kind of guys.

Mike Duvall, a freshly resigned Republican Assemblyman has just recently popped up on the lying, self-centered A-hole radar. This guy is a piece of work. You want to talk about someone who is pleased with himself, this is the guy. He's so pleased that he feels the need to brag about his sexual conquests to his fellow lawmakers during some committee hearing back in July. And by "brag" I mean "give lurid and graphic details to your co-workers about every physical aspect of the bodily functions during pre- and post- coital activities." Ugh. Oh, yeah, and he's married. That's right. Married. So he's Married-Guy-Who-Cheats-On-His-Wife-And-Tells-Everyone-All-About-The-Sex Guy. We, as a society in general, find that type of guy loathsome. That's the kind of guy who will brag to anyone that they can back into a corner (because no one really wants to listen). In this particular instance though, the thing was that he thought that he was bragging just to his constituents, but at that particular hearing he happened to be in front of a live microphone. Awkward.

And while I don't think that I could or would ever claim this to be a family values blog here, even I can draw a line in the sand, not necessarily to distinguish between what is appropriate and what isn't, but moreso to acknowledge that there are legitimate instances which can really make folks uncomfortable. The sort of things that Mike Duvall was saying to the guy next to him (who, oddly, just sat there quietly throughout his boastful tale of prowess; whereas I would have called the guy a perv and told him (albeit nicely) to kindly shut the hell up) were just crude and disgusting. They rate far beyond a PG-13 rating. They're not even tame enough for an R rating. His comments could be rated N-O, as in NO ONE wants to hear that. Thus, I'm linking to the sordid part of his yarns over at TPM. You want disgusting and vile sex talk, you click. Otherwise you'll just have to put up with my paraphrasing the tamer parts. Onward!

The following are some of the highlights of the revelations from the sexcapades which Mike Duvall was sharing with the guy next to him during that ill fated hearing. Well, sharing with him and with the live mike. And with the rest of the world (at this point). It's now assumed, if not known, that the female in reference (again, allegedly) is "...a lobbyist who does business before his chief committee", according to the AP. They frown upon that sort of thing in the Capital. But more on her in a minute. Other things they frown on would be things like....:

...."So, I am getting into spanking her. Yeah, I like it. I like spanking her. She goes, 'I know you like spanking me.' I said, 'Yeah! Because you're such a bad girl!'"

...."She wears little eye-patch underwear."

...."So, the other day she came here with her underwear, Thursday. And
 so, we had made love Wednesday--a lot...."

OK, I think that's enough. You see what kind of a guy he is, right? (Eye-patch underwear?? Is she a pirate? Argh! Those are some might nice undergarments ye are sportin' are yer booty! Argh!)Yeah. He's that guy. And I will guarantee you that he thinks that he's a completely different kind of that guy. He thinks that he's Mr. Cool-I-Cheat-On-My-Wife-And-Everyone-Knows-Because-I'm-So-Cool Guy. In reality, he's Mr. God-That-Guy's-An-A-Hole Guy. How do I know I'm right and he's wrong? Here's how:

Here's him:

Here's her:


Now, she's allegedly a lobbyist for an energy firm. Are you telling me that she just finds him attractive? That her and him have some sort of "special" connection? That he's her soulmate? I don't think you're telling me that. (If you are? Helmet. Now!) Come on! She sleeps with him, he votes the way she wants him to! He's older, he's fat, likely pasty white, probably sweats profusely, and just has that creepy guy look to him. Who is going to voluntarily and with no ulterior motives or unsaid agreements get beneath that while he (that) sweats on top of them for two minutes? Just because she likes him? Fat chance (pun totally intended).

Yo, Mr. Duvall! Think back for a moment. Think about all of the times when the two of you would hook up in Sacramento. Tell me, was there ever a time when she did not drink? How about a time when she did not drink herself into oblivion? How many drinks did it take her on the average in order for her to be able to just let you do whatever it is that you do? I'm guessing quite a few. If she was ever sober with you, I'd be surprised. Not as surprised as she would have been, but surprised none the less. My point? You're far from as cool as you think you are.

Which brings me to his blatant, blatant lie. Mr. Duvall ended up resigning the next day. The resignation was true. He did resign. His reasons for resigning are lies. Total lies. And I think he expects the stupid, stupid public (some so stupid that they voted for him) to believe him when he says these things. According to his website, the heading reads: "Assemblyman Duvall Denies Reports that he Had Affair" (That's exactly how it appears over there, by the way. Was he saving that capital letter 'T' and capital letter 'H' for something else? I guess he won't be getting a new job as a copy editor.)

And drum roll please.....: "I want to make it clear that my decision to resign is in no way an admission that I had an affair or affairs. My offense was engaging in inappropriate story-telling and I regret my language and choice of words. The resulting media coverage was proving to be an unneeded distraction to my colleagues and I resigned in the hope that my decision would allow them to return to the business of the state." Um, what now?

You didn't have an affair?!!? I'm pretty sure that you did! So you're going to resign from your cushy lawmaker job because you didn't have an affair? I don't think you are! And please! You wanted to allow your colleagues to return to the business of the state? Wow. He's quite the gentleman isn't he? NO!! NO!! Have you been paying attention? California is a steaming pile of excrement these days! They're not paying attention to the business of the state! Perhaps instead of engaging in your 'creative storytelling' there, Aesop, maybe you should have been paying attention in those meetings so that you could see that the "business of the state" is screwed!

But look at how he worded his carefully worded statement. He says that it is "in no way an admission", but he doesn't say that it is a denial! He's not saying he did it, but he's not saying that he did NOT do it, either! Just because you don't give an "admission" of guilt does not automatically mean that you are giving a denial! If he didn't have an affair, wouldn't he have just SAID so?! Of course he would have! But he didn't because he DID! But we're supposed to believe...what?! What are we supposed to believe?! That he's the sort of guy who just makes up sexual exploits and shares these encounters with anyone who will give him the time of day or breathe in the same airspace as he does? That he's so proud of his erotic story telling and his ability to craft a raunchy yarn at any given moment that he even engages in such behaviors at work?!? No ONE makes up crap with the details that he put in there! NO ONE! And if they do, they should be immediately placed into a vehicle and whisked off to the closest mental institution for indefinite treatment.


It makes me wonder, how stupid is your wife, sir? What about your grown children? Are they stupid? Even if your answer is 'maybe' or 'a little', they're still going to see right through this one! Everyone can! And yet you still said it! Way to go, you disgusting, perverted coward.

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