Thursday, September 3, 2009


Are you familiar with the Duggar family? They're the folks over in Arkansas who have a rather large family. We're not talking Brady Bunch or Eight is Enough or anything that amateurish. No, the Duggars would be more like Eighteen is Enough. Only it isn't. Enough, that is.

Meet Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar. Jim Bob, 44, and Michelle, 43, live in Arkansas and are the parents of eighteen children. On purpose. I don't know why exactly. Something about blessings and gifts from God or something like that. I don't quite get how being the host to an alien creature living in your body for nine months before it forcefully expels itself through your uterus in a process akin to that of shoving a pot roast through your nostril can be called "a blessing", but to each their own? I guess? (Why are God's "gifts" always children? Why can't God's "gifts" be regular gifts? Like iPods and Playstation 3s?)

While I can't imagine that it's the best thing in the world to have a family that large, I can't imagine it's the worst thing in the world, either. On top of that, the Duggars are totally self sufficient and do not rely on any sort of assistance from any governmental or charitable entity. And while I may hate to admit it, aside from the prairie-dress fashion that they seem to sport, they seem rather normal. As normal as you can be when you're living a life that's quite similar to that of being permanently assigned to a dorm or barrack, that is.

So Michelle gave birth to Jordyn-Grace on December 18, 2008, an appropriate date for the eighteenth child of the family. (Eighteen. Good Lord.) Most people who have heard of these folks had probably just barely started to wrap their head around THAT concept when BAM! Next thing you know, number 19 is on the way. Wait. What?

Correct. Michelle Duggar is now pregnant with number 19, now a mere 9 months after shooting out number 18. She is apparently due in March of 2010 (which is the next time that I go to the dentist. See the difference here? Yeah.) OK, so...let's see...had the 18th in December....due in March....9 months gestation...subtract the 2...carry the one....June! They did it in June! SIX months after giving birth, she's pregnant again. AND is happy about it. Most folks? Ready to hurl themselves off of a cliff, that would be correct. But not these folks. Nope. Happy. Go figure.

Man, Jim Bob must have sperm that are like the Michael Phelps of the reproductive world. (Why, yes, I do picture them with little goggles and swim caps. Why?) And Michelle's eggs must make for easy targets. As big as barn doors from the perspective of the begoggled spermatozoas, that is.

The Duggars have two sets of twins in that mix: 19-year olds Jana and John-David and 10-year olds Jedidiah and Jeremiah. (Did I mention that all 18 of the kids have names that start with the letter "J"? I didn't? They do. All of them. Joshua, 21; Jill, 18; Jessa, 16; Jinger, 15; Joseph, 14; Josiah, 13; Joy-Anna, 11; Jason, 9; James, 8; Justin, 6; Jackson, 5; Johanna, 3; Jennifer, 2, and Jordyn-Grace, 8 months.) So that means that with the 18 kids, she's only been pregnant 14 times. That's a total of 126 months!

That's twelve and a half years!

Holy canoli! That's a ridiculously long time to be pregnant! But then I started thinking about it and what if Michelle Duggar wasn't human (and after 19 pregnancies, I realize that one could actually wonder, but we have to assume that she is). And with a little help from
MSN Encarta, I've realized it would be a frightening, not to mention crowded, scenario. But if she were the right kind of animal, it could definitely free up some space over there.

A few of the animals that have much longer gestation periods than humans are the the Asian elephant (645 days), the sperm whale (490 days), the giraffe (430 days), and the Bactrian camel (410 days). So she'd only have about 6 Asian elephant children right now and around 8 sperm whale children not to mention about 9 giraffe kids and 9 Bactrian camels. Get that woman an ark! NOW!

But the problem would arise if she were an animal with a much, much, MUCH shorter gestation period than the nine months that humans have. What if she were a finch? A finch has a gestation period of only ELEVEN days. ELEVEN! That's not even TWO weeks! The Olympics lasts longer than a finch pregnancy! You can't even get through the song "The 12 Days of Christmas" if you're a pregnant finch! You would have NO drummers drumming!

A cryin' shame that would be. It would also be about 415 finches! It would be almost an equal number of opossums as well, as their gestation period is 12 days. Mice incubate other mice for between 19 and 21 days, which would produce 228 mice, almost 13 for every Duggar child. And that same amount of time could see the production of 218 chipmunks, 152 rabbits, 130 squirrels and 108 kangaroos! (Kangaroos only have a 42 day pregnancy. 42 days! I'm guessing it has something to do with the pouch, but I'm not sure what exactly. Maybe after 42 days just the head pokes out and the rest keeps on growing in the pouch? Yes, I'm totally speculating! I know nothing!) There could also be 72 raccoons, 71 wolves, 65 mink and 51 pumas. You're gonna need another ark.

All I can say really is that as long as the Duggars can support themselves, so be it. Enjoy! Have a good time! I can't remember what it is exactly that they do for their money, but they seem to have enough of it to raise their 18 kids. Maybe they need some sort of a family business. Something all of the kids could participate in. Maybe like a Starbucks or something. First, they're going to need a location with a lot of traffic. Hey, I know! Michelle's uterus.

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Jessica said...

bahahahah this made me laugh

Mare said...

Excellent! That's what I'm going for here. Laughs.

Thanks for reading! I appreciate it.

~ Mare

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