Monday, September 7, 2009

WTF Monday - Tattoo Edition

If you're, say....eight years old, you're going to think that just about anything would make a cool tattoo. Doesn't matter what it is, as long as it isn't a picture of one of your siblings, it would be cool. It could be a tattoo of a worm, multiplication tables, the family goldfish, any of those would be cool and do you know why? Because you're eight, that's why! Fortunately, for reasons just described, you can't get a tattoo when you're eight. I'm assuming you'd have to have parental permission for that to happen. Now all we have to do is to hope that some of the individuals pictured below have not yet procreated because just from looking at the tattoos that they chose to get, one can tell that good judgment is not exactly their strong suit.

I'll start with the always perplexing facial tattoo. And I mean facial! I'm not just talking about one of those stupid teardrops or permanent eyeliner (good Lord...) or anything like that. I'm talking about the facial tattoo, as in the whole face. Behold!

This is the sort of tattoo that is not only frightening, but also just steeped in irony. This man appears to be the walking propaganda machine for the Oakland Raiders. It even says "PROPERTY OF RAIDERS" there across his face and the bridge of his nose. Reading downward on his cheeks it says "COMMITMENT TO EXCELLENCE", with the "TO" being on his chin. You might not be able to see where his eyebrows are supposed to be that it says "Looks are deceiving". In this case, I don't think that they are! Not at all! I don't feel the least bit deceived. I have a pretty good idea of just what kind of a person you are, sir. I think I find the "COMMITMENT TO EXCELLENCE" so darned funny because since 2002, the Oakland Raiders are the losingest team in the NFL. See, my idea of "excellence" involves winning! Their record is so abhorrent that it's entirely possible they could go the entire upcoming season without winning a single game!

But really, I think it's the bullet holes on his forehead that really make the whole thing just pop! Just a teeny splash of color, something a little different, a nice touch. Or something. If he was going for variety, well, that's commendable, but might I recommend something other than tattooing what seems like every number that there is on his head as well. We get it. There are a lot of Raiders players that wore a lot of different numbers. We get it. But it gets to a certain point, and this gentleman is far past that point, where the part about the jersey number gets lost and it just looks like numbers. But hey, he can do what he wants. He's not my property! It says so! Right there on his face.

Now here we have a wom...we have a we have someone who is sporting a yin-yang tattoo. The yin and the yang....a little bit of this in with a whole lot of's all supposed to balance out or something. And how appropriate that the, um, person sporting this tattoo seems to have a little bit of this and a little bit of that all entwined into being! (Actually, I think that this he/she person is channeling David Lee Roth.)

People also like to express themselves via the tattoo medium with a variety of words. I'm thinking that some of these folks might want to start off with a tattoo of a freaking dictionary. From the folks over at we this this meaty individual sporting some sort of a happy reaper-esque figure that appears to be headed for the middle east with that head covering there. Since the proportions seem to be off, it's hard to tell if the figure is reaching out or if the figure is reaching, um, downward. Judging from the girth of the individual and also from the content of the tattoo itself, not to mention the unfortunate spelling in the title "YOUR MINE", I think that we can safely conclude that it's downward. I wonder how many days in a row he had to leave his parent's basement in order to get the tattoo done.

Again, she should have started with a tattoo of a dictionary. Perhaps a picture dictionary, just to get the ball rolling. Now she opted for the difficult to read upon first glance script for the lettering, so hopefully most folks won't catch that it reads "BEAUTIFUL TRADGEDY". Oh, it's a tragedy all right, but certainly not a very beautiful one.

This gent here, ironically enough, has the word "HUNGRY" tattooed across an area which would seem to indicate that he is not "HUNGRY" very often. Look, if you're going to do something all artsy like this, at least pick better images to do it with. This is just a mess. He's got a carrot and an ear of corn for the "H". Ooohhh! Manly! Then more vegetables for the "U". He has candy canes and one of those peppermint things that your grandmother always had in her purse. And then for the "G" he opted to go with salt and pepper shakers hovering over a big bowl of...what is that? Is that a penis? That can't be right! A bowl of penis?! UN-seasoned penis?! I don't think that's right at all. Why would he have a penis in a bowl tattooed on his stomach? You know what? Forget I mentioned it. This is a little weird. (Seriously, dude. WTF?) Oh, and a side note: The hologram belt buckle? Nice touch.

Jesus, I don't even know where to start with this one. There appears to be a pretty heavy Star Wars theme going on here. But then there is so much other stuff interspersed with it all that it's really hard to tell where it starts and where it ends. We have "COURTNEY" spelled out in baby blocks, which is really an odd choice for lettering that's hanging over an exploding Death Star, but whatever. Then two hands which are clearly not the same size. I'm not sure if they belong to the same individual or if there is some sort of patriotic amputees in outer space organization that this person belongs to or what, but it's strange. Not to mention the ankh in the middle of them. What's that all about? But here's where it starts to get weird. At the bottom, it was as if the tattoo artist had asked her, "What are three words that you would say describe yourself?" And it was as if she answered, "Daughter. Country. Star Wars." Then they were just jotted onto the bottom there so that she wouldn't forget. (By the way, when there is nothing else in the design that has a camouflage pattern to it, making the word "COUNTRY" camouflaged really doesn't hide it from anyone! We all see it! It's right there!)

At least with the ones above you can almost get an idea of what they were thinking when they decided to "enhance" their bodies with a permanent tattoo. Some of these below however? No clue. None. Bets. Maybe they all lost a bet. I don't know, but they are mind boggling.

Take this unsavory looking character with a Hello Kitty head in the middle of his forehead. Behold!

See? Inexplicable. All I know is that if this guy hadn't ever had sex before the Hello Kitty head was inked into his forehead, he probably shouldn't be planning on ever having sex from this point on. It's just not going to happen. (Are those the Pac-Man characters on his neck?! I think they are!) Seriously. No chick is ever going to sleep with this guy. It's not like his chances seemed all that good BEFORE the Hello Kitty addition anyway. But I'm just sayin', his chances are completely shot now!

Here's a tattoo that gives information that other might have previously not had. For example, did YOU know that Chewbacca was Italian? ME neither! How do you suppose this guy knew?! You'd think I would have caught that in at least ONE of the movies!

But here's where things start to get really strange. I can't imagine for the life of me what the story is behind this tattoo, but if you have any clue, please let me know. It's things like this that keep me up at night. Behold!

Maybe the guy is the heir to Office Depot? Maybe the first time he got laid he did it in a leather office chair? I don't know. I can't even begin to guess (anymore). It's just so odd. was really odd. Until I saw....this: Behold!

Um.....WTF is that? Is that the outline of one of those plastic lawn chairs? Wow. I was wrong. It's stuff like this that keeps me up at night.

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grannyann said...

Please check this out and pass it on.

Sassy said...

The chair is an Eames lounge chair, considered a design classic. Not sure why you'd get it as a tattoo, but certainly classier than the plastic outdoor chair.
Hope that helps!

Mare said...

Sassy, after your identifying the chair as an Eames lounge chair, I did some reading on Charles Eames. Interesting guy with lots of innovative designs. I still don't know why in the world anyone would get a tattoo of a chair, but I guess maybe it was in homage to the great designer? Regardless, it's definitely better than the plastic chair, indeed.

Moira said...

man I would really like to see a picture of that hello kitty guy as a kid I bet he was super cute and sweet looking ( hair??)his relatives must think it's weird

Mare said...

I don't know if his relatives think it's weird (though why wouldn't they), but I certainly do.

The only thing I can think of that would explain something like that would be alcohol. I'm guessing alcohol was definitely involved in the decision to have Hello Kitty inked on his forehead.

Thanks for reading!

~ Mare