Wednesday, September 9, 2009

The List of Non Performing Performers

Just in case you've been waiting with baited breath for the announcement of who will be headlining or even just performing at the latest Michael Jackson tribute concert, you can breathe once again. The day of the announcement is finally here! Well, most of the announcement is finally here. Sort of. A little. Hey, he got up there and shouted out names, what more do you want?!

The oft procreating Jermaine Jackson had announced that he was organizing a tribute concert for his newly deceased brother (a la ingesting enough tranquilizers to sedate an elephant), Michael Jackson. He decided to hold the concert in Vienna (yes, that Vienna! The one that is NOT in the US.) at the Schoenbrunn Palace because, according to Jermaine, "Michael loved castles." Now, I don't necessarily know if when most people hear the name "Michael Jackson" that they automatically think of his love of castles. Unless "castles" is some sort of euphemism, in which case, Oh! Castles! I gotcha!

My theory on having Vienna for the location of the concert is that it will be more difficult to track down and trace all of the money pocketed from the fraud that Jermaine is about to perpetuate. Now I'm not saying there isn't going to be a concert. Granted, I have my doubts, but that's not what I'm saying. I'm saying that when one of the "important charities and worthy causes" that will directly benefit from this concert just happens to be "Jermaine’s own EARTH CARE FOUNDATION whose goal is to ease, as well as hopefully eliminate, the suffering of children around the world." The problem with that is the mere existence of the Earth Care Foundation is questionable at best. There doesn't seem to be any documentation of its existence other than in Jermaine's head. But apparently if you stick the name "Michael Jackson" on any product or service, people just go completely ape dung over it and rush to get in line for whatever it is. That's why Jermaine has been getting away with promoting this concert under a premise that I don't believe I can recall having been used before.

I'm calling the premise the "Wait and See Method". Also known as "Stalling". Commonly referred to by the person utilizing the method as "I hope I can pull this off and not get killed by the angry mob." When this concert was announced back in June (I don't even think that Jacko was cold yet before Jermaine was off to foreign lands, touring prospective castle venues), there wasn't even a lineup to announce along with the announcement. Then in August, a few details were leaked out. I use the term "details" extremely loosely, as it was still all a "maybe they will, maybe they won't" format when trying to nail down who would be performing at this thing other than Jermaine!

According to Entertainment Daily, Georg Kindel of World Awards Media GmbH was quoted in August as saying that "...Jermaine is assembling the lineup of about 10 “of the biggest artists of our time.” Uh-huh. When "Austrian media reported that Madonna, U2, Lionel Richie and Whitney Houston might be among the artists performing" and Kindel was asked to confirm that, he replied, "I don’t even know myself who will take the stage." Um, aren't you the promoter? Shouldn't you know things like that? I'm thinking you should!

But for the benefit of the doubt, let's say he's telling the truth (and he could very well be) and it's Jermaine who is doing all of the booking and negotiating or whatever it is that they do to organize these things. Tell me, since when has Jermaine Jackson had such pull with the "10 biggest artists of our time"? Just curious. I must have missed that part or something because I haven't heard the name "Jermaine Jackson" 10 times in the last ten years. Now suddenly everyone who is anyone in the music business is his BFF? I don't think they are!

When Madonna's people were asked to confirm that she would be performing, her people said that she was touring and would not be appearing at the castle. Whitney Houston's people said something similar, only without the touring part. Thus, they said "no" also. So why would anyone be planning a huge concert and then start announcing names of performers who they haven't even talked to, let alone booked?! Because they can. It says so right on the tribute website: "This website does not intend to convey the impression that the artists and personalities depicted here within have agreed to participate in the said event in any way, shape or form. " Wait. What now?

It's a website promoting the tribute concert for Michael Jackson. Who else, other than either Michael Jackson OR people who are going to perform at the tribute concert, would be depicted?? It's not like it's Wikipedia with a little of something for everyone. No, it's a tribute concert website where it should be showing you who is going to be doing all of the tribute-ing! That's why they would be depicted at all in the first place! And that's probably the reason why Jermaine has continued along the lines of announcing a lineup whose participants have absolutely no idea, and in a lot of cases, no intention of performing in Vienna.

So yesterday, Jermaine announced the lineup. Here we go. Here are the participants which we were led to believe would be the 10 biggest artists of our time. Ready.....?

  • Akon
  • Angela Bassett
  • Chris Brown
  • Mary J. Blige
  • Natalie Cole
  • Sister Sledge
  • US5 (German boy band)

Wait a minute. What happened to the lineup for the tribute concert? Those can't be the headliners. Those are just a bunch of names. I have yet to see a top ten artist in there. (What's with the German boy band? US5? Never heard of them. Are they German or are the from the US? Make up your mind!) What now? What do you mean that's them?!?! Angela Bassett?? She doesn't sing! Oh, sure, she played Tina Turner in that one movie, but that was a movie! She isn't really Tina Turner!

And good idea to have a guy who beats up women in there as well. Chris Brown. What a loser. Good idea, put him on a stage thousands of miles away from people who would like nothing better than to give him just a little bit of what he gave Rihanna.

And Sister Sledge? Really? Have they had a hit since 1979's "We Are Family"? When Jermaine mentioned the "top ten artists" did he mean from the current decade? I guess I assumed he did. Apparently, I was wrong. Wow.

That lineup, while not, um, horrible? While not horrible, it is hardly what I would have expected given the hype of it all. Thus, I think that the lineup is absolutely terrible considering that (wait for it) Chris Brown and Mary J. Blige say that they are not performing in the show. Wait. What now?

Correct. Chris Brown and Mary J. Blige and not performing. Yes, yes, I know the Jermaine just said that they were performing. But they're the performers and they say that they're not performing. But don't worry! According to the AP, after obvious displeasure and disappointment was heard from members of the press covering the announcement of anyone whose name Jermaine felt like throwing out there, Jermaine told the reporters, "We're very excited — the list is growing more and more (with)....many major Bollywood names and artists from the Middle East also would be involved." WTH?

Bollywood? The Middle East? That excites you, Jermaine? Bollywood? What would be a "major name" from the Middle East? Saddam Hussein? That's all I've got. Are you kidding me? Where are the real artists, like Madonna and U2? According to a defensive Georg Kindel, "This is not the final lineup — maybe some of the names you mentioned you will hear within the next couple of days." Yes, but will we hear those names in association with them playing at the tribute? Of course not. Because this is the biggest scam ever. And what's killing me is that people are buying the whole deal.

Why are there not more questions about this thing? Why isn't someone in the media looking into Jermaine's "foundation" (which will likely prove to be about as authentic as George Costanza's "Human Fund" and their slogan "Money for People") and what they've accomplished? They should! Because they will learn that it's just a scam. That it doesn't exist. That Jermaine is going to pocket millions of dollars for a concert whose main performers might very well end up being Dr. Teeth and the Electric Band!

But if someone were to investigate it, I would highly doubt that it would be the AP. And even if it was the AP, I don't know that they are capable of putting together that sort of a story. I base that assumption on this sentence from the article cited above: "Over the course of the evening, Jermaine will sing a duet with his late brother, probably with video of Michael to be projected onto nearby walls." ::::blink ::::: :::: blink :::::

Probably? Probably?! Really?! You think that in order for Jermaine to sing a duet with his late brother, that they will probably use video of Michael?! Really?! They're not going to exhume his ol' bones and have him strung up like some sort of a marionette?! Video? Really? Way to go, AP. Way to go.

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