Sunday, September 20, 2009

They Call It Dumpster Love

So tell me something. Are there NO hotel rooms in Wichita, Kansas? Is there such a need for some sort of personal privacy in Wichita that folks must resort to areas designed to collect public refuse? I'm only asking because there HAS to be some sort of explanation that I am completely missing as to why on earth a couple, a man and a woman, would both be WILLINGLY inside of a public trash dumpster. And not just in the dumpster hanging out or having a cup of coffee together whilst they peruse the morning paper. No, this is a couple who is willingly in the dumpster because they are willingly going to have willing sex with each other! A scenario to which I can only say EWWWW!

Seriously. It's a dumpster. People throw God only knows what in there. Actually, I take that back. God isn't the only one who knows what gets thrown in there. You've thrown things in there. I've thrown things in there. WE know what we throw! And a lot of it is downright gross! Now don't get me wrong, it's not as if I've never been in the throws of physical romantic passion before because I have! (A couple of times even with another person!) So I understand that physical burning, pressing, extremely urgent urge to get things going right THEN! But if right THEN the only option for THAT was a dumpster? I think that if I even briefly considered it for a split second that I'd really find myself feeling a need to go off to some remote area by myself for a while and take good, hard look at my priorities in life. Granted, if I were in Wichita at this point, I might realize that I should have done that a long time ago, but better late than never, right?

As if your life isn't at a low enough point to where you find yourself engaged in dumpster sex, it CAN get worse. And for this couple, it certainly did. See, after they were riding dirty (excuse the pun, I had to throw one in somewhere) what do you think happened? That's right. The police showed up. But the REASON the police showed up is only because THEY CALLED the police! Because they had just been ROBBED! Wait. What now?

Correct. They were ROBBED while having sex in a dumpster! (I guess they didn't have one of those "If this dumpster's a rockin', don't come a-knockin' " stickers on the outside of it.) According to the account of this tryst gone bad over there at, "the man and woman, both 44, crawled into the trash container for privacy." 44 years old and crawling into a trash can to be alone with your man. Woman! What is WRONG with you?! Is that the best you can do? Really? Bumping ugly with Oscar the Grouch? That makes me a little bit sad.

The article continues detailing the unfortunate events as "A short time later, a 59-year-old man and his 64-year-old companion interrupted the couple inside the trash container." OK, then. So, are they actually IN the dumpster WITH the amorous couple? Or what? They just poked their heads up over the edge? I don't get how this worked, exactly. And what on earth made these "robbers" even think for ONE second that people who are INSIDE of a trash receptacle would have earthly possessions worthy of stealing?! They're in the TRASH for cryin' out loud! Did you mistake a shiny object on their shopping cart of possessions as some sort of bling (when in reality it was just a pop top from a soda can)? Why would you think they had anything to take?

And that last sentence just goes to show MY ignorance as to what kind of people fornicate like beasts inside a public receptacle for garbage because the "robbers" apparently managed to get away with "shoes, jewelry and the 44-year-old man's wallet." Um, I'm guessing they didn't get much jewelry. But here's the reason why:

We now go to David, an employee working at the Four Aces Smoke and Liquor store where the whole thing got started. According to the information provided by, David said that one of the guys was "a regular customer" and that he "...had been flirting with a 44-year-old woman all day Saturday. But she persistently rebuffed his advances." Um, wait.

All day? Persistently rebuffed his advances ALL DAY? At the Four Aces Smoke and Liquor store? Who in the hell hangs out around the Four Aces Smoke and Liquor store all the live long day? People who have sex in dumpsters and people who rob them, apparently.

David said that when the guy "... saw her cozying up to another man and then leave with him, the guy "got jealous." David surmises it was because "...he didn't get the attention he wanted." Well, he will definitely get some sort of attention when he pops in on them in the dumpster while they're canoodling amongst the rubbish, that's for sure. But that's the point when that guy "...recruited a companion" and went on a hunt for the woman who rejected him. Him. The sort of man that isn't up to her standards of the sort of guy she's willing to have dumpster sex with. Sir, I'd say you're one lucky man. Now put down that damned pocketknife and go home. Oh, damn. I said go home. You can assume he didn't hear me.

As far as what was "stolen" from the frolicking couple, the booty consisted of "the man's identification card, a plastic pouch, cash and his black-and-white Converse tennis shoes." Where's the jewelry? Oh, I guess that for people that have sex in dumpsters "a plastic pouch" constitutes jewelry? We'll say that it does. The woman, apparently, didn't have anything of high enough value for the men to steal from her. Go figure.

David said that the reason the men were apprehended so quickly was because "All the cops know all these people pretty well...and the descriptions offered by the victims gave them a good idea of who may have been responsible." Nice area, eh? You know who the folks are who robbed you while you were having dumpster sex. Real nice. And as for the men themselves, why, they would be none other than "Eddie Whiters, 64, known at Four Aces as "Fast Eddie," and Marvin Moore, 59," no snappy nickname given.

Sir, if you are sixty four years old and going by the name of "Fast Eddie" and you are NOT Paul Newman but are instead a pocketknife wielding, liquor store hanging out, jealous kind of a guy, I'd suggest that you check yourself long and hard.

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