They Call It Dumpster Love

So tell me something. Are there NO hotel rooms in Wichita, Kansas? Is there such a need for some sort of personal privacy in Wichita that folks must resort to areas designed to collect public refuse? I'm only asking because there HAS to be some sort of explanation that I am completely missing as to why on earth a couple, a man and a woman, would both be WILLINGLY inside of a public trash dumpster. And not just in the dumpster hanging out or having a cup of coffee together whilst they peruse the morning paper. No, this is a couple who is willingly in the dumpster because they are willingly going to have willing sex with each other! A scenario to which I can only say EWWWW!

Seriously. It's a dumpster. People throw God only knows what in there. Actually, I take that back. God isn't the only one who knows what gets thrown in there. You've thrown things in there. I've thrown things in there. WE know what we throw! And a lot of it is downright gross! Now don't get me wrong, it's not as if I've never been in the throws of physical romantic passion before because I have! (A couple of times even with another person!) So I understand that physical burning, pressing, extremely urgent urge to get things going right THEN! But if right THEN the only option for THAT was a dumpster? I think that if I even briefly considered it for a split second that I'd really find myself feeling a need to go off to some remote area by myself for a while and take good, hard look at my priorities in life. Granted, if I were in Wichita at this point, I might realize that I should have done that a long time ago, but better late than never, right?

As if your life isn't at a low enough point to where you find yourself engaged in dumpster sex, it CAN get worse. And for this couple, it certainly did. See, after they were riding dirty (excuse the pun, I had to throw one in somewhere) what do you think happened? That's right. The police showed up. But the REASON the police showed up is only because THEY CALLED the police! Because they had just been ROBBED! Wait. What now?

Correct. They were ROBBED while having sex in a dumpster! (I guess they didn't have one of those "If this dumpster's a rockin', don't come a-knockin' " stickers on the outside of it.) According to the account of this tryst gone bad over there at Kansas.com, "the man and woman, both 44, crawled into the trash container for privacy." 44 years old and crawling into a trash can to be alone with your man. Woman! What is WRONG with you?! Is that the best you can do? Really? Bumping ugly with Oscar the Grouch? That makes me a little bit sad.

The article continues detailing the unfortunate events as "A short time later, a 59-year-old man and his 64-year-old companion interrupted the couple inside the trash container." OK, then. So, are they actually IN the dumpster WITH the amorous couple? Or what? They just poked their heads up over the edge? I don't get how this worked, exactly. And what on earth made these "robbers" even think for ONE second that people who are INSIDE of a trash receptacle would have earthly possessions worthy of stealing?! They're in the TRASH for cryin' out loud! Did you mistake a shiny object on their shopping cart of possessions as some sort of bling (when in reality it was just a pop top from a soda can)? Why would you think they had anything to take?

And that last sentence just goes to show MY ignorance as to what kind of people fornicate like beasts inside a public receptacle for garbage because the "robbers" apparently managed to get away with "shoes, jewelry and the 44-year-old man's wallet." Um, I'm guessing they didn't get much jewelry. But here's the reason why:

We now go to David, an employee working at the Four Aces Smoke and Liquor store where the whole thing got started. According to the information provided by Kansas.com, David said that one of the guys was "a regular customer" and that he "...had been flirting with a 44-year-old woman all day Saturday. But she persistently rebuffed his advances." Um, wait.

All day? Persistently rebuffed his advances ALL DAY? At the Four Aces Smoke and Liquor store? Who in the hell hangs out around the Four Aces Smoke and Liquor store all the live long day? People who have sex in dumpsters and people who rob them, apparently.

David said that when the guy "... saw her cozying up to another man and then leave with him, the guy "got jealous." David surmises it was because "...he didn't get the attention he wanted." Well, he will definitely get some sort of attention when he pops in on them in the dumpster while they're canoodling amongst the rubbish, that's for sure. But that's the point when that guy "...recruited a companion" and went on a hunt for the woman who rejected him. Him. The sort of man that isn't up to her standards of the sort of guy she's willing to have dumpster sex with. Sir, I'd say you're one lucky man. Now put down that damned pocketknife and go home. Oh, damn. I said go home. You can assume he didn't hear me.

As far as what was "stolen" from the frolicking couple, the booty consisted of "the man's identification card, a plastic pouch, cash and his black-and-white Converse tennis shoes." Where's the jewelry? Oh, I guess that for people that have sex in dumpsters "a plastic pouch" constitutes jewelry? We'll say that it does. The woman, apparently, didn't have anything of high enough value for the men to steal from her. Go figure.

David said that the reason the men were apprehended so quickly was because "All the cops know all these people pretty well...and the descriptions offered by the victims gave them a good idea of who may have been responsible." Nice area, eh? You know who the folks are who robbed you while you were having dumpster sex. Real nice. And as for the men themselves, why, they would be none other than "Eddie Whiters, 64, known at Four Aces as "Fast Eddie," and Marvin Moore, 59," no snappy nickname given.

Sir, if you are sixty four years old and going by the name of "Fast Eddie" and you are NOT Paul Newman but are instead a pocketknife wielding, liquor store hanging out, jealous kind of a guy, I'd suggest that you check yourself long and hard.

Sphere: Related Content

There's Someone For Everyone

I think I'm fairly convinced that there is someone out there for everyone. No matter what your little quirks may be, no matter how deranged you are, no matter if you're dumber than a box of hair, there is someone out there just for you, my friend! Just for you! And thanks to the wonderful invention of tubes and pipes that is otherwise known as the Internet, you actually have a fairly decent chance of finding that one person on the planet who will put up with your sorry ass. It doesn't matter what your interests are or what you, personally, are like, there are others out there like you. A passion for stamp collecting? They're out there. Crazy about model trains? They're out there. Fornicating with livestock? Unfortunately, they're out there too. (And from what I can tell, in disturbingly large numbers at that.) But the point is they're there! They're there and they're for you!

But alas, if only the Internet could always come to the rescue and salvation of those who need it the most. If it could have, things might have been different for at least two lives out there. Well, they were lives. Not so much anymore. And it's a shame. But they would have been perfect for each other with a capital 'P'. Per-fec-to.

A couple of weeks ago we heard the tale of a one Gordon Stewart who had died in his own home after becoming disoriented in the tunnels (yes, tunnels!) or garbage (yes, garbage!) that ran through his home (yes, his home!). He was unable to find his way out of his Habitrail of Refuse and, sadly, died in there. The man had a hard time parting with things, he did. He didn't throw anything away and always came home with more stuff. (That information gleaned from his neighbors who were less than helpful due to their inability to supply useful information during the interview process.) Bags upon bags and piles upon piles of stuff, stuff and more stuff.

Now, the mind of a hoarder is an interesting one. As you would imagine, it's very full in there! I don't know what it is that compels them to keep every single thing ever, to the point where they are crawling around through a maze-like structure in their own home as if it were some trash labyrinth over there in Greece (minus the Minotaur and naked warriors). Whatever it is, I'm sure that it's the same sort of compulsion that drives another sort of hoarder to shop and shop and keep on shopping. Right up until the inevitable, and in this case, deadly, little slogan comes to mind. That's right. Shop 'til you drop. Or until things drop on you. Either way, after it happens, you're dead. And buried. But not in the ground. No, underneath the stuff in your own house that fell on top of you and killed you. Wait. What?

Correct. Another death attributable to the inexplicable hoarding of more stuff than any one person (or any one small third world country) should ever have in their lifetime. Now, the Mail Online has taken to referring to a one 77-year old Joan Cunnane as "The Spinster Shopaholic". (I don't think I will be following suit, but figured I'd throw it in because, well, it is kinda funny.) And really, that sort of an unflattering moniker is really unnecessary as she's dead and not by what I would call "natural causes" either. No, this sweet looking older woman was crushed by a falling tower of suitcases in her home when she went into a way too full closet to look for God only knows what. What ever it was, she definitely didn't see the toppling suitcases right before they crushed her.

She had crammed so much crap into her bungalow that she only had a 2 foot wide path to get around. And as wrong as that sounds, I'm giving her credit for not having tunnels! That's a good thing! Naturally, she had a garage filled to the top with stuff AND she also took the extra step of having her CAR also piled full of stuff. Sort of like a portable storage unit.

Initially, when the cops went in they did not find her. (The neighbors became concerned because her car, which was usually tooling her off to purchase more items she didn't need, had sat in her driveway for a day. So that means that every single day she was off shopping and buying. Ugh. I can barely bring myself to leave the house to go Christmas shopping. I can't imagine going willingly every day. I'd have to shoot myself. Or wait until a stack of suitcases fell on to of me. Either one.) They couldn't find her why? Too much stuff, that is correct.

Now, I've been known to have a difficult time finding my car keys on occasion. Sometimes it's because the joint is a mess. (Sometimes it's because I'm a moron and my keys are in my pocket.) And it is frustrating as hell looking for a set of keys in a place that has more than 2 feet wide paths to walk through! And when they're found, they're usually next to something that has obscured my view. But they're keys! Little keys. The cops had their view so obscured in this lady's home that it didn't impair them from finding keys, it impaired them from finding HER. The lady! When you can't find a whole human being in your place, it's time to get a Swiffer or call Merry Maids or something because there's an issue!

When the cops initially could not find her "An expert search team and environmental health officers were also called in to help." Translation: Environmental Health = Hazmat. Also, "There was stuff in every room - it was so bad there were concerns about the police dogs going in." They think that they were concerned about the dogs going in? How do you think the dogs felt? They went in once and sniffed around and the dogs who are trained to sniff couldn't sniff her out from under all of that stuff. (Which kind of makes me wonder how effective these dogs are. Aren't they supposed to sniff things out that can't be seen? I don't need a sniffing dog to help me find someone that I can see! But if they can't find the ones I can't see, what good are they? Did they fire these dogs after this debacle?)

According to the name callers at the Mail Online, "The house was stacked with brand-new umbrellas, candles, ornaments, trinkets, clothes and electrical items, many of them unopened, as well as piles of videotapes." Videotapes? Good Lord, ma'am. Couldn't you have at least hoarded stuff from this century? DVDs perhaps? Maybe a cache of memory sticks? Did she have a pallet of Beta tapes also? Some 8-tracks (complete with all of the K-TEL collections)? Videotapes. Go figure.

A one Ray Moran, who describes himself as her closest friend (Translation: Probably doing it. Just on occasion! Nothing wrong with that.), said, "I think it just gave her pleasure to buy things - none of it was really essential. I once asked her how many scarves she had. She said she thought about 300. I asked her why she needed that many. She said they were all different colours." You think? You really think she enjoyed buying all of that stuff? You're sure she wasn't going out and willingly torturing herself every single day by buying stuff? Of course she enjoyed it! Why must people state the obvious or the ridiculous when quoted for these stories? Yes, we gathered she enjoyed shopping for things when we read she had been smashed by suitcases! We got it! (300 scarves? Was she learning how to do magic as well? Did they find a stash of "How To" books?)

It once took four hours and a neighbor's help to empty Ms. Cunnane's car out when it had to go have some work done. The neighbor said that, "There were six umbrellas, ornaments, pots, IKEA candle holders and an oil heater which was very heavy." (Enough with the weights and measures. Relevance? Oh, right. None! Stop it.)The neighbor also that that, "....Miss Cunnane was a deeply private lady who would not even open the door to the postman." Um, no. Not quite. Let me rephrase. Miss Cunnane was a lady who was embarrassed by the amount of stuff that she had purchased and would not open the door for the postman because she couldn't due to all of the stuff that was in the way. Yeah, it's amazing how people that are embarrassed or ashamed don't exactly go around advertising it and tend to withdraw away from others. (Which really doesn't sound like a bad idea, as most people are morons.)

Now, in the picture of her in her Deals on Wheels car there, I'm confused by what appears to be a backpack of some sort up against the windshield, on top of the steering wheel on the driver's side of the vehicle. Why is that there? What is it? How can she see? And while I'm at it, why was someone taking a picture of her in her car like that? Who does that?

The point here, other than never have so much stuff that the cops won't be able to find your body, is that this woman, this seemingly nice, friendly woman was lonely. And she went out shopping to fill that void. Why she couldn't just go out, look around and then go back home is beyond me. But if she had managed to hook up with the Mole Man, they would have been a match made in Hoarder's Heaven! Granted, there wouldn't have been a place big enough for the both of them and all of their stuff. And it's hard to say how she would take to all of the crawling around his place, but I highly doubt she'd be judgmental about it. She probably just would have been happy to have someone to talk to. These two would have been perfect. It's a shame they couldn't have hooked up whilst they were down here corralling their containers of crap.

What have we learned? I think we've learned that if you're going to hoard so much crap that it could eventually play a major role in your ultimate demise, always carry your cell phone with you. Oh, and check the Internet for other hoarders in your area because if you guys are lonely (and how could you not be, as you can't even make it out of your house in time to save your life!) I don't know how else you're ever going to find someone else that you can be comfortable with. (Actually, I don't know how you folks can ever get comfortable surrounded by thousands of videotapes. That makes me uncomfortable just thinking about it.)

The Internet. Is there anything it can't do?

Sphere: Related Content

Don't Study It! Pick It Up!

Well, fortunately or unfortunately, the US isn't the only country that wastes money on studies that are completely useless and unnecessary. I learned that after the fine folks over there across the pond at The Mail Online ran an article about the problem that England has with keeping it's streets clean and free of litter. Apparently, while the US is over here in financial turmoil waiting for the entire banking system to implode upon itself, England is thinking that they could be a little neater. Must be rough.

There was a government commissioned survey "of all 353 district councils in England" and it was performed by (get this) "the Keep Britain Tidy Campaign for the Department for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs." Did they run out of departments over there in England and so they just had to cram as many as they could into one? Rural affairs (Not sure what that entails. Unfaithful farmers, perhaps?), food AND the environment, all regulated together in perfect harmony (and given the oh-so-catchy acronym "DEFRA"). Or something like that. Seems like an odd combination to me, but so did Paul McCartney and Heather Mills. Let's hope that the rural-food-environment combo turns out better than that three legged union did.

According to the ridiculous report (the reason for the ridiculous tag will be obvious shortly), "The report found that all councils were judged to have fly-tipping and graffiti under control." I had no idea what fly-tipping was. I assumed it was like cow-tipping, only requiring much more fine motor coordination and dexterity. I was wrong. Fly-tipping is dumping garbage where you're not supposed to. Where they got "fly-tipping" out of that is beyond me. But where ever it came from, it seems to be under control if you're asking any of the people in that survey. If you're asking people who did not participate in that survey (such as myself), you might get a different answer.

Now, here's where the necessity of such a study comes into question. The study being to find out if there is a problem with litter in England. I'm assuming they went with a study because they didn't know if there was a problem or not. Below is a photo of a street in England that accompanied the story. Remember, they weren't sure if they had a problem with litter. Behold! The situation that they couldn't figure out without a study!

OK, England, WTF? You needed a study to figure out if the scene above had a problem with litter? Yeah, that one's a stumper all right. Hmmmm....I don't know. I can see why you went the scientific route there. Who knows? Hard to tell! NO! No it's not! That street is a disaster! You people are living like barbarians! Or animals! You're living like barbaric animals! What? You people don't have Hefty bags over there? For God sakes, have a little respect for yourselves, for cryin' out loud. That's disgusting.

Now according to someone from the Local Government Association, "'This sort of survey is important to bring these issues into the public consciousness, and help councils make the streets better for local people." Oh, good! I'm glad that's the reason, because I could see how an issue such as this could get LOST in one's consciousness (as they're climbing over heaps and heaps of garbage to get to their car). Yeah, the Brits would have forgotten all about that pesky trash problem if it hadn't been for the study to bring it to their attention! Thank goodness for government!

Speaking of the government, the Environment Minister (They have a Minister of the Environment over there? Everything has to have a fancy title if it's British, doesn't it?), a one Jonathan Shaw, stated, 'It's not just down to our local authorities - everyone has a part to play in keeping our streets clean - there's much more we can all do to cut down on litter." Do ya think?! Then he added, "'I hope this information will also encourage people to think more carefully about how they treat their local environment.' Yeah, because without this information, who knows what could happen? People might never know that they are living like what? Barbaric animals, that is correct.

But it's not like they don't have ANY cracking down on those who are contributing to the refuse-like conditions of the streets in England. Oh, no, they do fine individuals who are caught doing the littering. Here are some of the examples that The Mail Online provided for us:

See, if I had seen that before I went out and started commissioning a bunch of studies, I would have probably just suggested that those in charge of all the citing and all of the fining just not be so damned concerned with trivial minutiae (as shown above) and try and find those who are dumping large quantities of trash in inappropriate places. I mean, seriously, they're going to spend their time fining 2 children, a care worker and a 24-year old dude for an ice cream stick, an apple core, a French fry and two pieces of junk mail that were IN A TRASH CAN, and in exchange, the streets will look like they do. Fabulous.

Good plan there, England. How's that working for you? Oh, right. Yeah, I forgot that you'd probably need a study to figure it out. When you get the results back, let me know how it went. I'm sure I'll be shocked at the results. Or not. Yeah, probably not. Good luck with that.

Sphere: Related Content