Sunday, September 6, 2009

Lost & Hungry Dumbass Calls 911

For hell's sake, Florida! Get moving on that public awareness campaign explaining the appropriate uses for the 911 emergency system. Are there really THAT many dumbasses that think that 911 is for the everyday head scratchers that pop up from time to time? I mean, I realize that we're talking about Florida here, so I'm willing to cut them a little bit of slack on that merit alone, but I think folks have greatly underestimated the number of morons who live in Florida! If they don't get moving on some sort of way to spell out what sort of situation constitutes an emergency, they're going to continue to get calls from folks who are hungry.

Wait. Hungry? What now?

Correct. Hungry. Meet Benjamin Dewer. Behold!



Is he wearing mascara? You know what? Never mind. I don't want to know. According to the Sun-Sentinel, it would seem that Mr. Dewer, who hails from Delray Beach, Florida, called 911 around 1am on Wednesday because, as he said to the 911 operator who asked if he had an emergency, "I'm lost." He then elaborated a little bit with, "I don't know where the hell I'm at. I'm trying to figure out how to get back to Delray. I'm lost. I'm homeless. I haven't eaten in like...2 weeks. I, um, I just got pulled over by a cop before by a park. But I don't know what park it is. I don't know where the hell I'm at." (Considering that tattoo on the front of his neck says "NYC" it's no wonder he doesn't know where the hell he's at.)

Wow, 2 weeks! But wait a minute. If he's homeless, then technically he isn't really lost. He's home! I don't see the problem here. If you don't have a home to go to, it doesn't matter if you know where you are because that's your home! See, these things don't need to be so complicated! They're quite simple and can be solved without the help of the 911 system. But if you live in Florida, you're apparently under the impression that 911 is there to help you through life when it gets a little tricky. Like trying to find a SIGN which will tell you where you ARE. Dumbass.

The 911 operator (who was, like most of the 911 operators who take these calls, was a saint) asked him to look for a sign, to which he told her than when he looked to his left all he saw were "like trees and everything" and when he looked to his right it was a bunch of "houses....and stuff." Hard to pinpoint his location with only "trees" and "houses" and "stuff" as things that stand out to the lost one. (What did he think was going to happen? Was he expecting the 911 operator to reply, "Did you say 'stuff'? Trees and STUFF? I know EX-actly where that is! Sure. The trees and stuff. In Florida! I'll send someone right on over to the trees and stuff. Make sure the 'stuff' is visible!") But he needed someone to help him find his way soon because he told the operator "And I can't walk no more and I haven't eaten in like three days." Three? What happened to two weeks? I see what's going on here. He's nothing more than a lost liar is what he is!

He then went on to say that he was trying to walk up the block and he was "just tired". Why he was walking is beyond me, considering that he said earlier that he was pulled over by a cop. Pulled over to the side of the road...by his...collar? I don't think that happened. I AM starting to think that those 4 words which explain these situations may be in play here. (Alcohol may be involved.)

Did I mention he called twice? He did. Twice. Called 911.

The second time he started off the conversation with, "Yeah, I need to be transferred to Internal Affairs. Or something." Hoo-boy, here it comes.

"Internal Affairs or the sergeant or someone who is on duty right NOW, but not in the streets because I called you before and I asked for some help and I just got harassed by the cop so I need to be either transferred to Internal Affairs or....." It takes him a couple of seconds, but he finally narrows it down to who he needs to be transferred to! "....like....IFA or FBI maybe! Maybe you can transfer me to somebody because there's like six cops down the block and I asked for you to help me and the cops......they were just laughing at me and making jokes and I need to make a complaint! And I need to be transferred to Internal Affairs or somebody. Yes! Internal Affairs, Miss."

During his soliloquy, the 911 operator tried to get him to pipe down, but to no avail. She checked with him after it seemed like he was done and asked, "Are you ready for me to talk now?" And he replied with an assured, "Yep!" I'm sure he was just waiting for that speedy transfer to the people in Internal Affairs so that he could lodge his complaint, maybe get something to eat and hopefully have someone tell him where in the hell he was. Yeah, it didn't work out quite like that.

When asked why he had called 911 before, he didn't really have an answer for her. It's too bad that he didn't have that blank brain cramp before he had called 911 the first time, as it might have caused him to NOT call. In the meantime, while he was straining what functioning gray matter he could access, he said that there were cops that were coming over to talk to him. Whew! 911 operator tell him to go and talk to them and he responds with a very polite, "Bye-bye." What a maroon.

Apparently, after the first time that he called 911, the cops did "find" him and talk to him. It was at that point that he requested a ride and something to eat. That would probably explain the "laughing" the cops were doing that he was telling the 2nd 911 operator about. So....what? They laughed at his ridiculous request and then just left him there? The police report states that he was drunk (Ah-HA! Alcohol WAS involved!), so I'm not sure why they left him there the first time and didn't arrest him right then. But I guess the bottom line is that he DID get arrested. He appeared in court the next day and pled guilty to misusing 911 and will spend the next 10 days in jail where I'm sure he will be fed and won't have to worry about being hungry or lost. Man, talk about your speedy trial.


What I would have preferred is that he plead guilty to being a dumbass. Doesn't Flori-duh need some sort of a dumbass statute? If you're found guilty under the dumbass statute for using 911 for something that is so NOT an emergency then you can't get out of jail until you're able to explain how the system works and WHY it works that way. Granted, most of the folks that would be found guilty under the dumbass statute are going to have to learn to read and write before they can complete their 'Get Out Of Jail' assignment, but I'm OK with that. They're off the streets, away from phones, not lost and not hungry. Sounds like an all around win in this particular situation.

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