Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Driving Off On Barstool Mountain

How it is that this story took place in Ohio and not Flori-duh, I can't imagine. If there was ever a story made for Flori-duh (aside from all of the ones involving hookers, drug addicts, morons, 911 calls and fast food drive-thru windows), this one was it. But it's in Ohio, so we're just going to have to adapt. And quick, because here we go...

It seems like a basic enough story. A one 28-year old Kile Wygle has a little accident and ends up being charged with DUI and driving with a suspended license. All charges are misdemeanors and, unfortunately, happen every single day all over the place. But not quite like this. See, Kile's little accident occurred when his motor vehicle that he was driving crashed as he was attempting to make a U-turn. The motor vehicle that he happened to be driving at the time was a barstool. Wait. What?

A barstool. That is correct. Behold!

According to the smoky folks over there at The Smoking Gun, Kile crashed his barstool near his home in Newark (which is presumedly in Ohio, as the story didn't say it was some sort of barstool-RV hybrid) and knocked his head on the ground. That's when one of his buddies called 911. (I'm guessing due to recently increased talk about head injuries due to a celebrity death. If you ever want to raise awareness for a strange way of dying, have a celebrity die that way and see what happens. You'd think we were due for some sort of head injury pandemic the way folks have been talking. We're a clumsy species, this is true, but we're not constantly killing ourselves because of it. So just put down the helmets and relax.) Kile wasn't wearing a helmet, but I don't know if a helmet is a required accessory when taking one's motorized barstool out for a spin. It's definitely a desired accessory if you're planning on crashing your barstool, however.

The folks over there at have the audio of the 911 call which I've transcribed below as it was rather short. How much is there to say, really? Kudos to the 911 operator for not asking the caller to repeat himself at any point during the call, as it's not something you hear everyday (which is probably a good thing).

Caller: "I've got a friend here who wrecked a barstool. Hit the pavement with his head."

911: "OK, But he fell just from the barstool?"

Caller: "Um, no. He was riding a barstool." (See, he knows it's going to sound odd! He's probably thinking to himself, "I can't believe this. Why couldn't he just wreck his car like all of the other drunks?")

911: "OK."

Caller: "Motorized barstool." (Good thing he clarified that for the 911 guy. Wouldn't want him to get the impression that the barstool was not motorized and his friend was just jumping up and down on it until he fell off! Yeah, because that would sound silly.)

911: "OK."

Yeah, my reaction would have been more of the chick over at Newark Police who answered the call from the 911 guy when he said, "We're sending a squad over there for a gentleman who wrecked in a motorized barstool with head lacerations. He's got alcohol on board."

Her response? "Allllllllll rrrrright!"

When police arrived and began to ask Kile questions, he "appeared" to be so intoxicated that the officers had a difficult time understanding him as he slurred out his name when asked. When asked what happened to cause his injuries, he "blurted out, "I wrecked my barstool." Then, when asked how much he had had to drink, the answer was, "A lot." (Ah, I love an honest drunk!) He also informed the officer that his barstool was capable of going 38 miles per hour, though he only had it up to 20 miles per hour when he biffed it. As for where he biffed it, he first told the officer on the pavement. Then it was in a field. Then it was down the road from his house. (None of that means that he isn't honest any more. He is quite drunk, remember? He's an honest and confused drunk. Who just happened to crash his motorized barstool...somewhere.)

In an attempt to narrow down how much Kile had to drink, the officer started by asking him if he thought he'd had 6 beers and Kile said more. (Methinks that Kile's pride in his ability to drink ungodly amounts of alcohol is not going to bode well for him in this situation.) The officer then asked him if he thought he had drank more than 12 beers and he responded, "More like fifteen." (Back to honest and not confused!) When asked when he started drinking he initially said that he didn't know, but then he changed his mind and said a couple of hours ago. (Back to honest but confused!) He also told the cop that he wasn't driving a vehicle, that he was driving a barstool. (Not confused!) He was pretty proud of this fact too, as he was laughing when he drunkenly stated his definition of a motor vehicle to the cop. And that's when the cop told him that if it had a motor on it then it "fit the definition of a motor vehicle." And the laughing stops.

Kile was taken to a hospital so they could check out his noggin. When he was released, the cop gave him the citations for DUI and driving on suspension. I'm sure it will shock you to learn that it took the cop a while to explain the charges to Kile as Kile kept interrupting and saying "I didn't do anything wrong." And I can't decide if I'm inclined to agree with him or not. (Feel free to click on the images of the police report below to enlarge them into a readable document.)

On the one hand, gimme a break. It's a barstool with a lawnmower motor attached to it. It doesn't look like more than just a really tall go-kart. We had go-karts when I was a kid. Then again, I also played with small, pointy toys that were covered in lead paint, had really sharp edges and could lodge in my throat and choke me if I ever swallowed one. The point is that even with all of the "danger" and never wearing a helmet for anything, the majority of us played around with stuff like that all the time and we turned out fine. Not great. Fine.

On the other hand, gimme a break. It's a barstool with a lawnmower motor attached to it. And Kile was rather plowed it would seem. And while 30mph isn't exactly going to qualify you for NASCAR racing or anything, when you're drunk I'd imagine that 30mph on a barstool could do some fair to moderate damage should things go horribly awry. And then again, so could a lot of things. So I'm sure he deserves some sort of a ticket (I think), but not for a freaking DUI. There. I think that's my position on this.

The guy who made Kile's motorized barstool and about eight others is Vonn "Skeeter" Watson. (Why am I not surprised that his name is "Skeeter"?) He says that he's never heard of anyone crashing one of his motorized barstools before. (Now that does surprise me!)

And a final humorous side note to this tale. In the news footage coverage (which will not allow me to embed it here) over there at, the reporter, seeming to think that people are too dumb to understand this whole motorized barstool crashing phenomenon on its own merit, she explains the police diagram to the viewer like this:"According to this police diagram, Kile, the stick figure, crashed his motorized barstool when he tried to turn it."

Thanks for pointing out that Kile is the "stick figure" in that diagram there because otherwise I would have been up all night wondering which one of those building he was. (Oh, sensible I'll miss ye...)

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1 comment:

grannyann said...

That guy Wygle was on tv this morning on FOX