Monday, April 6, 2009

Bacon Jumping Sharks

I think it's fair to say that bacon, (yes, bacon!) bacon has jumped the shark.

Not all bacon. I'm not that crazy. The whole Internet bacon dealio is what I was referring to with all of the shark jumping and what not. ('Dealio' in Internet lingo is apparently 'meme'. Now, if I know how to pronounce 'meme', perhaps I'd use that term instead of 'dealio.' But I don't know how to pronounce it and regardless of that, all of the varieties from which I have a choice of pronunciations all sound stupid. So 'dealio' it is!)

Look, I love bacon as much as the next person. Who doesn't? It's bacon, for cryin' out loud! Mmmm....bacon. But somewhere amidst all of the pipes and tubes and strings that make up the Internet, having anything 'baconized' became an instant hit and was just the coolest thing ever. And you know how things go in Internet-land. If one thing is cool, then something similar to the thing that is actually cool will be cooler. And while I do tend to spend a fair amount of time wandering about Internet-land, I don't know that I think bacon has gotten cooler, I think it's just gotten old and tired. And no one wants old and tired bacon. Mmm...bacon.

Someone over there at the LA Times did a story on the bacon mania sweeping the Internet globe. And after the myriad of edible bacon concoctions and variations thereof, then we learn about the bacon products. Not 'bacon products' like how American cheese is a 'cheese food product'. No, not like that at all. 'Products' as in "something that has been produced" and, in this case, "and is something that you cannot or should not eat (there's not always a lot of accounting for taste with some of these guidelines)." So get ready because here come the bacon products!! (Not suitable nor intended for human consumption.)

First up, we have a lovely Bacon Scarf, so that on those cold and blustery days, you can keep your neck warm and pretend that you're doing so with a tasty pig byproduct. How exciting!

After you're neck is sufficiently warmed up, how about running some Bacon Flavored Floss through those teeth of yours? Who wants to be minty fresh? Now you can be bacony fresh!
And when you get into your car with your bacon scarf and your bacony fresh chiclets, what better way to continue that feel good feeling than with a constant whiff of the aroma of fried bacon with the Bacon Air Freshener!

Where might you be driving off to? Perhaps you're on your way to make sure that you're never without your bacon by getting yourself a bacon tattoo! (All right! All right! That's enough! This is starting to get silly! Bacon tattoos?! What's next?)

What's next, you ask? (Yeah, I kinda did.) For the ultimate in silly, pointless and a complete waste of perfectly good bacon, try the Bacon Bra! Behold!

Well, well, well. If that doesn't signify the beginning of the end of human civilization...wait. It's the pig that's dead there. Never mind. Bad example. But it seems like an odd use for what would appear to otherwise be perfectly good bacon and seemingly perfectly good breasts as well. And I highly doubt that the support is all that great with the bacon bra there. The girls would be all over the place AND they'd be greasy. That's no way to go through life.

Now, granted, the guy below (wearing what appears to be a Transformers T-shirt, just to give you an idea of the maturity level and how it would still be higher than mine in a situation like this) doesn't seem to be concerned about the supportive properties that the bacon bra may or may not possess. All he's trying to figure out is how to get at those breasts without wasting any of that yummy bacon (as am I).

So you can clearly see that bacon has somehow reached some sort of a capitalistic apex, where nothing is too silly, nothing is too stupid, and everything goes as long as there is bacon involved. Even websites dedicated to bacon abound! (Yes, can you imagine! Something that silly popping up on the Internet like that?! I, too, was shocked.) Websites such as Bacon Today which will give you daily updates on the world of sweet, sweet bacon. Daily updates? How much updating can one do? I know it's bacon, but it does have it's limits. It's tasty, it's crunchy. There you go. Updated.

Bacon Today provides the Internet savvy bacon-ite with a virtual cornucopia of way to use bacon for consumption. For instance, there's the Turbaconducken. It's a turducken wrapped in bacon. For those unfamiliar with the turducken, it is a chicken stuffed inside of a duck stuffed inside of a turkey. So don't be afraid of it simply because it's a food that begins with the word "turd". It really is just an unfortunate placement of letters is all it is. Behold! The Turbaconducken!

Good Lord, it's huge. But would you rather partake in the Turbaconducken or in the Bacon Explosion? Behold!

The Bacon Explosion involves weaving bacon pieces together like a basket (seen below) and then placing a mixture of sausage and, you guessed it, more bacon on top of it (as seen below that) and then rolling it all up into a pork laden log which is then grilled or baked (as seen below that). So it's basically bacon laden sausage wrapped in bacon (presumedly to keep in all of the oily, fatty, juicy goodness) and just waiting to be sliced up and gobbled down. It does not come with a defibrillator, so make sure there's one handy should you venture into the venue of the fatty other white meat.

But if none of those do it for you...well, then there's obviously something wrong with you, but besides the obvious, there are plenty of other ways to gluttonize your bacon. How about some bacon taco shells, known to some at Bacos! Behold!

Or some deep fried bacon, served with a side of creamy white gravy to ensure that your arteries will clog and harden ten times faster than they would have. If only you hadn't allowed yourself those three orders of deep fried bacon and gravy. Who would have known they'd be so detrimental to your health? (Maybe they need a warning label.)

Or chocolate covered with sprinkles!

Imagine if the bowl for that ridiculously wimpy salad that you're having was made out of bacon! You could eat the bowl! Finally, a bowl with purpose! Behold!

Wash it all down with a Diet Coke with Bacon and you've got yourself a meal that you'll be thinking about for the rest of your life.

See what I mean? It's all grown just a little bit thin by now, hasn't it? That's probably a poor choice of words, as nothing that is consuming this much bacon is going to grow thin ever. But if we could just go back to bacon being the King of all of the Salted, Cured Meats, I think that we'd all be just a little bit better off. I think that the pigs when they are in the pre-bacon stage (that is, that of being a pig) would feel a little bit better off also. Or maybe not...because they're pigs.

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grannyann said...

You did a ton of research, interesting post. Bacon bras, etc. A little bit slippery and greasy huh. Afraid I am going to have to skip this latest fad.

La Belle Canadienne said...

Well was difficult to stomach this one but I read thru cuz u r an entertainin' blogger...yes's official..U R a BLOGGER..LOL!

I am not down with the flesh of the swine. In fact, the one time I tried chicken bacon I almost gagged from the smell. Salty as hell and that disgusting hickory-ish or whatever it was flavor. It's gross, it's disgusting, pigs immerse themselves in their own feces. Nah it just ain't the meat of choice pour moi. What the hell is that repulsive fried log of fatty pig meat. Yuck! Double Yuck! Did I mention the nausea I'm experiencing right now just recalling that...i'm shuddering and reaching for the Gravol!

But the bacon brassiere did take the cake! Not only did it lift and separate..those boobs are mighty perky considering Mr. Porky's is all that is holding them up! Or should I say, staring them down like they r the Last Supper! Dude had the hungry dog that hasn't eaten 4 weeks look on his face! Heck I think he was gonna eat it RAW!'s all meat right? Sorry I am in a mood it seems...again..can't resist!

The rest of the greasy, repulsive flesh of the swine stuff I gazed at quickly to avoid further nausea...stopping finally to linger on the Diet coke with that...I'm gonna send a pic of 2 my diet coke addicted friend. She loves the piglet meat and she loves the diet coke. Marriage made in heaven!

Still I can't help but think that perhaps this website and its followers are nature's way of practicing population control :)