Wednesday, April 8, 2009

The Accidental Moron


The only solace that I can find in the type of person who is a criminal is that the majority of the time, they're remarkably stupid. And while I have a general aversion to stupidity, I'm kind of OK with stupid criminals. It tends to mean that a) they get caught frequently and b) they're inept antics tend to result in much amusement for the masses of law abiding folks that enjoy mocking the failed criminal endeavors of the mentally incompetent. And if it's not the masses that's being entertained, well then, it's just me and I'm perfectly OK with that as well! Nothing wrong with a little entertainment at the expense of incapable law breakers. Nope, nothing wrong with that at all.

An example of such asshattery would be found this week in Peoria, AZ. CNET's Technically Incorrect has the story of our criminal genius is getting his start early in life at the ripe old age of 16. Said 16-year old moron had just completed his theft of a car stereo and a Cricket cell phone. That should alert you to a couple of things about this kid right away. First of all, people still steal car stereos? Who buys them?? Had he previously stolen a time machine which whisked him back to 1978 or something? It seems rather old school. And second, a Cricket phone? I'm not the only one not impressed at his choice of magic communication devices, but more on that later. All I'm sayin' is that if you feel that it is so important to risk your freedom by stealing other people's stuff (as opposed to going out and getting a job and buying crap with your own money, you shifty little piece of crap. Sorry, I tend to digress rapidly in instances involving thievery. Carry on.), make it at least worth your while. If you're so OK with stealing stuff that is, literally, craptastic, you're missing the whole point. And while that's good for society (because they'll get caught), I just can't stand any sort of ineptness in any operation, legal or otherwise. It's just how I am. I prefer a well-oiled machine.

So once all of the pilfering has been completed and what does the dumbass do next? He goes to find his buddies to tell them all about it, of course! (My first guess was that he took pictures of himself and his loot and posted them on MySpace, but to my surprise, that didn't happen. Odd.) So he has the phone in his pocket, the stolen car stereo in his car (I guess), and he's bragging away. How do we know this? We know this because the Boy Genius somehow managed to dial 911 on his stolen Cricket phone and the whole conversation was heard and recorded by the 911 operator. Sheer genius, that boy.

I believe the event of an accidental dialing of one's cell phone is termed "butt dialing". I have only "butt dialed" twice in my life, the second time which was Twittered by she whom I "butt-dialed" for all the world to see. Behold! A Twitted account of things my butt does when I'm not paying attention:

Mary, ya dork. You buttdialed me and I just twittered it! HAHAHAHA. Goodnight London!10:37PM Mar 22nd from TwitterBerry.

Nice, eh? Annnnnyway, our Resident Genius apparently did not have an obnoxious Twitterer in the 911 operator to inform him of his unfortunate error. Thus, he just went about his business with his buddies, bragging about what a thug he was. I found certain aspects of conversation to be quite hilarious and, at the same time, rather perplexing. Things like: When talking about the stealing of said stereo, he described the task as: "It took all my energy to lift it out of the car." Um, really? How big was the stereo and how big is the moron? Is he like a midget criminal mastermind? Was he stealing from the parking lot of the Guinness Book of World Records Headquarters and just happened to lift the world's biggest car stereo? What the hell does that mean? I'll tell you what it means. It probably means he's just a pansy-ass little punk with wispy little legs and some pipe cleaner arms. You could blow on him and he'd fall over. And cry. That's what it means.

I also greatly enjoyed when he was showing the phone (which was still connected with 911 at the time! How do you not notice that?!) to his posse. They were not impressed. I could make out something about how he should have gotten a Blackberry. Now, I don't know if that's because of the resale value of a Blackberry as opposed to a Cricket, or if that's because they needed a Blackberry to help them better organize their very, very busy days. You know, what with all of the meetings and luncheons and product development sessions going on (or the breaking into cars, stealing from Girl Scouts and whipping up a tub full of meth in the basement), sometimes things can get lost in the shuffle.

One thing that didn't get lost, however, was the signal from the phone. Do a little of that triangulation of signal stuff that I'm pretty sure is magic and voila! The police are able to pinpoint the brainiac's location and catch him actually holding the stereo! (Where's your time machine now, punk?!) Said inept teenage criminal ended up being charged with felony vehicle burglary and released to the custody of his mommy and daddy, who I'm sure were both beaming with pride!

The folks over there at the Phoenix New Times have the audio of the call if you'd like to click and listen to that. (It seems to take a while to load and there's a whole lot of not very exciting stuff going on. I'm just warning you in advance that not every 911 call is like those that come out of Florida.)

I'm still curious as to where the market is for the stolen car stereo in the year 2009. It just doesn't seem worth it. (And it probably isn't, but to people that think a better way to get money is to steal stuff rather than say, oh, get a job, I guess that extra $10 or $20 that you get for it justifies the risk. Perhaps when he's in jail, he'll be able to read up a bit on the risk vs. reward concept and realize that he's been doing it all wrong.) Regardless, thanks to the miracles of modern technology and the hazards of being incredibly stupid, the town of Peoria, AZ can sleep much better knowing that another criminal mastermind has been thwarted and sent home with his parents (where I'm sure he'll receive a stern talking to).

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1 comment:

grannyann said...

Yep we had something like that happen around here. I might post it one of these days. They need to put those folks in a cage on the town square with a sign that says "I am just plain stupid"