Thursday, April 16, 2009

I'm Not Drunk, I'm Stupid

Not to be outdumbed by Louisiana, Flori-duh has once again taken the lead for the state with the shallowest gene pool and the most likely contender for the Darwin Award. This time, we go to Gainesville where an 18-year old guy (who will later have been determined to be a full fledged moron) crashed an SUV right through a window that just happened to be the window of the State Attorney's office. Oh. Unfortunate.

The genius and poor driver, a one Jonathan James Sweat, apparently crashed the SUV through the window at around 3:30 in the morning. If something is happening at 3:30 in the morning, chances are high (more on that later) that whatever it is, it's not good. The only thing that's good at 3:30 am is sleep. If you're not sleeping and you're out and about, there's a problem. Most likely, you need a life. Or, at the very least, you need a job. According to the folks over there at Gainesville.com, "Sweat was found with a gray Ford Ranger in the front window of the office." See what I mean? SUV in a window of the State Attorney's office at 3:30am. NOT good.

Apparently, it's procedure to give the driver sobriety tests when he plows his vehicle through the window of a building. Seems reasonable. The arrest report noted that Sweat "failed three field sobriety tests." Hmmm. That could be a problem. So the officer took him to the police station "...for observation and breath tests, which did not show any indication of alcohol." OK, good. We can just chalk this up to his being a horrible driver or maybe even just a not very bright driver. But he's not drunk, so that takes care of that aspect.

Not so fast.

The cop filling out the report stated that, "Sweat spontaneously “stated that I wasn’t going to be able to arrest him for DUI because he hadn’t been drinking. He then stated that all he did was smoke some marijuana.” :::blink::: :::blink::: Oh, for cryin' out loud, are you kidding me?!

No, of course not. That's really what he said. I'm not drunk, I'm high as a kite. (I'm a little surprised he didn't also throw in a little 'nyah-ner, nyah-ner' as well.) So really, had he just kept himself quiet over there, the cop could have maybe chalked up his failing the sobriety tests to nerves. After all, the guy just drove his SUV through a huge window. That's enough to rattle most people, so it wouldn't have been all that unusual. But, no. No, not for our hero. Our hero has to just blurt out how he can't be arrested because he's not drunk. He's high. You want to know a pretty sure fire way to get arrested? Tell the cop that they can't arrest you. 95% of the time, you'll find yourself arrested.

Speaking of getting arrested, Behold!


I guess that when you're stoned it makes sense to tell the cop what he can and cannot do. Of course, when you're not stoned anymore and you realize that you've been sitting in jail for a while, it's not going to seem like it was all that great of an idea. It'll seem like an even worse idea once you get wind of the fact that your story is all over all of the Internets and people are mocking you incessantly for your voluntary admission of your stoneage at the time of all of the window crashing.


In the future, should you crash your vehicle through another window at some point, just say nothing. Nod a lot, cry, wet your pants, I don't care. But I think it's pretty clear that the less you say, the better.

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3 comments:

grannyann said...

You can add Nancy Pelosi to your group of idiots. She said this morning that all those people at tea parties were the rich people not the middle class!!!

Mare said...

That's because Nancy Pelosi, similar to Hillary Clinton, lacks a human soul.

Buy Viagra online said...

YEah usually people that have accidents just because they were drunk or drudged, it's not because of that, it's because they were or are stupid.