Sweet Mother of God - A Window?

You know, sometimes things just happen. There isn't necessarily a reason for why something happened the way that it did, but you can almost always figure out how something happened. And sometimes there isn't a "why", there's just the "how". That doesn't seem to be good enough for some folks. And by "some folks" I mean the people who insist upon seeing the image of Christ or the Virgin Mary in everything. And by "everything" I mean the whole gamut, ranging from a moth to a Cheeto to a kitchen sink. Wait. A Cheeto? That scrumptious, unnaturally orange, crunchy, food snack item? THAT Cheeto? Uh-huh. That Cheeto. Behold! Cheese-us!

Oh, good Lord. (No pun intended.) Look, I don't know if that Cheeto really looks like Jesus or not. I know that it isn't Jesus. That I am certain. Now, would I eat a Cheeto that looked like Jesus? How hungry am I? WHAT?! They're very tasty! No sense in throwing away perfectly good food. Er, cheese food product things. But I digress. The point is that even if you see something that looks like something in something that isn't that thing, it still doesn't make that thing something. Are you with me? Perhaps you'll catch up when I explain that the window in which the image of the Virgin Mary was spotted over seven months ago has been removed from the building it was in and has now been placed in a secret location. Dun-dun-duuuuunnnnnnn! Behold!

Huh. It would seem that around 11 a.m. on September 30, 2008, that image of the Virgin Mary appeared on a window and was spotted by a patient at the Mercy Medical Center in Boston. How on earth anyone was able to figure out that it looked like the Virgin Mary is beyond me. Unless she was wearing a name tag, I'd miss it! The hospital had been planning on replacing the window (which had been there since the 1970s with no apparitions of the Mother of Christ having been seen) but, according to a one Mark Fulco, quoted in the Boston Globe, "Obviously, we didn't change the window out when we heard." When you heard? That it was a little dirty? What?

Mind you, that was back in October, 2008, that he said that. The Mr. Fulco said then that "We figure the best thing to do right now is just leave it in place, until it can be fully evaluated and we can get advice from the Diocese of Springfield." Well, I guess that couldn't hurt. Really. Can it? Wait a minute! What am I saying? It's a window! It has smudge! I don't think that the Diocese needs to be called in for the purpose of assessing cleanliness.

And really, I don't know why a consultation would have been in order in the first place, being as how Mr. Fulco also said that "Glass specialists have told hospital officials that water seeped between the panes of the double-paned glass and the "minerals reacted and caused some type of acidic reaction that appears to have etched the glass." There you have it! Case closed! Not so fast.

Mr. Fulco went on to say, "What is unusual is the image that appears to have been etched." What? You just said! The special glass people just said the minerals reacted and the acidic reaction etched the glass! Why is that "unusual"? It's not like there isn't an explanation! What's the deal?

The answer to that question is as of yet still, yes still, still unanswered because according to the Boston Herald , the "...hospital is still trying to figure out what to do with" the window! So far, "The hospital, a Catholic institution, removed the window and are storing it in a secret location." A secret location? Out of fear of what? A squeegee? Don't know. But the hospital is apparently "...waiting for a report from experts they would not identify to determine if the window is worthy of veneration." All right, all right. That's enough!

That "they would not identify?" Why not? Is there some underground racket of virginal window imagery assessment that the general public is best not to be aware of? Judging from this, you'd think so! But wait! Here's the best part: "Engineering experts said the image was caused after a failed rubber seal allowed mineral deposits between panes of glass. But hospital officials have said that doesn’t explain why the deposits combined to resemble the Virgin Mary." Oh, for cryin' out loud. Are you serious?

What hospital is this? Mercy Medical Center? Note to self: If ever in Boston and feeling unwell, avoid Mercy Medical Center at all costs, as it seems to be run by a bunch of wingnuts.

So they leave the window there for seven months before removing it via some underground railroad for slightly smeared window panes or something similar, all the while continuing to want an explanation as to why it looks like the Virgin Mary. The answer to your question is simple: It just does!

Randomness is just what it says it is. Random. Sometimes random stuff will produce something that can resemble something else. Other times, random stuff will produce something that doesn't resemble squat. Why? Because it's random, that is correct! It's not supposed to look like anything, it just so happened that it kind of, sort of, maybe (and that's stretching it, from what I can tell) looks like something. It wasn't on purpose that it looks like that! It wasn't supposed to look like anything!

Perhaps the hospital folk over there might want to consider some of the many, many other objects in or on which an apparition has been seen. If so, hopefully they'll take note that there wasn't any reason for why those objects looked the way that they did. They just did!

Here's Jesus on a moth! (Yes! A moth!)

The Virgin Mary on a window in Clearwater, FL!

Jesus on a light pole (allegedly)!
The Virgin Mary on a griddle! Comin' right up!

And my personal favorite, the Virgin Mary on a grilled cheese sandwich!

Do you really think that there is a "reason" for why all of these things look the way that they do? There better not be.

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I'm Not Drunk, I'm Stupid

Not to be outdumbed by Louisiana, Flori-duh has once again taken the lead for the state with the shallowest gene pool and the most likely contender for the Darwin Award. This time, we go to Gainesville where an 18-year old guy (who will later have been determined to be a full fledged moron) crashed an SUV right through a window that just happened to be the window of the State Attorney's office. Oh. Unfortunate.

The genius and poor driver, a one Jonathan James Sweat, apparently crashed the SUV through the window at around 3:30 in the morning. If something is happening at 3:30 in the morning, chances are high (more on that later) that whatever it is, it's not good. The only thing that's good at 3:30 am is sleep. If you're not sleeping and you're out and about, there's a problem. Most likely, you need a life. Or, at the very least, you need a job. According to the folks over there at Gainesville.com, "Sweat was found with a gray Ford Ranger in the front window of the office." See what I mean? SUV in a window of the State Attorney's office at 3:30am. NOT good.

Apparently, it's procedure to give the driver sobriety tests when he plows his vehicle through the window of a building. Seems reasonable. The arrest report noted that Sweat "failed three field sobriety tests." Hmmm. That could be a problem. So the officer took him to the police station "...for observation and breath tests, which did not show any indication of alcohol." OK, good. We can just chalk this up to his being a horrible driver or maybe even just a not very bright driver. But he's not drunk, so that takes care of that aspect.

Not so fast.

The cop filling out the report stated that, "Sweat spontaneously “stated that I wasn’t going to be able to arrest him for DUI because he hadn’t been drinking. He then stated that all he did was smoke some marijuana.” :::blink::: :::blink::: Oh, for cryin' out loud, are you kidding me?!

No, of course not. That's really what he said. I'm not drunk, I'm high as a kite. (I'm a little surprised he didn't also throw in a little 'nyah-ner, nyah-ner' as well.) So really, had he just kept himself quiet over there, the cop could have maybe chalked up his failing the sobriety tests to nerves. After all, the guy just drove his SUV through a huge window. That's enough to rattle most people, so it wouldn't have been all that unusual. But, no. No, not for our hero. Our hero has to just blurt out how he can't be arrested because he's not drunk. He's high. You want to know a pretty sure fire way to get arrested? Tell the cop that they can't arrest you. 95% of the time, you'll find yourself arrested.

Speaking of getting arrested, Behold!

I guess that when you're stoned it makes sense to tell the cop what he can and cannot do. Of course, when you're not stoned anymore and you realize that you've been sitting in jail for a while, it's not going to seem like it was all that great of an idea. It'll seem like an even worse idea once you get wind of the fact that your story is all over all of the Internets and people are mocking you incessantly for your voluntary admission of your stoneage at the time of all of the window crashing.

In the future, should you crash your vehicle through another window at some point, just say nothing. Nod a lot, cry, wet your pants, I don't care. But I think it's pretty clear that the less you say, the better.

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