How to Tell if Your Wife is Pregnant

One of my many goals in life has been to have no more than ZERO children. And I'm happy to say that so far, so good. Unless anything radically changes in the near future, I should be able to hold steady at that number until the glorious day when I am officially barren! Don't get me wrong, I like kids, but I like other people's kids. As I may have mentioned before, I have no desire to be the incubator for an alien being which my body will host until it has grown to sufficient enough size that it will warrant it's unpleasant exit from my loins via a process akin to that of shoving a pot roast through one's nostril. No thanks. Other people are more than welcome to procreate if they'd like. I happen to know some excellent mothers. But like I said, if all goes well, I won't be one of them.

In the most optimal of scenarios, I'd like to think that having a kid would be something that you'd have to prepare for. And that it would be something that you'd have to plan out ahead of time. But most importantly, I'm thinking that if you're going to have a kid, you should probably pay attention to things so that you don't completely miss the fact that you were pregnant at all. Wait. What was that?

Correct. Today we go to Montcalm County, Michigan, home to Ryan and Carri Emmons. The couple recently quit smoking (and good for you guys!) and they presumed that Carri had given up one vice (the evil tobacco) for another (the glorious food) and had thus put on a "little bit of weight". Their assumption was partially true. They had quit smoking. She was eating more. She had put on weight. But the weight was due more to the fact that she was pregnant rather than just being a bit on the large side. And according to the news-press.com, that factor somehow managed to elude the both of them...right up until she gave birth in their bathtub. Oh. My. God.

I'd like to take just a brief moment here and ask WTH? I know that people say that it is possible to not know that you're pregnant for a little while at first, but throughout the entire pregnancy? How is that possible? I looked for pictures of these folks and haven't found any yet, but unless she was the size of a small house (even a teepee or a pup tent would suffice for this example) , I'm having trouble seeing how this would happen. Don't those little creatures wiggle around in there? (Ugh. Must finish blog post. Try not to pass out at thoughts of human beings growing inside of people until they're not inside anymore. Ugh. I see now I coulda done without the visual.) How could she not know?

On top of the size factor and the internal creature gestation factor, it's not like this woman didn't have any other children! No, she already has three! She should be fully aware of the policy and procedure manual for this sort of situation by now, wouldn't you think?

Apparently, I'm not the only one asking those questions. Her husband was asking the very same questions as well! And who can blame him? One minute, you have three children. The next thing you know, your wife's in the tub and just as you connect with 911, now you've got four children. Not a lot of time to get prepared for something like that in that fashion.

So the guy calls 911 and I, for one, was just happy that it was actually a legitimate 911 call. He didn't call because there were only 10 herbs and spices instead of 11 in his fried chicken or some other dumbass reason like that. No, having your wife go into labor with the mystery child and the clandestine pregnancy is a perfect reason to call 911! That's 911 material right there if there ever was any. He was about as calm as you would expect someone in his position to be. Because really, if you don't know that your wife is pregnant and she doesn't know that she's pregnant and the next thing you know, she's standing in the tub, moaning in pain and gushing blood from below the belt (Whoa! Steady now....keep typing....) you might just freak right on out. But he stayed relatively calm.

He explains to the 911 dispatcher that he thinks his wife is having a baby. "Uh, yes ma'am. My wife is in the bathroom. There's blood all over the place. She thinks she's having a baby." That theory is pretty much solidified when she yells to him that "the head is out!" The agony of moaning that follows the confirmation that the baby does have a head also backs up the "I think I'm in labor" theory. As the dispatcher, a one Angi Adams (Do all people in Michigan just drop the 'e' from the end of their names now? What's up with that?), is asking poor, shocked Ryan what his address is, he gives her an update by stating in disbelief, "Oh, my God! I'm looking at a baby!" (That keen sense of infant identification will bode well for him as a parent.)

The persistent Angi continues to try to get an address out of the poor man when he blurts out, ""I didn't know my wife was pregnant!" To which Angi responded with the only thing that you could really say with, "You didn't know she was pregnant?" Ever insistent and still in shock (and kind of sounding like he's going to cry), he says, "No, no! I had no idea my wife was pregnant!"

Ryan continues to repeat over and over, "Oh, my God. I'm looking at a baby." He also tells the dispatcher that they quit smoking recently and she had gained some weight and he thought it was from not smoking. (Psst! Someone might want to tell them it's from having sex!) It wasn't that! Nope. Sure was not from that.

At first, I was wondering if she just hadn't told him that she was pregnant, but it kind of seems that she might not have known either. If she did, she didn't seem to feel that whilst still in the tub, after just having given birth to the surprise bundle of joy, that wasn't the best time perhaps to let him know that she knew. I don't know when would be a good time for that if it were something you had to tell your husband, but I can definitely narrow it down to before the kid is born. That I'm fairly certain of.

When do you have that talk with your wife if she doesn't bring it up? I'm thinking maybe soon but it's hard to say. She could be one of those folks that just forgets things now and then! I was glad to hear him say that the kid looked like him, because that would have been an explainable reason to not mention all of the being with child to your husband if the child you were with wasn't with him! If that were the case, you would have really put yourself in an uncomfortable position (and not just because there was another human being trying to crawl it's way out of your loins). There you are, in a bathroom that your husband will likely never use again after this incident, and the kid shoots out (or whatever they do) and he wipes it off with the shower curtain or whatever is nearby and handy, and then says, "Hey! How cute! He looks just like the UPS man! ::: blink ::: :::blink :::: Wait a minute." Yeah. Awkward.

So everyone made it through the ordeal just fine. Everyone except maybe me. But I guess I can look at it as a refresher course (not that I need one, I'm just saying) to remind me just one more time why I'm striving for childlessness. If I need more reminders, I can always listen to the 911 call again as well. Fortunately, a link to the complete audio of that call is below, so if you'd like a reminder as well, feel free to listen.

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