Doomed Due To Leap Day

I was really having a tough time trying to figure out something to post for today. Maybe that was because I was so confused about Leap Day the other day. Oh, no, wait. That wasn't me. That was the chick in the video below. Um, I should probably warn you that you may want to kill yourself after viewing this video. You will definitely want to kill the girl. Oh, and there's a boatload of profanity in it. It really adds to the charm of it all. Is it rather loud, as she is shrieking, so you might want to turn down your speakers or something. Unless you like that sort of thing, in which case, I can't help you very much. I certainly hope this chick is the exception and not the norm these days. I mean, I know we're doomed. But I don't want to be doomed at the hands of this chick. That would just add insult to injury. And who needs that? We're already doomed, why make it worse?

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The Invincible Idiot

I remember having that invincible feeling when I was younger. God, it was great. Not giving a crap about anything you do is a fabulous feeling. The only problem with it in the scenario that I'm describing is that at the time that you're doing it, you don't know how great it is to feel so invincible. You just feel that way because you don't know any other way to feel. You're under the impression that nothing bad will happen to you no matter what you do. And that includes jumping off of the Golden Gate Bridge when you're on a field trip. Wait. What now?

Apparently, according to KTVU, "...a male student from Windsor High School in Sonoma County leaped from the bridge at approximately 11:15 a.m. Approximately 45 students and two teachers were at the bridge for the school field trip". OK, then. That's a really stupid thing to do on many levels. Level One, more than 9 times out of 10, you're going to die. Level Two...well, I think that Level One really covers all we need to know here. The most likely outcome (even though that miraculously was not the case this time) is that you're going to be dead moments after you step off of the bridge. How this kid was able to swim away and then walk away practically unscathed is beyond me.

After he made it to the shore with the help of some surfers (a couple of whom this dipwad almost landed on when he jumped) "The student told paramedics that he's a recreational bridge jumper, and has done stunts like this before". What the what is a 'recreational bridge jumper'? Is that just another word for a 17-year old idiot who just took a plunge into the San Francisco Bay? Is that opposed to a professional bridge jumper? What sort of profession is that? How often are those sorts of services needed? I'm guessing not often, but that's probably only due to the incredibly low levels of intelligence if this guy is any indication of those who participate.

And the stunts that he claims to have done before, were they also on field trips with his school? 45 kids and two teachers and this guy still manages to climb over all of the obstacles that they put up in hopes of stopping the unstoppable? Of course. He's a 17-year old. Not only do they feel invincible, they're remarkably determined at performing the inadvisable. But if you're thinking that this was a dare, oh no, think again. See, "Students said they wanted to make it known that no one dared the student to jump or egged him on." Uh-huh.

Do they really think that we're dumb enough to believe that? You have got to be kidding me. The only question is whether more kids dared him to than didn't dare him to. (And if there was going to be a second question, it would be whether or not either of the teachers participated in any of the daring. I'm not implying that they did. I'm just curious.) "We would never encourage that," said a student who likely did just that. Yeah, right. I'm not saying that they're to blame. No, that responsibility lies squarely on the wet, wet shoulders of the moron who actually jumped. I'm just saying that anyone who says that they would never encourage something, especially trying to get a classmate to jump off of a bridge, is not the most truthful individual you're ever going to run across.

I'm not sure what sort of notoriety this stunt is going to bring the kid at school. He's either going to be hailed as the new king of the village or shunned as the new village idiot. (Well, as another village idiot. There are a lot of openings for idiots when you're in high school.) The student under mental observation for a short time after being 'rescued', but I don't know what they're going to find out other than he's 17 and has balls the size of coconuts. But I'm sure that he'll be making the media rounds in a little while here, so we'll get to hear first hand what this moron has to say about all of recreational bridge jumping activities. Makes me kind of glad we're going to be hearing about that tsunami for a while.

I know this much, though: If this little stunt makes it so that the debate about having better barriers on the Golden Gate Bridge is reignited, I'M going to jump off of the bridge. It doesn't need more suicide barriers. If people want to kill themselves by jumping off of the bridge, that's their decision. Land of the free. Remember? Sure, it's sad. Suicide usually is. But do you know what is even sadder? Trying to idiot-proof everything in society in the quest to achieve the impossible goal of trying to make everything safe and sound for everyone all of the time. And even sadder than that (if you can imagine something being sadder)? That's right. Trying to use my tax money to pay for it. Sad, sad, sad.

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The Accidental Moron

The only solace that I can find in the type of person who is a criminal is that the majority of the time, they're remarkably stupid. And while I have a general aversion to stupidity, I'm kind of OK with stupid criminals. It tends to mean that a) they get caught frequently and b) they're inept antics tend to result in much amusement for the masses of law abiding folks that enjoy mocking the failed criminal endeavors of the mentally incompetent. And if it's not the masses that's being entertained, well then, it's just me and I'm perfectly OK with that as well! Nothing wrong with a little entertainment at the expense of incapable law breakers. Nope, nothing wrong with that at all.

An example of such asshattery would be found this week in Peoria, AZ. CNET's Technically Incorrect has the story of our criminal genius is getting his start early in life at the ripe old age of 16. Said 16-year old moron had just completed his theft of a car stereo and a Cricket cell phone. That should alert you to a couple of things about this kid right away. First of all, people still steal car stereos? Who buys them?? Had he previously stolen a time machine which whisked him back to 1978 or something? It seems rather old school. And second, a Cricket phone? I'm not the only one not impressed at his choice of magic communication devices, but more on that later. All I'm sayin' is that if you feel that it is so important to risk your freedom by stealing other people's stuff (as opposed to going out and getting a job and buying crap with your own money, you shifty little piece of crap. Sorry, I tend to digress rapidly in instances involving thievery. Carry on.), make it at least worth your while. If you're so OK with stealing stuff that is, literally, craptastic, you're missing the whole point. And while that's good for society (because they'll get caught), I just can't stand any sort of ineptness in any operation, legal or otherwise. It's just how I am. I prefer a well-oiled machine.

So once all of the pilfering has been completed and what does the dumbass do next? He goes to find his buddies to tell them all about it, of course! (My first guess was that he took pictures of himself and his loot and posted them on MySpace, but to my surprise, that didn't happen. Odd.) So he has the phone in his pocket, the stolen car stereo in his car (I guess), and he's bragging away. How do we know this? We know this because the Boy Genius somehow managed to dial 911 on his stolen Cricket phone and the whole conversation was heard and recorded by the 911 operator. Sheer genius, that boy.

I believe the event of an accidental dialing of one's cell phone is termed "butt dialing". I have only "butt dialed" twice in my life, the second time which was Twittered by she whom I "butt-dialed" for all the world to see. Behold! A Twitted account of things my butt does when I'm not paying attention:

Mary, ya dork. You buttdialed me and I just twittered it! HAHAHAHA. Goodnight London!10:37PM Mar 22nd from TwitterBerry.

Nice, eh? Annnnnyway, our Resident Genius apparently did not have an obnoxious Twitterer in the 911 operator to inform him of his unfortunate error. Thus, he just went about his business with his buddies, bragging about what a thug he was. I found certain aspects of conversation to be quite hilarious and, at the same time, rather perplexing. Things like: When talking about the stealing of said stereo, he described the task as: "It took all my energy to lift it out of the car." Um, really? How big was the stereo and how big is the moron? Is he like a midget criminal mastermind? Was he stealing from the parking lot of the Guinness Book of World Records Headquarters and just happened to lift the world's biggest car stereo? What the hell does that mean? I'll tell you what it means. It probably means he's just a pansy-ass little punk with wispy little legs and some pipe cleaner arms. You could blow on him and he'd fall over. And cry. That's what it means.

I also greatly enjoyed when he was showing the phone (which was still connected with 911 at the time! How do you not notice that?!) to his posse. They were not impressed. I could make out something about how he should have gotten a Blackberry. Now, I don't know if that's because of the resale value of a Blackberry as opposed to a Cricket, or if that's because they needed a Blackberry to help them better organize their very, very busy days. You know, what with all of the meetings and luncheons and product development sessions going on (or the breaking into cars, stealing from Girl Scouts and whipping up a tub full of meth in the basement), sometimes things can get lost in the shuffle.

One thing that didn't get lost, however, was the signal from the phone. Do a little of that triangulation of signal stuff that I'm pretty sure is magic and voila! The police are able to pinpoint the brainiac's location and catch him actually holding the stereo! (Where's your time machine now, punk?!) Said inept teenage criminal ended up being charged with felony vehicle burglary and released to the custody of his mommy and daddy, who I'm sure were both beaming with pride!

The folks over there at the Phoenix New Times have the audio of the call if you'd like to click and listen to that. (It seems to take a while to load and there's a whole lot of not very exciting stuff going on. I'm just warning you in advance that not every 911 call is like those that come out of Florida.)

I'm still curious as to where the market is for the stolen car stereo in the year 2009. It just doesn't seem worth it. (And it probably isn't, but to people that think a better way to get money is to steal stuff rather than say, oh, get a job, I guess that extra $10 or $20 that you get for it justifies the risk. Perhaps when he's in jail, he'll be able to read up a bit on the risk vs. reward concept and realize that he's been doing it all wrong.) Regardless, thanks to the miracles of modern technology and the hazards of being incredibly stupid, the town of Peoria, AZ can sleep much better knowing that another criminal mastermind has been thwarted and sent home with his parents (where I'm sure he'll receive a stern talking to).

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