I'm In The Wrong Business

I am clearly in the wrong business.  What I should be doing to make my fortune is to find some sort of vapid celebrity to endorse a product that is probably worth no more than fifty cents and then turn around and sell said product for twenty-five dollars.  And if things go really well, I'll be able to sell some of those items without any celebrity endorsement.  That's right.  My other ridiculous marketing ploy will have worked so well that I'll just be able to crank out crap and have people buy it for no other reason that it's from the same place that sells the crap that that one celebrity endorses.  Let's see...I'm going to need a cheap product.  Oooh!  Oooh!  I know!  Lollipops!  Perfect.  Now I just need my vapid celebrity.  Oooh!  Oooh!  I know!  Kim Kardashian!  Perfect.  She's the queen of vapid.  (OK, I concur that we'll probably have to explain to "the queen" what vapid means, but that's really neither here nor there.)  No.  No.  That's too stupid.  That would never work.  Who would pay twenty five dollars for a single lollipop?  (You see where this is going, right?) 

Apparently there is a place called Couture Pops and they sell ridiculously priced items.  One of those items, you guessed it, is lollipops.  But not just ordinary lollipops!  Oh, wait.  Yeah, never mind.  They are ordinary lollipops.  The stick-ular area seems to be adorned with some sort of baubles.  And there also appears to be a clear plastic, protective case for the actual licking area of the lollipop.  Other than that, they're regular lollipops.  Regular lollipops that go for twenty-five dollars.  Behold!

OK, I know you can't really see the lollipop, so here's a close up.  Behold! 

Just remember:  Twenty-five bucks.  But it's not just Kim Kardashian who is endorsing these things.  There's also a Britney Spears lollipop.  Behold! 

 Here's a lollipop endorsed by Mel B of the Spice Girls (and long ago fame): 

What about a lollipop endorsed by Nicole Scherzinger (recently fired from American X Factor and from the yesterday fame of the Pussycat Dolls):

 Need a lollipop endorsed by The Situation from Jersey Shore?  They've got you covered, moron. 

 What about one endorsed by Hello Kitty?  Here it is! 

Do you see how asinine this is?!  They're all essentially the same thing.  And that "thing" is a lollipop!  Who endorses it doesn't give it a special hidden value!   Hello Kitty isn't even a real cat, for cryin' out loud!  How do you justify that?  (Oh, it's so expensive because it's endorsed by a fake, yet wildly popular in Japan, feline character that pre-teen girls find whimsical.  That'll be twenty-five dollars, please.)  Seriously, I don't know if I can make my brain become so soft that I would actually think up something this ridiculous and that would actually make money.  That there are people out there that can figure out that there is a market for twenty-five dollar lollipops that all look the same except for the celebrity du jour who endorses them is just astounding to me.  Simply astounding. 

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Oddities at CES

As a huge fan of gadgets and electronics (not to mention electricity itself), I always look forward to the Consumer Electronic Show in Las Vegas every year. Granted, it's not as big as it used to be, but we don't have as much money as we used to, nor are we as frivolous as we used to be. (That was due to our spending our seemingly endless supply of money in a fashion equivalent to that of drunken sailors on leave. No offense to any drunken sailors out there. Thanks for your service!) But it doesn't change the fact that there are a lot of cool things that get unveiled at the CES every year. And everyone one of them practically touts that they're going to be the next big thing. And some of them might very well be. Others might be big, but just might not be huge. (You know, kind of like that one guy you dated in college that everyone in your sorority was talking about.) And others...well...others are going to be quite surprised when they find out that they are going to be neither big nor huge, but are going to find themselves being mocked here.

(By the way, most of these photos are compliments of our friends across the pond over there at The Telegraph and from our friends on this side of the pond over there at Switched. And by "compliments" I mean that I took them, but I didn't ask, but I also wasn't trying to do any harm, either, so just back off!)

First up is something called the Hanvon Touchpad. It says that it "...has a 10.1" screen, e-Book content and includes handwriting recognition software in different languages..." Sounds great. What's it look like? Behold!

Swell. I just wish that they could have shown a better picture of the capabilities of the "handwriting recognition software" other than this one. Behold!

And that thing is going to be $700?! My Etch-A-Sketch technically has that same kind of "handwriting recognition" and it's no $700. Poor choice in photos, that's all I'm saying. It could be a perfectly find product (but I think I'll stick with the Etch-A-Sketch).

Are you familiar with a brand of AV cables called Monster Cables? They cost a gazillion times more than a regular cable, but there really isn't any proof that they do anything at all that is better than your regular ol' cheap ass cables. (If you're one of the folks that actually bought the line of crap that the guys in the blue shirts were selling you, I've only one word for you: Sucker!) Now, I don't know if so many people caught on to the Monster Cable scam or what, but I do know that the folks over there at Monster are at it again. This time, their enlisting the help of a music legend in order to scam folks out of not just $100 for an inferior product, but to scam folks out of $500 for a pair of earphones that I'm going to have to guess do not deliver $500 worth of audio goodness. Behold! The Miles Davis Tribute high-performance in-ear headphones and their poster boy, the son of Miles Davis, Erin Davis.

That's a real cute little royal blue lined miniature trumpet case you guys have going there, but those are not $500 worth of earphones that are inside of it. Shame on you, money grubbing son of Miles Davis. Shame on you.

Ed Hardy, the designer who has been outfitting douchebag Jon Gosselin over the past year or so, made an appearance at the CES with his line of cell phone covers. The photo below shows how they are displaying their wares at the convention. And while the covers may be cool, as a friend of mine told me today "...their advertising dept. really should have more than 70 collective IQ Points." Well said, my friend. Well said.

Here are the GoPro wearable camera rigs. Apparently, a large rubber band and/or bungee cord wrapped around your imaging device and then strapped to your head just wasn't cutting it.

Here we have "...the Steadicam 'Smoothie', a video stabiliser for the iPhone" as demonstrated by an Elvis impersonator. Let's hope that the image that the product helps produce does a better job than the Elvis impersonator.

The photo below was captioned: "Intel President and CEO Paul Otellini (L) talks with actors dressed as time travellers." Time travellers? Really? I don't know about that, but the one on the right looks more like he might have been a buffet traveler.

For some reason, a company called Hannspree thinks that we, as consumers, want to watch a TV that is set inside some sort of whimsical object. I don't know that we do. In fact, I know that I don't. I'm easily distracted (shiny!), but besides that, these TVs are ridiculous. I know that we all think that Apple products are like heaven on earth, but that doesn't mean that we want to buy products that look like a regular ol' apple. Behold!

I don't want to watch TV on a large piece of fruit. I'd feel like I'm trapped outside of some sort of impressionist painting. But I suppose it's better than watching TV and feeling like I'm trapped on some sort of an ice floe somewhere. Behold!

Yep. That's a polar bear. Because when I think "the future of TV", I naturally think "cold environment predators", don't you?

There was also this clock for $129 from Oregon Scientific. The point of it is that the clock will gradually start illuminating your room a half an hour before you get up. It's supposed to ease you into the whole "being awake" sort of thing. I'm thinking I can be eased awake for less then $129. Maybe I'll sleep with the curtains open and be eased awake by Mother Nature for free. $129? Really?

And finally we have Lady Gaga who will be "...working with Polaroid where she will act as the brand's creative director for a speciality line of imaging products." It's a perfect fit, really, because with both Lady Gaga and a Polaroid picture, you have to stare at them for a few minutes before you can actually figure out what you're looking at.

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Bacon Jumping Sharks

I think it's fair to say that bacon, (yes, bacon!) bacon has jumped the shark.

Not all bacon. I'm not that crazy. The whole Internet bacon dealio is what I was referring to with all of the shark jumping and what not. ('Dealio' in Internet lingo is apparently 'meme'. Now, if I know how to pronounce 'meme', perhaps I'd use that term instead of 'dealio.' But I don't know how to pronounce it and regardless of that, all of the varieties from which I have a choice of pronunciations all sound stupid. So 'dealio' it is!)

Look, I love bacon as much as the next person. Who doesn't? It's bacon, for cryin' out loud! Mmmm....bacon. But somewhere amidst all of the pipes and tubes and strings that make up the Internet, having anything 'baconized' became an instant hit and was just the coolest thing ever. And you know how things go in Internet-land. If one thing is cool, then something similar to the thing that is actually cool will be cooler. And while I do tend to spend a fair amount of time wandering about Internet-land, I don't know that I think bacon has gotten cooler, I think it's just gotten old and tired. And no one wants old and tired bacon. Mmm...bacon.

Someone over there at the LA Times did a story on the bacon mania sweeping the Internet globe. And after the myriad of edible bacon concoctions and variations thereof, then we learn about the bacon products. Not 'bacon products' like how American cheese is a 'cheese food product'. No, not like that at all. 'Products' as in "something that has been produced" and, in this case, "and is something that you cannot or should not eat (there's not always a lot of accounting for taste with some of these guidelines)." So get ready because here come the bacon products!! (Not suitable nor intended for human consumption.)

First up, we have a lovely Bacon Scarf, so that on those cold and blustery days, you can keep your neck warm and pretend that you're doing so with a tasty pig byproduct. How exciting!

After you're neck is sufficiently warmed up, how about running some Bacon Flavored Floss through those teeth of yours? Who wants to be minty fresh? Now you can be bacony fresh!
And when you get into your car with your bacon scarf and your bacony fresh chiclets, what better way to continue that feel good feeling than with a constant whiff of the aroma of fried bacon with the Bacon Air Freshener!

Where might you be driving off to? Perhaps you're on your way to make sure that you're never without your bacon by getting yourself a bacon tattoo! (All right! All right! That's enough! This is starting to get silly! Bacon tattoos?! What's next?)

What's next, you ask? (Yeah, I kinda did.) For the ultimate in silly, pointless and a complete waste of perfectly good bacon, try the Bacon Bra! Behold!

Well, well, well. If that doesn't signify the beginning of the end of human civilization...wait. It's the pig that's dead there. Never mind. Bad example. But it seems like an odd use for what would appear to otherwise be perfectly good bacon and seemingly perfectly good breasts as well. And I highly doubt that the support is all that great with the bacon bra there. The girls would be all over the place AND they'd be greasy. That's no way to go through life.

Now, granted, the guy below (wearing what appears to be a Transformers T-shirt, just to give you an idea of the maturity level and how it would still be higher than mine in a situation like this) doesn't seem to be concerned about the supportive properties that the bacon bra may or may not possess. All he's trying to figure out is how to get at those breasts without wasting any of that yummy bacon (as am I).

So you can clearly see that bacon has somehow reached some sort of a capitalistic apex, where nothing is too silly, nothing is too stupid, and everything goes as long as there is bacon involved. Even websites dedicated to bacon abound! (Yes, can you imagine! Something that silly popping up on the Internet like that?! I, too, was shocked.) Websites such as Bacon Today which will give you daily updates on the world of sweet, sweet bacon. Daily updates? How much updating can one do? I know it's bacon, but it does have it's limits. It's tasty, it's crunchy. There you go. Updated.

Actually, Bacon Today provides the Internet savvy bacon-ite with a virtual cornucopia of way to use bacon for consumption. For instance, there's the Turbaconducken. It's a turducken wrapped in bacon. For those unfamiliar with the turducken, it is a chicken stuffed inside of a duck stuffed inside of a turkey. So don't be afraid of it simply because it's a food that begins with the word "turd". It really is just an unfortunate placement of letters is all it is. Behold! The Turbaconducken!

Good Lord, it's huge. But would you rather partake in the Turbaconducken or in the Bacon Explosion? Behold!

The Bacon Explosion involves weaving bacon pieces together like a basket (seen below) and then placing a mixture of sausage and, you guessed it, more bacon on top of it (as seen below that) and then rolling it all up into a pork laden log which is then grilled or baked (as seen below that). So it's basically bacon laden sausage wrapped in bacon (presumedly to keep in all of the oily, fatty, juicy goodness) and just waiting to be sliced up and gobbled down. It does not come with a defibrillator, so make sure there's one handy should you venture into the venue of the fatty other white meat.

But if none of those do it for you...well, then there's obviously something wrong with you, but besides the obvious, there are plenty of other ways to gluttonize your bacon. How about some bacon taco shells, known to some at Bacos! Behold!

Or some deep fried bacon, served with a side of creamy white gravy to ensure that your arteries will clog and harden ten times faster than they would have. If only you hadn't allowed yourself those three orders of deep fried bacon and gravy. Who would have known they'd be so detrimental to your health? (Maybe they need a warning label.)

Or chocolate covered bacon...now with sprinkles!

Imagine if the bowl for that ridiculously wimpy salad that you're having was made out of bacon! You could eat the bowl! Finally, a bowl with purpose! Behold!

Wash it all down with a Diet Coke with Bacon and you've got yourself a meal that you'll be thinking about for the rest of your life.

See what I mean? It's all grown just a little bit thin by now, hasn't it? That's probably a poor choice of words, as nothing that is consuming this much bacon is going to grow thin ever. But if we could just go back to bacon being the King of all of the Salted, Cured Meats, I think that we'd all be just a little bit better off. I think that the pigs when they are in the pre-bacon stage (that is, that of being a pig) would feel a little bit better off also. Or maybe not...because they're pigs.

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Jack's Sort of Back

All I meant to do was look at the new logo that Jack In The Box has rolled out. That's it! Instead, what happens? Instead I end up looking at the logos for a whole bunch of different products that have "changed" recently. Now, I've quoted "changed" because some of them really aren't that different! I don't know if the product label design guys (that's their official title, yes) don't see the similarity between some of their "Before" and some of their "After" designs, or if they know there's not much of a difference, but they think that the consuming public is so dumb that we just flock to anything that we think just might be new. I'm guessing it's the latter. Seriously, look around you. What do you see? Morons, that's correct.

Oh, but I will give them this: Some of the design changes are very apparent. Hoo-boy are they apparent. It's quite apparent that some of the new designs just suck. Those are the ones where I really want to talk to the person who was in charge of that project and said, "Looks good!" (Probably with an enthusiastic thumbs up sign, a wink and a smile, too.) Why doesn't everyone know that crap is crap when they see it? I don't know why it takes some folks longer to go, "Ooooohhhhh. Yeah. I see what you're saying. Yeah, that's crap. Sorry!"

But back to Jack. Old Jack in the Box:

New Jack. In the box. Behold!

Yeah, I don't know if I can get on board with this one. It bugs me. For one thing, there's Jack. He's not in the box! He's very much out of the box! And while I'm happy for Jack (no one particularly enjoys the confines of a box), it's misleading. But there's something about the new one that bothers me. It sort of bears an odd resemblance to the hammer and sickle on a USSR flag. Behold!

I don't know if that's it, but it reminds me of something. Thus, the chances are good that I'm going to make everyone I know crazy by continuing to bring it up any chance I get until I figure it out. Oh, you're welcome, friends! What else do we have?

Pepsi has redesigned everything they own! And apparently they figured that what was good for one redesign would be good for another redesign. And another. And another. They're not very creative over there at Pepsi. Behold!


I seem to be the only person on the planet that hates that font on everything. It's everywhere. Fat, lowercase letters...what does that prove? Not much. Not much at all. (I blame texting. Next thing you know, companies are just going to start leaving vowels out of product names. We'll have to decipher everything in the grocery store just like we do those damn text messages from our friends who don't use vowels! But I digress.) I suppose I can live with the can design, but the bottles? Well, it could just be me, but they're rather, um, see....the contours on the bottle....near the top....it has a sort of, how do I say it, um, oh, that's right. It's phallic as hell. Behold!

Eh? See! Told you so. Now, Pepsi also owns Tropicana, the orange juice people. You might remember your Tropicana juice carton looking like this:

Not anymore! And keeping with their same font and their same phallic-y sort of design, well, behold!

I don't know what was wrong with just a regular little screw top on the carton. But that rounded item there? I'm sure that their intention was to have it look like an orange. It's orange juice, that could be an orange, I see the connection. But I look at that and I don't see "orange". I look at that and I see "breast" or "nipple" or....another....anatomical part. I can't help it! (And while I can never help it, it's rarely this distracting!) Could the folks at Pepsi not think of anything else that they just had to port their lowercase, phallic design over to the juice department? You'd think that they'd have more ideas than that, really.

Pepsi works with the folks at Kraft. (I know. I know. It seems like an odd partnership, but from what I can tell, Pepsi owns just about everything out there except for Coca-Cola.) Apparently their love for the lower-case font has worn off on Kraft, as the Kraft logo has changed also.

Somehow, the logo of a company that makes "food products" (Yes! "Food products" is in quotes. Hey, macaroni and cheese is not supposed to glow orange!) must have caught the attention of a company whose product is supposed to get stains out of clothes (probably left by the "food products") because suddenly Cheer and Kraft are looking remarkably similar. It's kinda weird. Behold!

And I'm not thrilled with the muted multi-colored design, either. It has a very "feminine hygiene product" feel to it. (And no one really wants that associated with their macaroni and cheese. Ever.) I could maybe see why they'd be similar if they had anything to do with each other, but they really don't. But take the redesigns of Sunkist and Fanta Orange. Both are orange sodas. Both now look similar to each other. Both are a mess and an utter disaster. Behold!

And again with the splash-y look to it. It's soda! You don't want it to splash! (Fanta just should have left well enough alone and not changed anything. Sunkist is a train wreck from beginning to end. They just need to start over. Do they think that leaf over the "i" is going to fool anyone into believing that there is anything that might have grown on a tree at some point in that soda? Last time I checked, orange coloring does not grow on trees.)

So there you have it. Be prepared for more product design and/or logo changes with many more products in the near future. Say goodbye to capital letters and say hello to splash-y, lowercase goodness! Or something like that.

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