Tuesday, June 5, 2012

There Is No Such Thing As Zombies

I know that I say we're doomed a lot, but it's not like I don't give plenty of examples to back up my statement of impending doomage.  I show you time and time again how this country is not long for this world and not without good reason.  Too many morons running the show seems to be the problem.  And now we must add to said list of morons a group that isn't typically thought of as being particularly moron heavy.  That group would be the CDC, the Center for Disease Control.  There are brilliant minds over there who work tirelessly to help thwart deadly diseases and to prevent others from taking over (which really wouldn't be all that bad of an idea for some folks out there.  But I digress.).  And that's why my disappointment level is at an all time high when I read that they have issued a statement in light of the recent "cannibalistic" attacks that have taken place.  So, have no fear, there are no zombies near.  Wait.  What? 

That's right.  The CDC has felt the need to announce that zombies (yes, zombies) are (wait for it) not real.  I know!  Can you believe it?!  Not real!  Who'd a thunk it?!  According to Business Week, a one CDC spokesman David Daigle "...sent an email to the Huffington Post, answering questions about the possibility of the undead walking among us".  Now, while I don't know that I would necessarily call the Huffington Post the bastion of reporting, I do have a great deal of respect for the CDC.  And one of my reasons for having the opinion that I do of the Huffington Post is that they are the sort of organization that would ask the CDC questions about zombies.  That the CDC felt the need to stoop down and answer those questions is why I'm annoyed at the CDC.  Aren't they above that?  Apparently not. 


In part, he wrote, "CDC does not know of a virus or condition that would reanimate the dead,"...adding: "(or one that would present zombie-like symptoms.)"  Good Lord.  Wouldn't a simple "They're not real, dips**ts!" suffice?  This is the group of people who are supposed to help prevent and protect against the outbreak of disease and they're commenting on zombies.  You tax dollars hard at work, folks!  There's even a specific page on the CDC's website entitled "Zombie Preparedness".  The theory behind it seems to be that if you're prepared for a fictional zombie attack, then you will have also prepared yourself for other real disasters and problems that can come your way.  So since people are too stupid to prepare for real things, I guess the CDC figures that it's just easier to go ahead and let them since it might help them with something else.  I think that they're giving those sorts of folks too much credit.  Anyone who is actually preparing for the zombie apocalypse wouldn't even realize if/when a real disaster were to strike.  With their head so far up their proverbial ass, it's a wonder they can prepare for anything at all. 

Now, I get the part about people needing to have something to blame for events that they find completely horrifying.  It's like when someone dies of a heart attack or something and you find an unlikely way to justify their death that would make it at least slightly improbably that you would meet the same fate.  (For example, poor Jim gets hit by a bus walking across a busy street.  It's the same street that you walk across all the time.  It's also the same street where you see plenty of buses.  Thus, you say to yourself, "Oh, well, Jim was such a fat-ass that it's no surprise that he died."  Jim's fat-assed-ness had nothing to do with it, but you attribute that to him so that you don't have to think about your own ass (fat or not) getting hit by a bus in a similar fashion.) But what is wrong with the most logical explanation in these sorts of instances?  What's wrong with attributing these horrific attacks (and subsequent ingestion of human flesh and/or parts) to a simple case of crazy?  There's no need to make stuff up.  Those folks were just good old fashioned crazy!  You don't to drag fictional monsters into the equation.  Just go with crazy! 

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