Monday, October 26, 2009

Bork, Bork, Bark!

I think we've all been lonely at one point or another in our lives. But now, with society immersed deep within The Internets, there are plenty of cures or solutions for that loneliness. There's craigslist. There's Match.com. There's eHarmony. And in the case of one fellow, there was the pound. Wait. Ew! Wait. Wait! What now?

Meet 21-year old (and old enough to know better) Laszlo Arsenio Horvath. Behold!

According to the Orlando Sentinel, Mr. Horvath was arrested back in July after he took his dog, an 8-year old whippet named Silvy, to the vet. The dog was suffering (probably literally) from various injuries (of which I will let you connect the dots provided forth in this tale) and Mr. Horvath, rather than pay to have the dog cared for by the vet, declined to do so and instead abandoned the dog. Silvy was later put down.

Apparently, when an animal croaks it in the care of a vet, the do a pet autopsy (a necropsy) on the creature to determine the cause of death. In this case, there was an unexpected twist in the investigation when the necropsy revealed human DNA inside of the dog (again, I'm going to let you put two and two together). This, aside from being unexpected, was illegal. I realize that may be surprising to some of you considering it was in Florida that this sordid tale occurred, but apparently they do have some common sense down there and they actually do forbid this sort of activity. Thank God. (Again, however, you wouldn't really know it if you've either a) encountered many Floridians or, b) read this blog.)

Anyway, Horvath was subsequently arrested for sexing up his whippet (and not in a good way) and was sentenced to house arrest. That was in July. Fast forward to October 22nd when he went back to court. Well, good news! He gets to attend culinary school! Wait. What??

Correct. Culinary school. See, apparently, being on house arrest was a bit of a cramp in Mr. Horvath's style. See, he claimed that by having to stay at home all of the time, it didn't enable him to get a job or attend school, specifically culinary school. To which I say, by God YES!! YES, that IS what "home confinement" or "house arrest" means! It means, by the nature of the term "home" and/or "house" that you do not get to go anywhere! Good Lord, was I just almost defending Flori-duh a few moments ago. I believe I was. I take that back. It's still Flori-duh and there's a reason why stories about dog rapists come from there. What is wrong with people?

You know where else would have made it difficult for Mr. Horvath, the dog rapist, to attend culinary school? That's right, jail! JAIL makes it really difficult to go out and attend culinary school! How come this guy isn't in jail?! That guy in South Carolina who was serial raping that horse was in jail! Why isn't this guy in jail? Oh, right. Flori-duh. Duh.

The Sun-Sentinel reported that Mr. Horvath, after confessing to sodomizing the unsuspecting whippet, said that he did so "because he was lonely". That, naturally, leads back to my opening statement of how there are services out there for the lonely that do not involve canines nor the sodomization thereof! But I guess perhaps the "loneliness" might have been taken into consideration when allowing this sickass to attend culinary school. Perhaps the hope is that he'll meet some two legged mammal there which will willing have sex with him. Granted, if they ever find out about his previous girlfriend, there probably won't be a huge chance for a whole lot of sweet, sweet lovin' in his future, but you never know. Again...Flori-duh.

But before I get to the best part, let's briefly review. We have a guy fornicating with his dog to the point where the dog needs to be put down. The guy is on house arrest for said doggiemization. Clearly, this is an individual with some serious issues and the apparent lack of ability to distinguish between man and beast. Now he's being sent to culinary school where he and all of his good judgment will be surrounded by knives and other sharp objects (hopefully which his fellow classmates will use to arm themselves with after julienning their carrots). With me so far? Good.

During the hearing, "prosecutor Steve Kerestes asked that Horvath receive a mental evaluation. The judge agreed, asking that it be done within the next two weeks." Wait. What? Two...two weeks?! But you're letting him roam freely about NOW!! Why hasn't this been done before now? How time consuming can it be to do a mental evaluation with a man who has sex with his dog because he is lonely?? I realize the courts are backed up and all, but seriously, Flori-duh! This evaluation couldn't possibly take more than five minutes. Here, let me help! Let's see...um...21-year old...male...Flori-duh...ooh....what's this?....sex with a dog?....Demented, perverted, serious sexual issues, severe mental issues, inability to care about right and wrong. Evaluation done! Defendant is hereby banished to a desert island. Next case!

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