Sunday, October 18, 2009

The Worst Invention Ever


This could quite possibly be the worst invention ever. It's definitely in the running. I'm not saying it's worse than those damn Venetian blind sunglasses or protective eyewear or whatever they are, but it's still pretty damn bad. I present to you either the ViconRevue or the SenseCam (it's kind of hard to tell which one they're going with, but it's still horrible). Behold!


Well, that doesn't look so bad, does it? How horrible can it possibly be? Lemme tell ya and then let's see if you're still spouting that sort of nonsense, shall we? According to the folks over there at New Scientist, this Vicon Revue is "A camera you can wear as a pendant to record every moment of your life." Um, I think I speak for most sane individuals when I say: Um, EVERY moment? Are you kidding me? I spend most of my life trying not to remember most moments! Now you want me to want to photograph them?? For all of time and eternity?? Have you gone mad??

Here's the part I have a hard time believing: "Imogen Moorhouse, Vicon's managing director, says that Microsoft has licensed the technology because it can't keep up with demand for the gadget." Really? Can't keep up with people who want every other minute of their life photographed? Has the human race in general become that vain, that self-absorbed? If they can't keep up with demand for this hideous invention, then we are not going to be doomed, we're already there. We're at doom's house and we're sitting in its living room having a cup of coffee.

Think about it. If you put one of these things around your kid's neck when it is first born (preferably after it's been hosed off and dried out a bit, as those things are disgusting when they first enter this world) it is never going to know any different. It is going to think that this is how life is. Everything I do will be on my magical/evil pendant which I am beholden to wear until the day I croak (probably from killing myself because I just can't take the constant monitoring any more.) It'd be like that movie The Truman Show only you'd know what was going on (unlike Jim Carrey who took most of the movie to figure out that his life was a lie full of lying liars and that he was probably the only one not getting paid for that fiasco).

It's a horrible idea. Horrible. Don't believe me? Remember college? You want that preserved forever? Hell, no you don't. You didn't even want it preserved until the next morning (at least, that's that Bethany Tiffani Amber Candi Jones said). And what if you're in that situation and the other person has one of the evil see-all pendants? Think that you're ever going to be able to disappear into the world without ever being found again by the young woman whom agreed to allow you to defile her repeatedly after a raucous game of beer pong? I don't think that you are. She'll be able to hunt you down like...like...some sort of beast being hunted down.


It won't be like before where she would have to look high and low for you like you were some Tickle Me Elmo doll at Christmas time when that sort of thing was hot and in short supply. Everywhere that she'd hear that you were, she'd go there and you wouldn't be there. Then she'd just repeat that exercise over and over until she found some other guy to get drunk and play beer pong with. But she'll have pictures of you now. Detailed pictures. And I would have to imagine that you'd have detailed photos of her. Defiled and all. Ugh. Not good. Not good at all!

And if you think that these folks are just going to stop at photos, I'd guess that you'd be wrong. Wait until these things come with sound recording capability. Then everything that you say will be preserved for time and all eternity as well! Oh, joy! I've never said anything stupid in my life, so that will be just fine! Or not.

That article does go on to say that "So far, only 500 have been made, most for use by researchers." Ah. Researchers. Translation: No problems with wearing one themselves because who in the hell are they ever going to interact with in the first place. Ugh.

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