Thursday, October 8, 2009

Nuts & Nudity - Together at Last!

That's it, people! We have officially, OFFICIALLY come off the rails! It's over! Nothing more to see here! Move it along! That's right. Back you go! Back. BACK! Sweet mother of God, what have we done. What hath we wrought? I'll tell you what we've wrought. We've wrought the worst kind of wroughting you could ever think to wrought. That's right. We've wrought the worst wrought we've ever wrought before. You might have thought we've wrought, but you were wrong. Three words will show just how much wrong we've wrought.

Levi. (That's one.)

Johnston. (That's two.)

Naked. (Threeeeeeeeeeeee!!)

See? This is what happens when we (and by "we" I mean a society that gulps up every morsel of celebrity chum that is thrown into our shark infested waters with a thirst for knowledge about everything and everyone) act like we're interested out of sheer interest in an individual that we are merely interested in because we're making fun of them. While in theory, a perfectly harmless scenario, but in reality, most of those that we mock are not exactly the sharpest tools in the shed. (Translation: Too dumb to know we're dissin' 'em.)

That's what's happening with ol' Levi "Used To Be The Future Son-In-Law Of a Failed Vice Presidential Candidate" Johnston. He came on the scene as the guy who knocked up Bristol Palin and was going to marry her. Then the whole "might end up in the White House" scenario flew the coop and that whole "going to marry her thing" flew right behind it, closely followed by that whole "going to finish high school thing" as well. And for some reason, there was still some sort of odd interest in him. Maybe it's that he rather oddly has a sort of 80s look going on about him.

I think that the interest in Levi Johnston was slightly, just slightly perpetuated by the man-boy himself. I mean, if you continuously knock someone as hot as Sarah Palin, eventually people are going to listen to a little bit of what you say. Or, at the very least, be interested in what's going to come out of your blowhole next. And not necessarily interested out of interest, more so interested out of sheer amazement that someone could be so damned clueless. (For the record and in case you were previously unaware, it's not OK to bash the grandmother of your child in public. It's just not. Unless she's in prison having been convicted of murder, don't drag your family crap around for the whole world to see. It doesn't do a whole lot for smooth family relations, if that's what you were hoping for, either.)

But now this whole fake interest-interest thing has been taken to a whole new level. Levi Johnston is posing for Playgirl. Good Lord, is that necessary? I'm guessing it is, if you're him. Seriously. Let's think about this. I know that there was talk of him having a book deal, but I think that there are enough picture books on the market as it is. Talk shows aren't going to continue to pay him to spit out little tidbits about Sarah Palin that may or may not be true. He has nothing of substance to say. To describe him as slightly vacuous is an understatement. Translation: The gravy train has ground to a screeching halt.

Now, I'm not going to pretend to know what Playgirl offers one to pose nude. I realize some folks think that they're good enough, that they're hot enough that they'd do it for free. Those people are the kind of people that, if naked, would drive magazines out of business if they actually took them up on their free-nude-photos offer. The kind of people that some people (no names) would want to see naked need to be bribed paid and paid rather handsomely. The usual, however, I don't think is more than a million. I say that because it's always a big deal when someone is offered a million bucks to pose nude. If that was typical, it wouldn't generate as much tongue wagging. (Tongue wagging - another high paying position.)

But speaking of how Levi Johnston is trying to make a little money off of some nuts, he's also in a new advertisement for pistachios. I can't say I'm a fan of the ad. I'm all for the whole tongue-in-cheek thing (more so when it's either my tongue or my cheek), but when it involves your family or or your child, I just don't think you should go there. You can decide. Here's Levi Johnston advocating for nuts. And for Wonderful Pistachios.

Yeah, see? Too much. Aside from it making fun/light of the fact that he knocked up his girlfriend when they were both 17, it's a ridiculous premise. There's Levi being flanked on one side by a behemoth of a man while 3 or 4 people off screen say in semi-loud voices while 2 or 3 flashbulbs go off, "Levi! Levi!" It's as if the most unenthusiastic person in the world's dog has just run off and they're trying to get it to come back. "Levi! Levi!" And while that alone could be the punchline, the real punchline is when the announcer voice says, "Levi Johnston now does it with protection." Meaning the bouncer. Implying a condom. Selling pistachios. Hey, whatever works. (Man, I love pistachios. And I'll continue to love pistachios in spite of the fact that Levi Johnston is hawking them. They're good. He is not.)

Once Levi Johnston is naked and in Playgirl, then, then can we please make him go away? Please? What if we buy the nuts? How about the pistachios?

(Side note: Don't get me wrong, I'll be checking out that issue of Playgirl. I'm sure as hell not buying it, but I'm definitely going to see what all the fuss is about. And don't worry. It's not like I'm not going to be sharing with y'all. Oooohhhh, you can expect QUITE the post when THAT issue hits the newsstands. You know it.)

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