America's Village Idiot

America's village idiot is back in the news.  That's right.  The one, the only, the Levi Johnston.  You probably best remember Levi from such episodes such as the 2008 presidential campaign and his knocking up the Republican Vice-Presidential candidate's daughter, Bristol.  He's a pretty good looking dude, but seems to be as dumb as a turnip.  (I realize that might be insulting to the turnips of the world out there, but I calls 'em as I sees 'em.)  But he does seem to be good at a couple of things.  He seems to be really good at having sex without using contraception AND he seems to be really good at getting chicks that he isn't married to knocked up. 

You can't be overly surprised when I tell you that Levi has managed to get another girl pregnant.  The lucky lady this time is a one 20-year old (and old enough to know better) Sunny Rae Camilla Oglesby.  That's right.  Sunny.  The exact opposite of my disposition.  Sunny.  And how they came to be a couple is truly a romantic tale.  See, Levi saw Sunny's picture on Facebook.  He must have been instantly smitten because he immediately called up his friend and said exactly what you would expect him to say in this situation.  He told his friend, "Get her."  Awww.  Just like in the movies!  According to Inside Edition, the way Levi tells this love story is "I seen her on Facebook—a picture, and I called my friend and said 'Get her.'" And it's not just her good looks that attracted Levi to her.  "Any woman who can hunt bears with me is a keeper. You can't find those every day."  Words of a poet.

At some point after meeting, the two lovebirds went on a camping trip to some cabin in the middle of nowhere.  And wouldn't you know it?!  They forgot birth control! As Levi put it, "We were out at the cabin for like, four days, and forgot the birth control."  Right.  Because there's nothing else that they could have done!  And rather than just go and get some (or not have unprotected sex), they decided that the best thing to do would be to go ahead and have unprotected sex anyway and bring another little Johnston into the world before he's even 22.  Good idea. 

Naturally, with two geniuses like this involved, you know that the name that they choose for the kid is going to be equally intelligent.  That's why they decided to name their children after something near and dear to Levi's heart.  His favorite gun. And apparently, one of his favorite characteristics of nature.  They're naming the child Breeze Beretta.  Now, Breeze is kind of a stripper name.  It's going to be tough for her to resist the draw of the pole with a name like Breeze Beretta.  Then again, it's hard for me to imagine her having a stellar life with Levi at the helm of fatherhood, but that's just me. 


Of course these two aren't married yet.  Again, according to Inside Edition "Johnston still hasn't officially popped the question. Oglesby wants him to propose before Breeze is born."  Yet when asked by the interviewer "Is there any question in your mind that this is the girl you want to spend the rest of your life with?"  Johnston answered, "No."  But yet, no marriage proposal.  So, so interesting.  And, given his history with the Palin girl, so, so not surprising.  What a loser. 

He already doesn't see or pay for the kid that he has.  And now he's bringing another one into the world with a girl who seems just as naive as Bristol did about the entire thing.  It's like watching "Groundhog Day" waiting for this to play out.   I'm going to make my prediction right now.  I predict that it will turn out just like it did before.  They'll be all in love and happy or whatever.  That will last right about until the kid is born.  Then Levi will go back to doing whatever dumbass things he does and Sunny Rae over there will get to raise little Breeze Beretta all by herself.  And for the record, I would love to be proven wrong about this.  I would like nothing more than for those two kids to stay together forever and have a happy and loving family.  But it's Levi Johnston, so I just don't see that happening.  Why can't there be some radio station out there that would offer him something like $10,000 if he got a vasectomy?  That'd be awesome because the end goal here is to have him stop making children.  I can't think of any other way to get that done than with some ridiculous publicity stunt that makes him a few bucks.  Small price to pay if you're asking me.  

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Levi Johnston - King of the Morons

Can I possibly stand to do another post about what a brickhead Levi Johnston is? Can I? I don't know. I'm gonna, so let's find out if I make it to the end, shall we? God, he's a moron.

I take that back. He is King of the Morons. In the Land of the Morons, he is the revered, he is the adored, he is their leader, he is their King. Thus, with that sort of moronism involved, I was not surprised to learn, according to the headline over across the pond at The Guardian " "We're going to court"; Sarah Palin to face legal battle over grandson". Shocking, I know.

Now, before we delve into the "legal battle" part, let's recap some of the choice things that Levi Johnston, completely unprovoked, has had to say about Sarah Palin. In the Vanity Fair article we have Levi claiming:

"The Palin house was much different from what many people expect of a normal family...There wasn’t much parenting in that house. Sarah doesn’t cook, Todd doesn’t cook—the kids would do it all themselves: cook, clean, do the laundry, and get ready for school."

"Sarah told me she had a great idea: we would keep it a secret—nobody would know that Bristol was pregnant. She told me that once Bristol had the baby she and Todd would adopt him."

"She started talking about how nice it would be to quit and write a book or do a show and make “triple the money.” It was, to her, “not as hard.” She would blatantly say, “I want to just take this money and quit being governor.” "

On the Tyra Banks Show, Levi claimed "...he believed the governor knew he was having sex with Bristol prior to her becoming pregnant at age 17."

And finally, in an interview with Maggie Gonzalez of CBS, he claimed that "Sarah Palin would come home from work and ask, “Where’s my retarded baby?” Um, what?

Look, I find it hard to believe that any mother would say that about their kid. Levi is claiming that she said it all the time. Why things like that don't diminish whatever credibility anyone thinks he has is beyond me. I might only doubt (but barely doubt) that she ever said it, but I can say with great assuredness she never said it "all the time". That's just S***. Here's where it gets entertaining.

Levi is claiming that he is not being allowed access to his son, Tripp. Shocking, I know. I'm not so sure that I'd be letting the sort of guy who is more interested in flying all over the country spreading lies about the grandmother of his child see the child either. Since there doesn't seem to be a legal document in place authorizing specific visits, I guess it would have to boil down to the decision of the mother as to what would be best for said child. Keeping said child away from said jackass seems like a pretty good place to start if you're asking me.

Back to the story in The Guardian where they report "Johnston said there had been times when he had been allowed to see Tripp about once a week, but there had also been periods when he had had virtually no access. He said: "They started letting me see him and everything was fine. But everything got bad again. So I said screw them." Aaahhh. And another piece of the puzzle falls into place. Anything else there, Levi? How do you feel about it going to court?

"It's going to be a tough battle. Basically, it's down to who has the better lawyer. I can just imagine all the cameras that are going to be there – it's going to be crazy." Um, what?

All of the cameras? That's what you're thinking about?! What in the hell is wrong with you? Oh, that's right. You're an idiot.

But wait! Unfortunately, there's more! Media outlets, please take note of this! "Johnston admitted to the Guardian that comments he made to Vanity Fair and other outlets....were partly made in retaliation. "If they had let me see my kid, I wouldn't have done any of that." "

::: blink ::: ::: blink :::

IF they had let you see your kid. Do you really think that the kind of father who goes around telling public lies (likely for profit) about his child's grandmother, the mother of the mother of his child (whew! That's a mouthful!) is the kind of person that they would want to see their child? I can't say that it is! But take note media outlets! Please take note!! He didn't say any of it because it was TRUE. He said it because he was RETALLIATING! He LIED. And YOU folks who paid him for his lies and gave him camera time for his lies only ENCOURAGED his lying! He's a LIAR. Please stop putting him on your TV shows.

Seriously though, if I haven't convinced you of what a complete and utter a-hole Levi Johnston is by now, allow me to just ice this s*** cake and put a cherry on top. Here we go. Again (and still) from the article in The Guardian (linked above) "Asked whether he worried that his outspoken remarks about Tripp's grandmother might be harmful to the child, he replied: "I don't know. I hope not, but what else are you going to do?" Um, what now?

What else are you going to do? What in the hell do you mean "what else are you going to do"? You're the one doing it! You're the one making potentially harmful remarks! You're the one out there lying in retalliation for something! I'll tell you "what else are you going to do". You're going to shut the F up is what you're going to do!

"What else are you going to do?" So, basically, you need a weapon and you've chosen the child and if it messes up the kid later on in life, so be it, you needed a weapon. He does realize that when he goes to court, Sarah Palin won't be there, right? He does realize that when he goes to court, it's likely that Bristol won't be there either, right? If I were him, I'd hope to God that when he goes to court that Todd isn't there. Todd seems like the type of guy who really might take the sort of advice given by Pat Buchanan on MSNBC's Morning Joe back in July when he told Mika Brzezinski "Well, first, with regard to Levi, I think First Dude up there in Alaska, Todd Palin, ought to take Levi down to the creek and hold his head underwater until the thrashing stops.“ Well said, Pat. Well. Said.

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Nuts & Nudity - Together at Last!

That's it, people! We have officially, OFFICIALLY come off the rails! It's over! Nothing more to see here! Move it along! That's right. Back you go! Back. BACK! Sweet mother of God, what have we done. What hath we wrought? I'll tell you what we've wrought. We've wrought the worst kind of wroughting you could ever think to wrought. That's right. We've wrought the worst wrought we've ever wrought before. You might have thought we've wrought, but you were wrong. Three words will show just how much wrong we've wrought.


Levi. (That's one.)

Johnston. (That's two.)

Naked. (Threeeeeeeeeeeee!!)

See? This is what happens when we (and by "we" I mean a society that gulps up every morsel of celebrity chum that is thrown into our shark infested waters with a thirst for knowledge about everything and everyone) act like we're interested out of sheer interest in an individual that we are merely interested in because we're making fun of them. While in theory, a perfectly harmless scenario, but in reality, most of those that we mock are not exactly the sharpest tools in the shed. (Translation: Too dumb to know we're dissin' 'em.)

That's what's happening with ol' Levi "Used To Be The Future Son-In-Law Of a Failed Vice Presidential Candidate" Johnston. He came on the scene as the guy who knocked up Bristol Palin and was going to marry her. Then the whole "might end up in the White House" scenario flew the coop and that whole "going to marry her thing" flew right behind it, closely followed by that whole "going to finish high school thing" as well. And for some reason, there was still some sort of odd interest in him. Maybe it's that he rather oddly has a sort of 80s look going on about him.

I think that the interest in Levi Johnston was slightly, just slightly perpetuated by the man-boy himself. I mean, if you continuously knock someone as hot as Sarah Palin, eventually people are going to listen to a little bit of what you say. Or, at the very least, be interested in what's going to come out of your blowhole next. And not necessarily interested out of interest, more so interested out of sheer amazement that someone could be so damned clueless. (For the record and in case you were previously unaware, it's not OK to bash the grandmother of your child in public. It's just not. Unless she's in prison having been convicted of murder, don't drag your family crap around for the whole world to see. It doesn't do a whole lot for smooth family relations, if that's what you were hoping for, either.)

But now this whole fake interest-interest thing has been taken to a whole new level. Levi Johnston is posing for Playgirl. Good Lord, is that necessary? I'm guessing it is, if you're him. Seriously. Let's think about this. I know that there was talk of him having a book deal, but I think that there are enough picture books on the market as it is. Talk shows aren't going to continue to pay him to spit out little tidbits about Sarah Palin that may or may not be true. He has nothing of substance to say. To describe him as slightly vacuous is an understatement. Translation: The gravy train has ground to a screeching halt.

Now, I'm not going to pretend to know what Playgirl offers one to pose nude. I realize some folks think that they're good enough, that they're hot enough that they'd do it for free. Those people are the kind of people that, if naked, would drive magazines out of business if they actually took them up on their free-nude-photos offer. The kind of people that some people (no names) would want to see naked need to be bribed paid and paid rather handsomely. The usual, however, I don't think is more than a million. I say that because it's always a big deal when someone is offered a million bucks to pose nude. If that was typical, it wouldn't generate as much tongue wagging. (Tongue wagging - another high paying position.)

But speaking of how Levi Johnston is trying to make a little money off of some nuts, he's also in a new advertisement for pistachios. I can't say I'm a fan of the ad. I'm all for the whole tongue-in-cheek thing (more so when it's either my tongue or my cheek), but when it involves your family or or your child, I just don't think you should go there. You can decide. Here's Levi Johnston advocating for nuts. And for Wonderful Pistachios.

Yeah, see? Too much. Aside from it making fun/light of the fact that he knocked up his girlfriend when they were both 17, it's a ridiculous premise. There's Levi being flanked on one side by a behemoth of a man while 3 or 4 people off screen say in semi-loud voices while 2 or 3 flashbulbs go off, "Levi! Levi!" It's as if the most unenthusiastic person in the world's dog has just run off and they're trying to get it to come back. "Levi! Levi!" And while that alone could be the punchline, the real punchline is when the announcer voice says, "Levi Johnston now does it with protection." Meaning the bouncer. Implying a condom. Selling pistachios. Hey, whatever works. (Man, I love pistachios. And I'll continue to love pistachios in spite of the fact that Levi Johnston is hawking them. They're good. He is not.)

Once Levi Johnston is naked and in Playgirl, then, then can we please make him go away? Please? What if we buy the nuts? How about the pistachios?

(Side note: Don't get me wrong, I'll be checking out that issue of Playgirl. I'm sure as hell not buying it, but I'm definitely going to see what all the fuss is about. And don't worry. It's not like I'm not going to be sharing with y'all. Oooohhhh, you can expect QUITE the post when THAT issue hits the newsstands. You know it.)

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Your 15 Minutes Are Up, Levi

Why won't Levi Johnston go away?

Why am I still hearing not only about this jackass, but more annoying, hearing FROM him? He's an 19-year old high school dropout who knocked up his girlfriend and wouldn't "grow up" to face his responsibilities as a parent and as a person. He's now working construction somewhere in Alaska (which is not far enough away, if you're asking me). Sounds like just the kind of person that I want to get my information from. Sounds credible, intelligent, honest, sincere. Sure, Levi Johnston sounds like all of those things. (He also sounds like he might have been smoking some of the stuff his mom was arrested for selling also.)

Seriously, is there ANY reason why I should EVER have to read a sentence that begins like the following(this particular one cited from The Sleuth by a one Mary Ann Akers at The Washington Post): "Johnston, the 19-year-old father of Palin's grandson and ex-fiance of the governor's daughter Bristol, said at a news conference Thursday...."

"At a news conference"?? WHY in the name of ALL that is SANE would LEVI JOHNSTON be able to hold a news conference and have people (presumably reporters) SHOW UP to LISTEN TO HIM?? WHY?!?! There is not ONE rational explanation for it. Not one!

The purpose of Einstein's soap box moment was to give his "insight" as to why Sarah Palin is stepping down as Governor of Alaska. The press coverage on this seems to indicate that she has been rather vague about the exact reasons for doing so. Sure, it's a strange move, but I don't know that her reasons can't be surmised from what she has said about doing so. Remember, when you're a politician, anything you say can and will be used against you in the press. She learned that the hard way. (There's a reason why she likes Alaska. My guess would be it's far away from the rest of the country. In the United States, but not of it. That's how I look at it.)

Here's the "inside scoop" from the oh-so insightful Levi Johnston: "She had talked about how nice it would be to take some of this money people had been offering us and you know just run with it, say 'forget everything else.' " Um, wait. What now?

Are you kidding me? He says that she said something to that effect (we can't really believe that what he said was directly quoting what she said verbatim) and.....what? OH, right! The false implications! The conclusions that Levi Johnston came to! That's right! He concluded that "....he personally had heard Palin discuss the possibility of leaving her state behind to go capitalize off her quick rise to fame." OK, he's done. Someone get him off of that box and ship him back to the wilderness.

He claims that she said that this past winter, sometime between December and January, which would make it after the election. At that point, she's getting plenty of offers (I'm assuming) and at the same time, she's being hounded by the press and by various political outlets and trying to run a state and deal with all of that. (And among the myriad of "issues" that she was dealing with, she was still hearing about the damn wardrobe that the GOP had purchased for her during the campaign. My God, can you people not let anything GO?!) Yes, I TOO would think AND say "Man, I wish I could just have all of the money that I'm being offered without having to deal with all of these idiots around me." HOW is that NOT a reasonable thing to say??

Levi Johnston needs to pipe down. We will, unfortunately, be hearing more from him in the future because he has (wait for it) a BOOK DEAL. He's going to write a freaking book. One with words, NOT pictures! Who's the co-author? Joe the Plumber? I have them at about the same level as far as the book writing skills would go. The boy hasn't even graduated from high school. What say he READ a few books before he goes out and starts writing them, OK?

Are you wondering what the book will be about or are you just wondering how soon it will come out because the sooner it does then the sooner we can stop hearing from this guy (hopefully) once and for all? In another example of how the media will run with anything that anyone says about whatever, we have the New York Post quoting Levi Johnston's bodyguard/publicist (When did those two occupations become something that you could combine?), a one Tank (That's the combination bodyguard-slash-publicist's name. Tank. Perfect.) as having said that the book will be about the "...Wasilla, Alaska political family." Yeah, because the guy who got some girl pregnant is the perfect person to write an entire book about the girl's family. The ins. The outs. (Oh, wait. Never mind. That would be his book on how he got her pregnant. My mistake.) And if that's not enough for you, don't worry because according to Tank, "There are still many untold stories about the Palins." Yes, I'm sure there are many untold stories...that no one wants to hear about! Make it stop...

By the way, I have the feeling that people like Levi Johnston and Joe the Plumber who get these 'book deals' do about as much actual "writing" of the book as I'm going to do "reading" of the book. That is to say "very little". It would seem that all of the book writing, the press conferences, the talking, my GOD, the talking! All of that seems to be Levi's way of doing exactly what he claims Sarah Palin is doing: capitalizing off his quick rise to "fame". The thing that he doesn't quite seem to understand is that the reason that he was ever in the news in the first place was because his girlfriend's mother was the Vice Presidential candidate for the Republican party. That's it. Without that, he's really got nothing. Even with that, he's really got nothing. And we didn't care about him when Sarah Palin was John McCain's running mate and we don't care about him now. So stop going to his "news conferences"!

Go write that book, Levi. Get a nice price for it. The mother of your child is going to need some of that money to raise your son without you.

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Tomato, Tomahto

You know, you can give anything, anything at all, any name you want to give it, that doesn't necessarily change much. Just because I say the sky is green doesn't mean the sky is really green. (All that means is that I've been sniffing glue.) Or if I call a banana a 'crook neck fruit', that doesn't mean it's going to catch on, nor does it mean that other people are going to believe me and start calling it the Chiquita crook neck fruit. That would be silly. But there's a fine line (apparently) between just making stuff up/calling stuff what you want to call it and using the old standby of a "technicality" to justify your making stuff up/calling stuff whatever you want. The "technicality" does little to reinforce your point or solidify your basis. (It works a lot better if you don't have to admit or mention that you are making the point that you're making based upon a "technicality". Yeah, people punch other people for that.)

That being said, I go now to a story that was run by the AP regarding Sarah Palin's interpretation of what does or does not constitute a high school "dropout". Specifically, Caribou Barbie's interpretation of whether her daughter or her allegedly future son-in-law are high school "dropouts". I'm sure you'll be shocked, just shocked, when I tell you that Sarah Palin says that both of them are not, repeat not, not high school "dropouts".

Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston are who Governor Palin has jumped in to defend by issuing a strongly worded statement and by speaking with the Associated Press on Wednesday. Now you may recall that Bristol just gave birth to her and Levi's son, a one small child named Tripp, less than a week ago. Now, when you've just barely turned eighteen and haven't finished high school yet, trying to work in having a baby in the midst of all of that can be pretty tricky. Not to mention having your mom run for Vice President of the United States at the same time as well. Yep, that's one hectic schedule right there.

Now, if you're me, you're thinking that seventeen/eighteen and still in high school is probably not the best time in one's life to go around procreating. Of course, if seems like the perfect time to be having all of the sex! That's what high school is for. Learning things that you'll need to get you into college and meeting other people to have sex with. That's high school. But if you're going to try and have a child with all of that, it just isn't going to work out very well. That's why folks in this situation usually stop going to school. And another word for "to stop going to school" is "to dropout". Can you say "to dropout"? Good. How 'bout you, Governor Palin? Oooh! Not so good there.

In October, the AP reported "...that Johnston dropped out of high school to work on the North Slope oil fields" and so Sarah Palin wanted to correct that information. by speaking with the AP on Wednesday and telling them that "18-year-old Levi Johnston is enrolled in high school through a correspondence program." She's just now getting around to correcting that? They reported it in October! I know, I know, she was busy running around after Old Man Grandpa John McCain for a few months there, but doesn't she have a staff? Sure she does. OK, then. So what's the reason for saying something NOW? (Actually, what's the reason for the lad not coming forward or contacting the AP and saying something? It's one of three things. He either a) doesn't know that it's being said, b) he doesn't care that it's being said, or c) it's true. Your choice. I'm going with "c".)

I'm guessing the reason for "correcting" the "mis-information" now is because it's also being reported that her daughter, the one giving all the birth the other day, had also dropped out of high school. It's one thing to have your alleged future son-in-law drop out of high school, but when you're the hottest governor of the coldest state and they start saying the same thing about your own daughter? Well, that calls for some stern words of correction to be issued immediately. And if not immediately, then right after about a million bloggers have posted about it.

"The governor said her daughter is enrolled in regular high school and has taken correspondence courses." See, that sounds an awful lot like her statement about Levi. And both of those statements seem to go on the "technicality" argument. You might notice that her statement doesn't say that either one of them are currently or actively participating in said correspondence courses/programs. She said that her daughter "has taken correspondence courses." Well, I have taken a driving test before, that doesn't mean I'm currently taking Driver's Ed. And you can be enrolled in a gym, that sure as hell doesn't mean you're going. That just means you have a little laminated card with your picture on it that, contrary to the beliefs of some, will not let you check out library books, nor operate a motor vehicle. (Go figure.) All it will do is let you go work out at the gym that you're enrolled in...IF you go there to do so. If you don't, well, the gym ain't coming to you!

See, when you go to high school, the usual expectation or popular school of thought is that one will attend said high school until they graduate. If one stops going to high school before one graduate and one has no intention of returning, it is said that one has "dropped out". If one is still enrolled in high school and stops going and doesn't appear to have any intention of returning (but has taken correspondence courses because one's mother is the governor), it can be said that one has "dropped out" in that situation as well.

How is this any different than someone who stops going to high school, say, fifteen years ago and then one day decides to enroll in some correspondence program to get their diploma? Just because they are enrolled in that correspondence program, does that mean that they are no longer a "high school dropout"? Not necessarily. In fact, it seems to me that if you voluntarily stopped going to high school for no other reason than "just because", until you actually get that diploma, you're a dropout.

The AP said that a "phone message left at the home of Johnston's mother wasn't immediately returned Wednesday." That would be the mother that just got busted for dealing OxyContin a couple of weeks ago? Maybe they should have tried texting her. I hear she's a fan. (By the way, does she have her high school diploma? Or has she taken correspondence courses in the past also?)

Call it what you want, the bottom line is both Bristol and Levi are far from being in an optimal situation at this point. Whether they're actively working to finish whatever they need to in order to receive a high school diploma, I have no idea. All I know is that right now, neither one of them has one. And it's kind of important. I'm not saying that everyone is college material, nor am I saying that everyone should be expected to go to college. But I am saying that earning a high school diploma is not too high of a standard to set, nor an expectation to be met. It's necessary. (And I don't want to hear about the one in a million case where someone didn't have a high school diploma and made a gazillion dollars. I don't care. It doesn't happen often enough to justify using it as why it's OK to not graduate from high school. Lots of things "might" happen, but most of them make horrible rationale for why someone does something. Monkeys "might" fly out of my butt, but that doesn't mean I'm going to join the circus. Or go on Maury Povich. Is he still on? Never mind. You know what I mean.)

Nice try, Caribou Barbie. I think you're hot and all, but that was a pretty weak attempt at trying to save a little face there. If you had asked me, I would have suggested that you just suck it up and not say anything. Now that you've drawn attention to it, people will be looking their way when June rolls around and they should be graduating. If they aren't ready to graduate then, expect this to rise to the top of pointless fodder once again. The media is really good at re-hashing old fodder. They're fodder hashers. And they do it well.

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