Thursday, October 22, 2009

The News Day Doesn't Get Any Slower Than This

Yesterday, October 21, 2009 might just qualify as the Slowest News Day Ever. Actually, I KNOW it qualifies, but I'd have to check other stories appearing on other dates to determine how tough the competition is. I can't imagine there are many days that would stand up to October 21, 2009 in terms of slowness.

My scale for measuring such news laden activity? It's a fairly simple formula in which I take the number of times that the actor who played the half-witted foreigner on Perfect Strangers gives an interview which is then published and treated like real news with discussions galore ensuing from coast to coast. If the number of times a Bronson Pinchot interview (in which he gives his opinions of stars that he has worked if we give a crap what Bronson Pinchot thinks about that or anything else) appears in my news feed is one, then it's a slow news day. If it's two, the world will be ending shortly. (And really, if there were two Bronson Pinchot interviews in the same day, the end of the world could not come soon enough for me.)

Pinchot, as you may or may not have cared enough to use valuable gray matter in your head to store this information, played the half-witted Balki on the insufferable sitcom Perfect Strangers which ran on ABC from...great Scott! From 1986 to 1993?!!? Can that be correct? Wikipedia says that it is, so what more do you want? (Well, at this juncture, what I really want to go back in time and change that big, fat waste of American's time, if you're really asking.) Just so you have some idea as to what Pinchot has been up to since his claim to fame ended, I again turn to Wikipedia where I learn that in 2002, he became a Freemason and that he is "...the voice of Max, the fully restored Black 1964 VW Beetle in the Volkswagen "Das Auto" campaign." Sure, there have been other things, but those are the highlights and about the sum of the parts, actually, Consider yourself up to date.

There is no earthly reason for us to be hearing anything at all from this guy. None. He's not starring in a movie. There isn't a Perfect Strangers reunion happening anytime soon (thank God). He's not even voicing some colorful and whimsical cartoon character on the big screen. Nothing. Not. A. Thing. Just nothing to fill that voice in space because it's such a slow news day. Damn the slow news! Damn all the slow news! But we're hearing from him and here are his words of wisdom that were just so prfound that someone felt the need to not only listen to them and write them down, but to share them with the masses whoa re all connected together by the Interewebs. All of this courtesy of a one Nathan Rabin over there at AV Club First topic, Tom Cruise. Tom Cruise?

Yes, Tom Cruise. See, back when Risky Business first hit the theaters in 1983, Mr. Pinchot co-starred with the man who is now the world's most famous Scientologist (translation: wackiest), playing his buddy with whom he got stoned whilst playing poker, Barry. According to Mr. Pinchot, Mr. Cruise was (and I'm paraphrasing here) a dick. He claims that Mr. Katie Holmes "made constant, constant unrelated homophobic comments, like, "You want some ice cream in case there are no gay people there?" It was like, "It's a nice day, I'm glad there are no gay people standing here." Very, very strange." Hmmm. That IS strange. Not as strange as reading an interview with Bronson Pinchot in 2009, but strange none the less.

Then he spoke of a one Denzel Washington based upon his experiences with him while shooting the film "Courage Under Fire". He described the aforementioned Mr. Washington as "...really abusive to me and everybody on that movie, and his official explanation was that his character didn't like me, but it was a dreadful experience. I spent my salary on time with my shrink just for helping me get through it...He was so vile." I find it interesting that it's almost as if he accepts his "official explanation" for being "abusive" (which he does not seem to elaborate on. I'm not saying the guy is lying, but I'm saying if you're going to throw out there that someone has been 'abusive' to you, you're going to need to provide a detail or to, is all I'm saying.).

Want to know what Bronson Pinchot thinks about Bette Midler?! Of course you do! You've just been sitting there wondering when in the hell I'm going to get to Balki's impression of Bette! Well, do I have a treat for you! I'm going to give you the scoop on what he observed during the filming of "First Wives Club" and how Bette allegedly treated Hugh Wilson. (He was the director. You know, in case you'd forgotten that because the movie came out over 13 years ago in 1996!) He alleges that she "was such a bitch to him" because she "...would be rolling her eyes" and "pantomiming with her favorite actors." Huh. Yeah. Um, sounds...bitchy? Was it? Bitchy. OK. Whatever.

Now, I'm sure you're wondering who in the hell Bronson Pinchot actually likes in Hollywood. Either that or you're still wondering who in the hell Bronson Pinchot is. But if you're wondering if there's anyone that he likes, there is. Tom Hanks. He's never worked with Tom Hanks, but he likes him. He's worked with Tom's wife, but he likes Tom. He claims that Tom, whom he's never worked with, but whose wife he has worked with, has "...always been a delightful person, so it's not really true that big stars need to be driven and repulsive, because he's anything but."

Is that a big complaint about Hollywood stars these days? All of the driven-ness and all of the repulsivity? I mean, I like to think that I'm fairly in tune with the inner workings of pop-culture (based on everything I read and watch on TV, of course), but I guess I'm just unfamiliar with those terms as being hot button issues or whatever they are. Maybe there's some sort of a series that could come from that. ("Next week! On Driven and Repulsed by Celebrities! Hosted by Bronson Pinchot! Co-hosted by Tom Hanks' wife! Special Guest Star Tom Cruise! And Bette Midler! Filmed by Hugh Wilson!")

Tell me now that October 21, 2009 was not the slowest news day ever. I don't think you can. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm so freaking bored with this story, I need a nap.

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