Saturday, October 31, 2009

Halloween Crackpots


Ah, yes. Leave it to the wingnut crackpots in the tele-evangelical scam profession to use Halloween to make up a bunch of crap and spread it around claiming it's the word of Jesus. Granted, I don't know with 100% certainty that the particular crap I'm about to mock here is not the word of God and/or Jesus, but I'm 99.99% sure that it's not. (I'm saving that .01% just to ensure that I won't go to hell for this. Hedge your bets. That's what I always say.)

A one Kimberly Daniels wrote a Halloween column as a Guest Writer for CBN. CBN stand for the Christian Broadcasting Network. It's one of your typical mass evangelical organizations which take from the poor in order to make themselves rich and do so under the guise of it being for God or Jesus (both of whom I highly doubt authorized any of it). If you haven't already thought of it by now, think Jim and Tammy Faye Taker. I mean Faker. I mean Bakker! Jim and Tammy Faye Bakker. Sheesh. Talk about subliminal typing. Her post was entitled "The Danger of Celebrating Halloween". Now I should have guessed that it wouldn't be about some real danger like creepy people who always look like they're wearing a costume or unwrapped candy that had metal shards poking out of it. No, her column was about fake danger. That is to say, not danger at all.


I will give her this: It was one of the most unintentionally hilarious articles I have read in quite some time! She starts off by explaining the etymology of the word "Halloween" and concluding that it's the day of service for Lucifer. I don't know about you, but I don't share my candy with anyone and that includes this Lucifer fellow (who kinda looks like Wolverine in that photo there). But wait! There's more!

What about things like "Decorating buildings with Halloween scenes, dressing up for parties, going door-to-door for candy, standing around bonfires and highlighting pumpkin patches"? Do you ever participate in any of those activities around or on Halloween? If so, you should know that they "...are all acts rooted in entertaining familiar spirits. All these activities are demonic and have occult roots." Ah, yes. Decorating buildings. A sure sign of Satan at work. What the hell, woman?! Pumpkin patches?! Demonic?? Tell me something, are these demonic pumpkin patches ONLY demonic AT Halloween time? Or are they demonic all year 'round? I don't see how they could only be seasonally demonic, so they must be demonic all year 'round. Thus, she is clearly calling to an end of all pumpkin harvesting, growing and any other pumpkin related activity which takes place in a patch. (I can only assume that the poor woman who wrote this has had her mind riddled with syphilis. It's the only way to explain such completely baseless thoughts and assertions.)

She insists that we know "the truth". And what is that? Well, "The truth is that these demons that have been presented as scary cartoons actually exist. I have prayed for witches who are addicted to drinking blood and howling at the moon." I, too, have prayed for those howling at the moon. I have prayed for them to shut the hell up, as I am usually trying to sleep during said howling. Can't they howl during the day when most folks are awake? It would really be less disruptive if they could. And where does one meet these "witches who are addicted to drinking blood"? Is there some sort of group or meeting for that? If so, why in the hell is she going there?

She also gives us a list of the "secret" activities that go on during Halloween. I was guessing that they would sort of be like the "secret" menu at In and Out Burger. You know, the kind of "secret" that everyone knows, but that just isn't publicly displayed? Nope. This stuff that she came up with really is a secret because I can't imagine that any of these things actually happen (which is probably why no one knows about them). Let's run the list, shall we? Ahem...behold!

The word "occult" means "secret." The danger of Halloween is not in the scary things we see but in the secret, wicked, cruel activities that go on behind the scenes. These activities include:


Sex with demons
Orgies between animals and humans
Animal and human sacrifices
Sacrificing babies to shed innocent blood
Rape and molestation of adults, children and babies
Revel nights
Conjuring of demons and casting of spells
Release of "time-released" curses against the innocent and the ignorant.


Um, well. I don't rightly know what to say. Sex with demons? Come on! I've had sex with some very questionable individuals in my time, but I'd hardly go as far as to say that they were demons! Animal & human orgies? You folks need help! I don't know if you need God or Jesus, but some help you could definitely use. Casting of spells? I suppose if you believe in that sort of thing that it would be concerning. However, if you're not so much into the casting of spells, who gives a crap. Cast away! Can I polish your cauldron for you? Weirdos. Ooh-Ooh!! But those "time released" curses against the ignorant? Could you tell me how to do those? I'm really interested in that aspect of these demonics. In fact, that would come in quite handy for me in my day to day life, really.

But here is my absolute favorite claim that she makes. "During this period demons are assigned against those who participate in the rituals and festivities. These demons are automatically drawn to the fetishes that open doors for them to come into the lives of human beings. For example, most of the candy sold during this season has been dedicated and prayed over by witches."

Um, I don't think it has. Sorry. I just don't. Dedicated and prayed over by witches...how? Like, are these witches employed by the candy companies? Hershey's? M&M-Mars? The folks who make the glorious, glorious Reese's? Are you telling me that they employ witches to "dedicate and pray" over their batches of candy? Are they year 'round employees or just seasonal? (Is there a benefit package? What are their hours? Are uniforms involved? Do they have name tags?) And how exactly does said dedication and pray-ation occur? I'm picturing the witches being hung in some sort of harness and just swung all over the production lines like some sort of wayward pendulum. Maybe they have a wand, perhaps a scepter, but there is definite cackling involved! Eye of newt, tongue of frog, that sort of chanting probably accompanies all of the scepter waving. It really sounds like quite a distraction for the other employees who do not get to swing from suspended cables. I would be distracted.

Halloween is Halloween. I plan on handing out demonic, prayed over candy and I might just stand by a bonfire or two just to really give the devil a good ol' temptin'! Place all of the curses and spells you want upon me, but I don't want to know a damn thing about anyone's sex with demons. Don't ask, don't tell. That's my Halloween motto from here on out.

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1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Watch ur mouth! Be careful how you speak about God's anointed and appointed. Especially Kim Daniels!