Sunday, October 25, 2009

Wanted: Reality Check for College Sophomore


In between thuds when I am banging my head against a wall, I often point out how self-absorbed and self-important those in society have become. People (mostly those between the ages of high school freshman through college years and at least up to the ages between 28-30. This, of course, excludes anyone in my family and anyone I know who falls within those guidelines or who is related to someone who falls within those guidelines. It might be true, but I really try not to alienate people that I have to see at holidays (where I stand a good chance to receive either a meal or a gift) or on a daily basis.) think very highly of themselves. Too high. Not that it matters, but I attribute the unrealistic and overly optimistic sense of self that these folks have largely toward social networking. All of these people and all of their "friends" just seem to think that they have that many "friends" because they're so great when, in reality, they haven't said two words to at least 95% of them and are just padding their "friends" number with them. Unrealistic users, that's what they are.

And the unrealistic concept seems to have seeped its way deep, deep within the inner soul of a one Georgetown undergrad student, who has posted on the Student Employment Office website in search of....well...it's hard to say what you'd call what he's looking for. I have a couple of choice words for what I'd call him, though.

I'll be quoting from the story which ran over there at Vox Populi (Georgetown's Blog of Record Since 1969) and which was wrote by a one Juliana Brint, of whom I have become an instant fan! After all, how can you not be a fan of one whose post is titled "Georgetown sophomore seeks personal assistant, takes premature self-importance to whole new level"? I think it's a rule that you've gotta love that! If it isn't a rule, by God, it should be!


It would seem that "...one Georgetown sophomore is already so busy he feels the need to hire his own personal assistant." Now, look...I'm just going to start with the whole hiring of a personal assistant, aka, a gopher. (Or is it gofer? I think I'm going to go with gofer. Or would that be that I'm going to gofer gofer? Whatever. Gofer it is.) What are you when you're a sophomore in college? 20? What in the hell could a 20 year old possibly have on his schedule that would be so time consuming that he would need to bring in help from the outside? Let's take a looksie, shall we?

Juliana is kind enough to provide us with the actual ad. This pompous ass begins the job description as so: "I am a Georgetown undergrad student and part time employee in the financial services industry. I am looking for someone to take care some of my everyday tasks for 1 hr a day, 5 hrs/ week, $12/hr. I live on campus which would make things very easy convenient for a Georgetown student. The normal pay per week will be $60 ($300/month), even though on occasion it will be possible to work additional hours and/or receive bonuses at my discretion." Um, wait. What?

ONE hour a day? You're so freaking busy that you just cannot for the life of you figure out how to squeeze in that all important hour of tedious tasks that must be done? When you're twenty?? What could those tasks consist of? Look, when I was 20 I was going to school full time and working full time and really, the only task that I would have considered paying to have someone do for me is to change the bong water once in a while. Other than that, I'm not coming up with much that I couldn't handle on my own. (And by the way, I'm guessing that "part time employee in the financial services industry" means "mail clerk at the B of A".)

I'm also just loving how it "will be possible" to work more at his discretion!! He also seems to be a bit lacking in the knowledge of exactly how long the typical month is, as he's talking $60 per week, but $300 per month. That's five weeks a month by his calculating. Oh, but don't worry. He's employed by the financial services industry. I'm sure he's just using the same kind of math that they used when they threw together that TARP package or the bank bailouts or the stimulus package or one of those programs that has either done nothing, has horribly failed, or cannot possibly be assessed because there's no way to account for any of the funds. Yeah, don't worry about that.

Mr. Booked Solid continues with "The schedule is completely flexible because I do not need to be around when you do the work. You can even spread it out over the course of the day. As my PA you will receive an email once a day by 9:00 am with a task list for that day and a time estimate for each task. Important tasks will be bolded on the list and must be done that day (even though everything on the list should theoretically be finished on a daily basis). At the end of the day you will send me an email telling me what tasks are incomplete or that all tasks have been completed." Wow. This guy sounds like a peach to work for. (Translation of peach = ass.)

He appears to want to hire someone of a sub-par intelligence level who has questionable math skills and an inordinate amount of free time. This is evidenced by his explaining "Tasks such as doing laundry that involve a lot of waiting around (time when you could be doing other tasks or doing your own stuff) will be counted for the approximate amount of time it would take to do the labor involved. For instance, laundry will be counted for half an hour even though a laundry cycle takes 1.5 hrs to complete." Um, no. Wait a minute. This guy wants someone to do his laundry?! What else does he want someone to do for him??

Glad you asked!

  • Organize closet
  • Make bed
  • Drop off / pick up dry cleaning
  • Drop me off / pick me up from work
  • Do laundry
  • Fill up gas tank
  • Bring car for servicing
  • Schedule appointment for haircut
  • Pay parking tickets
  • Manage electronic accounts
  • Shopping and running errands
  • Other random tasks.
I see. He wants to hire his mother.

Seriously? Dude, if you cannot find enough time to make your bed, it's a wonder you can find your way to class every day. And drive you to and pick you up from work?? You have got to be kidding! Now he wants to hire his Mom and Morgan Freeman from Driving Miss Daisy! Seriously, man, you're twenty! Why do you need to schedule an appointment for a haircut? Since when did Supercuts start requiring appointments? Shopping for what, exactly? Glass cleaner for all of the mirrors you likely have in your dorm room? Pay parking tickets? Who is going to be getting these tickets, since your ass is presumedly being carted around by Jeeves, the mentally handicapped servant you hope to employ?!

And did he really claim to be employed by "the financial services industry" but yet also say that he wants his personal assistant/slave to "manage electronic accounts"? He must not get a lot of wind about what's going on from his stool in the mailroom.

You know what? I take back what I said earlier. Even if you are a member of my family or someone that I know or related to someone I know and you're pulling this sort of S, you most certainly are one of those self-important pinheads which everyone loathes. I can only hope and pray that when your rude awakening arrives one day that I'm around to sign for it.

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