Saturday, October 10, 2009

Ten Whole Days of Peace


It was bound to come to this. First, Levi Johnston agrees to pose nude for Playgirl after doing commercials touting the pistachio nut and the next thing you know, President Barry has won the Nobel Peace Prize and subsequently, CVS Pharmacy has pulled all Obama Chia Pets from their inventory because their racist. I realize that's a lot to digest right off the bat, but it's all true and it's all out there, so let's try and break it down before we, ourselves, break down, shall we? And a one, and a two....

Yes, yes, it's true. Somehow President Barry won the Nobel Peace Prize. I cannot for the life of me figure out how that came to be, but it scares the holy bejeezus out of me, I'll tell you that much. Listen, he was inaugurated when? January 20th? The deadline for Nobel Prize nominations is February 1st. Folks, that's ten days. It took the man longer than that to figure out what kind of a dog to get, for cryin' out loud! The only good part about this that I can see is that I now find myself to be not so much of a distant contender for next year's Peace Prize. After all, if it only takes ten days worth of "work" to be not only a serious contender but to also come out the winner? Hell, I can be pretty darned peaceful for ten days, let me tell you what! And with the $1.4 million dollar prize that comes along with it? Hey, for that chunk of change, I can be peaceful for eleven days, just you wait and see!

But here's the scary part: We're lucky that President Barry is a good guy who doesn't mean us any harm. I truly believe that about him. All of the softheads who want to believe that he's from Kenya, that he's a Muslim, that he's the anti-Christ, all of those folks are cuckoo birds. The man is a good guy. I disagree with a ton of stuff that he does and how he goes about it, but that doesn't change that he's a good guy. That being said, it seems fairly clear that the Nobel Prize Committee (who should all be fired, by the way) was so damn caught up in the hooplah and all of President Barry's charisma and ability to give one heckuva public speech that they completely lost their minds. They wanted to do the feel good thing. Oh, wouldn't it be great if this man, Changey McOptimism, was SO good, as good as we want him to be, that he was Nobel Peace Prize quality material? Sure, that would be GRAND. Someday. Not TO-day!

The scary part is that he's being given accolades and credit for things he hasn't even done! If the people who voted for who should receive the Nobel Peace Prize, the ol' NPP, really believe that he achieved that honor and that status within ten days, then they should have their collective noggins examined thoroughly. (And I'm not just talking regular examination. I'm talking a group of specialists, a trip to Vienna, the whole nine yards!) Just think about how wrong this whole thing is. If we start believing that someone is a certain someone simply because we want to believe that about them, then we are most certainly doomed. It is then, when we allow that mindset to take over, that it doesn't matter if we vote or if we have a democracy or anything that assures us that this nation will continue to be the strongest and most affluent in the world. NONE of that will matter if people just start bestowing acclaim and esteem on those who don't deserve it or who haven't earned it...yet.

By not exercising any sort of impartiality or neutrality what so ever, we are just turning a blind eye to what is appropriate and what is just and right rather than what makes people feel good. Let me tell you, President Barry winning the NPP should not make you feel good. It should make you feel a little nauseous, a little bit like laughing, and a whole lot of concern. And I say this as someone who voted for the man!

But I guess if you're an NPP winner then there are certain things that are simply off limits as far as your caricature goes. That's the only reason that I can come up with for CVS Pharmacy pulling all of the President Barry Chia Pets under the guise that there were complaints that they were racist. Oh, good Lord.....what now?

Correct. Racist. Over at The Huffington Post there's a little blurb about how CVS Pharmacy is following suit with Walgreen's and pulling all of the President Obama Chia Pets from its shelves. Over at the Chicago Tribune it is explained that "Walgreens removed the terra cotta heads in April after some complained that the product was racially insensitive." But they also tell us that "A CVS spokesman wouldn't give a specific reason for pulling the product." Translation: It's racist. If that wasn't their reason (and if they didn't know how ass-pulling ridiculous it sounded) they would tell us, wouldn't they? Sure they would. People are allergic. The terra-cotta can break and the shards can fly and can impale small children right through their pancreas (a little talked about, but quite necessary internal organ). Heavy marijuana users were spreading cannabis seeds on it and turning the clay Presidential likeness into, literally, a pothead. All would have been equally silly, but at least we would have seen some ridiculous point. (Not really, though. I think I'd be saying the same thing if it were because of the pancreas impaling shards.) But because one or two people (at the most, I'm guessing, five) complained, it is absolutely racist and must be removed from public display and forbidden to be sold immediately!


You can't have alfalfa or whatever that stuff is growing on the head of a NPP winner, can you? Well, you can if you bought one of those clay President Barry heads before Friday! How is it racist? Because it grows like hair out of the top of his head? And that's supposed to simulate an afro? And that's racist? He HAD an afro at one point in his life! Oh, my God, the President's a racist! (No, he's not. But do you hear how completely idiotic that sounds?)


Look, the thing grows HAIR. It's not like they're out there touting "Buy Brother Barry's Bad Ass Head of Hair Pet." That might be a bit over the top, I concede. The Chia Pet is not racist! It's dumb! It's a dumb product that people seemingly love for reason that completely escape me. Is it that amusing to watch this thing eventually grow some alfalfa on it? I don't know that it is! I've never had a Chia-Pet (please don't send me one), but I've also never had a pet rock and I don't think it looks all that fun either, nor do I need to have one to come to that conclusion.

If the President Barry Chia Pet is racist, then in theory, all of the other Chia Pets are racist, right? Because if it were just one product that had a lot of different variations, well, then to call one of the variations "racist" would just be short sighted and softheaded. Your cranium would have to be made out of melted ice cream to be so soft that you'd think it was racist. So let's take a look at all of the other Chia Racist Pets that are out there, shall we? I think we shall.

Chia Bart and Homer Simpson! Hey! Cartoons can't grow hair! That's racist! Behold!



Chia Garfield! Hey! Cats can't grow hair! That's racist! Behold!


This is either Chia Einstein or Chia Wilford Brimley, I can't tell. But I'm fairly certain it's racist. Behold!

Chia Shaggy and Chia Scooby! What? No Chia Daphne or Chia Velma? Racist and sexist, I'm sure. Behold!



Chia Crocodile! Which seems to just be Chia Frog with an elongated snout. Whatever it is, they're both racist! Behold!


See? Not a racist one in the bunch. It's all just in fun. Just because President Barry is a guy who can grow an afro doesn't mean that the Chia Obama is racist. It's not even hair! It's like some weird alfalfa thing. (Seriously, what is that stuff? Sprouts? But sprouts of what?) I guess I just don't see how people can have such a utopian view of the world to the point where they award President Barry the Nobel Peace Prize after all of his peaceful achievements during those first ten days in office and yet have such a backwards view of the world to the point that pharmacy chain stores are yanking Chia Pets off of the shelf because someone thinks that they're racist. (They're not.)

We are seriously doomed.


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